Tag Archives: pine tar

Jair’s Poor Judgment: Nats Earn Bravos By Beating Them

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Using pine tar for deodorant is something Ryan has done for years. (AP Photo/Cliff Owen)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Braves 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 3 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Ryan’s efforts over the past few weeks have been paying the team back nicely for the contract they gave him this winter. Now if only he’d pay them back for lunch. Come on Ryan, show some good manners. It’s not like they have 100 million dollars to use to cover the tab every day.

Shame of the Game:

Jair Jurrjens: Loss, 2.1 IP, 9 H, 6 ER. With 9 hits in such a short time, Jair Jurrjens is looking to be a part of ‘N Sync a little too late.

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Everything is okay again. For a while there it wasn’t. Nothing was okay. The world was shattering to pieces around the Nats, and all they could do was pick the shards out of their hair like lice (Tom Gorzelanny was especially good at that, since he has actual lice). The magical year was over, it seemed. It had been a fun time, being in first place so late in July. But a fun time was all it was going to be. The Braves were always going to catch the Nats eventually; it had been foolish to hope otherwise.

But lo! Have faith, ye faithless, for I present to you…(bum babum bum bum bum babum) Continue reading

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You Mad(don) Bro? Joe Forced to Respect His Elder as Davey Takes Series, Bengay

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Joe Maddon insensitively and ignorantly calling out Edwin Jackson and the Nationals for covering their entire bodies in pine tar. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Rays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: .1 IP, 1 K. Out of context, this line is probably one of the least impressive for our dames of the game. But in context, this was a key bases loaded strikeout to preserve a small lead in the 7th inning. I feel bad for Mattheus. For far too long he has been plagued by people not looking at him in the proper context. Some call Mattheus a somewhat odd looking man. But when comparing to some (one) of his teammates, he’s like a flower. A tall, oddly shaped flower. Perhaps a sunflower, with some sort of harmless yet obvious genetic mutation in the gene pool.

Shame of the Game:

Joel Peralta: Loss, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 BB. It seems as if Peralta’s career has begun to pine away and deteriorate. Pitching in his second straight game since being called out for using pine tar, Peralta searched for alternatives, but to no avail. He looked to other forms of tar to help him pitch at the same level, since tar was all he knew. Joel flew in members of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team to cheer for him and build up his confidence, but they didn’t work. He insulted a feudal lord to get covered in tar and feathers, but was told it wasn’t Rays ’79 Throwback Night yet (I meant 1379, of course). Lastly he attempted to immerse himself in a tar pit as if to try and gain powers, but ended up being preserved for millions of years in a lifeless state. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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A new rivalry was born in baseball on Tuesday. A rivalry that required much more prune juice for the main participants than any previous rivalry. Over an issue as simple as the materials on a person’s glove, the Rays and Nats developed a quick dislike for one another. And now, with the series completed, it is clear that the Nationals are the better of two teams. Other than the fact they kind of picked on such an easily ignorable and probably unimportant thing, suggesting that they are actually the more petty of the two teams. But I’m ok with being petty, because he’s a talented musician.

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Maddon/Johnson

Based on a true story.

Scene: An elderly gentleman, Dave, sits on a park bench, watching the world go by. He sports a red baseball cap and a windbreaker; his cane rests beside him. Another old man, Joe, hobbles slowly up to the bench and sits down next to Dave. He wears a dark blue cap and carries a cane of his own. The two men act as if the other is not there for several minutes.

JOE (growling): Pussy move.

DAVE: What?

JOE: That was a pussy move.

DAVE: I always knew you were a weird wuss.

JOE: Coward.

DAVE: You’re the coward, hiding behind your Tweeter. I went on the internet. I saw how many people you talked to on your Tweeter.

JOE: Most men have Tweeters.

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