Tag Archives: Pittsburgh Pirates

Nats Acquire Brian Jeroloman

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This is our man. Our Jeroloman.

The Nationals have made the first big splash of the season by trading for Brian Jeroloman. Assuming you think no water displacement makes a good splash. If you don’t, then this move doesn’t mean much.

You probably don’t.

The team traded cash to Pittsburgh in exchange for Brian, adding to the list of many occasions where a DC executive has paid someone for their services. As long as he’s willing to get down on his knees and do the dirty work back there, he’ll fit in just fine.

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Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:

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Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

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On the Road to the Playoffs, TomTom Directs Us Towards a Win

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With all eyes on the screen, Tyler realizes that nobody will notice if he takes a quick peek at Chad Tracy’s butt. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals STILL DIVISION CHAMPS (otherwise known as 4), Phillies 2.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 BB. An Adam Bomb clearly went off tonight. How else would you explain the severe physical deformities of the Phillies fans present? …Huh? Cheese whiz, you say?

Shame of the Game:

Josh Lindblom: Loss, 1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. With performances like these I would say that the Phillies got the worse end of the Shane Victorino trade. But then I remember they sent Shane Victorino far away, so they clearly won.

———-

Tom Gorzelanny is like the ugly duckling. After months of us making fun of him for how he looked, he showed up today and put together a solid start to set the Nationals on the right track for Tuesday’s game. I’m more willing to accept him now. Sadly for him, he’s not exactly like the ugly duckling, in that his looks are still subpar. Replacing Gio in a spot start is a tough task, especially when you’ve got something weird going on with your mouth like Tom does. But he shone bright. We’d recommend you not look directly at him though. Because he’s shining so bright of course… Ok, I lied, it’s cause of something else.

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Pittsburgh, It Gets Better

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Yeah.

Pittsburgh. You did a great thing Monday night. You helped us win the NL East. I know this might feel good in a way, as it negatively impacted the Braves who had hurt you so badly in 1992. But I can still sense that even with this, you’re still depressed. 20 losing seasons is tough. To never have personal success is tough. But as a thank you for how you have helped us, I want to assure you of one thing that us in the Nationals family know to be true that can hopefully get you through this time.

It gets better.

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Nationals Win the NL East

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I had no idea the Pirates would be so happy for us.

With a win tonight, the Nationals have won the NL East. No, it wasn’t a Nationals win, it was a win by the Pirates. The Pirates winning tied into a team becoming division champs? That’s rarer than Haley’s Comet.

The Nationals lost vs. the Phillies, but who cares. We’re division champs. We’re safe from the wild card, which to be honest, always did fuck me over in Uno. I’m glad we can sit back and bask in the glory of a divisional title, while Atlanta fights for their lives. Better fight for them while they still matter, cause you have nothing to live for once Chipper is gone.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

———-

The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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K-9: Strasburg Fetches Us a Win, Even with Neutering Soon to Come

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“So you’re telling me that even if I use this arm they won’t let me pitch past September 12th?” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Cardinals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Push it to the innings limit. Innings limit! Past the point of no return. You’ve reached the top, but now you’re gonna learn that this is a very bad idea. Paul Engemann wrote the song well before he knew that the Nats would be preventing more starts like this. I think he should amend those lyrics.

Shame of the Game:

Lance Lynn: Loss, 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER. Cards fans must be experiencing Lynnsanity! Sadly, this spelling of the affliction suggests severe depression as opposed to excitement.

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The Nationals are safe for 20 more years. Safe from being as pitiful as the 1993-2011 Pittsburgh Pirates. For 19 years, the Pirates ended up below .500 season after season. From 2006-2011, the Nationals played a quality of ball very successful in imitating those 19 years in Pittsburgh. Thankfully they weren’t old enough to suck that much over and over on camera. There is an age limit for going into porn after all. But as they stood about 1/3 of the way to the record before tonight, they have to start all over again. With tonight’s win, we will not finish with a losing record this season, for the first time since the first year in Washington. In fact, we might end up with a winning record for the first time ever. Unless we lose 29 straight games. Which we can all rightfully blame on Strasburg’s innings limit. So quickly Rizzo, let’s not go ahead and do that.

