Tag Archives: politics

THEY TOOK OUR WINS! Mexico Gets Job Done With Cheaper, Harder Working Team

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The fences are pretty low, like in Yankee Stadium. Far too many get out.

Final Score: Mexico 5, USA 2.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: U.S.-Mexico border conflict.

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Throughout the 2000s, Mexicans have taken advantage of weaknesses in the American infrastructure and infiltrated our turf and taken what is rightfully ours. I am of course mostly talking about Mexico somehow continually beating the U.S. in the WBC during important games.

In 2006 Mexico cost the United States a shot at wealth and happiness by stealing away a win in the 2nd round. We tried building up our defenses, creating what we thought was an unbreakable product. But the Mexicans managed to take advantage and find a way to take away what we deserved.

And still today, with Friday’s 5-2 win over the United States, Mexico continues to take what we have worked so hard to achieve, just because they play a more appealing brand of baseball with players who are willing to do things American players aren’t for little money (like bunt runners over).

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Traitor

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I’m confused too, John.

How could you do this to us? How could you treat us in Natstown like this? Don’t you know the pain this causes us? And around Christmas, the timing could not be worse.

John Lannan has signed with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has joined our most hated rival, all for $2.5 to $5 million. Was it worth it? Was it worth becoming the most hated man in Washington aside from every member in American politics?

The most powerful feeling for me right now is confusion. What did we ever do to you to make you sign with Philly? Sending you down to Syracuse wasn’t meant to upset you. It was giving you a chance to see how beautiful upstate NY could be. And finding 5 better starters than you wasn’t meant to put you out of a job. It was just to give you some more rest. Everyone loves vacation days at work!

Well LeBron, enjoy your time in Philadelphia. I’m sure all the Lannan jerseys in DC have been burnt, and all the posters taken down and also burnt. All 17 of them!

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Bryce Harper: Range We Can Believe In

Every good candidate needs a good slogan, and we’ve found one for Bryce Harper’s campaign for the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star Team. “Range We Can Believe In” evokes both the powerful emotions that people felt during Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign and the even more powerful emotions that people feel every time they see Bryce Harper running really far to catch a baseball.

So make yard signs, bumper stickers, facebook groups, shirts. Write it in bathrooms, at the top of your PhD theses; use airplanes to write it in the sky, and massive space paint-cannons to write it on the moon. Let everyone know that they have a new reason to hope, and it’s Bryce Harper’s ability to run down balls in the gap.

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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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