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This is the Pitts: Pirates Buc the Trend of Losing A Lot

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Bryce Harper finds it to be an unfortunate time for the laxatives to kick in. (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Final Score: Pirates 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Andrew McCutchen: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now I know what you’re saying. Why give the dame of the game award to a Pirate. Why give it to a non-National for the first time ever. Well… THE NATIONALS WERE AWFUL AND IF YOU TRY TO DEFEND THEIR EFFORT, YOU ARE A WRONG PERSON.

Shame of the Game: 

Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 1 BB, 6 K. 6 IP and 4 ER won’t help the Nationals get a win, Zim. Come on, do something like pitch 7 innings and allow one run. That’ll surely get a lot of wins. …wait.

There were a couple odd things about today’s game. Adam LaRoche tripled. Jesus Flores was the most prolific bat in the lineup. But the oddest thing of all was the Pirates winning. And with that win, the Pirates managed to take the season series from the Nationals 3-2. So even if the Nats make it all the way to becoming World Series champions, even if the Nats have the greatest season in the franchise’s history, Neal Huntington will be able to call Mike Rizzo late at night and laugh and laugh and laugh. And this time for a reason that wasn’t after Neal caught a glimpse of Rizzo’s underwhelming features in a bathroom at the GM meetings.

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LaRoche Hour: Adam Drives Nats Through Pittsburgh Traffic to Win

WATCH OUT ERIK BEDARD THAT SALIVA IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOU (AP Photo/Haraz N. Ghanbari)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Pirates 4

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 3-4, HR, 4 RBI, R, K. Attention Deficit Disorder? More like Out Deficit Disorder AM I RIGHT

Shame of the Game:

Evan Meek: 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Jesus Christ once said “The meek shall inherit the earth.” Jesus was wrong about a lot of things.

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In recent games, the Nationals’ offense has developed an odd habit of not sucking. They have scored at least 6 runs in 4 of their last 6 games including tonight’s bat-ruption, something which I will say without doing any historical research has never happened before. That’s probably not true, but assuming it is adds to the excitement of the Nats’ newfound plate-crossing prowess. Tonight’s Pirate-punishing was led by home runs from Adam “The Face that Launched a Thousand Hits” LaRoche, Ian “Also Committed His 7th Error” Desmond, and Xavier “Still OBPing Under .200” Nady, along with a triple from Bryce “Bam Bam No Thank You Ma’am I’m Still Underage” Harper.  Said Davey Johnson, “Yeah, it just occurred to me a few days ago that giving people candy when they made outs to make them feel better was a bad incentive structure. That program has been eliminated.” Continue reading

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Friars, Friars, Douse Nats’ Fire: Padres Split Series, Funds with Ex-Wife

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Will Venable realizes that no matter how close to the cycle he gets, nobody wants to high five his strangely stick hands. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Padres 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce Harper fans must be shitting themselves uncontrollably due to excitement or too many laxatives. With his second home run in as many days, Bryce seems on pace to break Bonds’ record in around 5-6 seasons. I think it’s safe to guarantee over 3000 HR for this young man’s career. You can quote me on that. Please however stop quoting me on when I said, “This is Cristian Guzman’s world and we’re all just living in it.” I highly regret that.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 5 K. Strasburg did not have a lucky day. The first batter of the game hit a double to center that dropped between three Nationals fielders. Then rain came out of nowhere making the ball slippery and causing him to miss spots. Then he stepped in dog (Detwiler?) poop. Then he got rejected from his safety schools. Then his Pokemon Gold file was deleted. Then his voice cracked while talking to a girl. And most unlucky of all, he was relieved by Tom Gorzelanny.

Today’s game got off to a bad start. In the first inning, Strasburg was missing his spots, his teammates were missing easy outs, and the Padres were scoring runs, three things that are very strange to see. Before the top of the first could even come to a close, rain come out of nowhere and caused an 8 minute delay. Some would say the rain was just a natural occurrence, but I know that God was weeping for Stephen. It’s hard for anyone to watch such a talented player get beat by a AAAA team. Today’s outburst of rain proves that God is a Nats fan and that…wait…if God likes the Nats, why is Danny Espinosa in the lineup? And why is Sean Burnett pitching in save situations? And why is Tom Gorzelanny? God works in mysterious ways.

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