Tag Archives: pooping

Possessive ApASTROphe: Nationals Enslave Astros, Win Third Straight

"What? No! My shirt's just baggy!" --Lucas Harrell, after the umpire called him fat.

Final Score: Nationals 3, Astros 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 3 K. Zimmermann has found himself a new hobby this year: pitching seven innings and giving up one run. It’s a strangely specific hobby, but I’m not complaining. It’s definitely better than his previous hobby–collecting roadkill.

Shame of the Game: 

Fernando Rodriguez: .1 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, Loss. Rodriguez joins Kerry Wood and Carlos Marmol in a club of pitchers who have blown leads to the Nats in the 8th inning mostly by walking people. In this triumvirate of poor and wild relievers, I’d say Rodriguez is the Lepidus…not a particularly great honor.

A lot of those statistics-loving baseball fans who sit around in their mom’s basement crying, pooping and killing flies claim that wins are a bad statistic and are not representative of a pitcher’s actual performance because pitchers have no control over the run support they get from their offense. These computerlubbers might point to Jordan Zimmermann as the perfect example of the uselessness of wins, and at first glance they’d be right. Zimmermann is winless this season despite pitching 21 innings and allowing only three runs. The trend continued tonight: Zimmerman pitched 7 great innings, but the Nats didn’t bother to take the lead until the 8th, after he’d already left the game. So is he just unlucky? I don’t think so. This isn’t a new thing–last year he had the lowest run support of any starter in baseball, ending up with an 8-11 record despite a 3.10 ERA. No, I think there’s a very good reason why the Nationals hitters never score runs for Jordan Zimmerman. It’s because they hate him. Continue reading

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Brad Lidge Gives Shitty Pregame Sacrifice, Blows First Save as a National

Brad Lidge, producing today's sacrifice

Brad Lidge woke up this morning and realized he didn’t have any animals at the ready to sacrifice. He was feeling kinda lazy and didn’t want to go to the store or zoo to get one. So he went to the bathroom, fished around in the toilet for some poop that he forgot to flush the night before, and molded it into the shape of a cow. “Oh, I bet Poseidon doesn’t really pay attention to these things. He just sees the shape of an animal and accepts it.”

WRONG. You idiot, Brad Lidge. You ungodly, impious fool. You thought Poseidon would be okay with you sacrificing your own shit before a baseball game? No. Now you made Poseidon make Ryan Zimmerman look bad by having him miss that groundball down the third base line and spoiled Gio Gonzelez’s perfectly beautiful work.


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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Xavier Nady

If you own this card, you're not much better off than you would be if you didn't own this card.

Time is running out for the Nationals to set their final roster, and time is also running out for us to complete our series of 2012 Nationals Player Profiles before the regular season begins. Unfortunately, there are many more potential candidates for the Nationals roster than there are days for us to tell you all about each of them. So we have no choice but to try and enter the terrifying maze of depravity that is Davey Johnson’s mind and guess which players will be selected for the final opening day roster. It is certainly possible that within a few days Xavier Nady will be sent down to triple-A, released, traded, sold into slavery, or taken out behind Space Coast Stadium and shot, and this Player Profile will have been written in vain. But sometimes in life we have to take risks, from great risks like writing this post to small risks like drunk driving. So here goes.

When Xavier Nady’s wife emptied herself of a child on July 15, 2008, this newborn creature was named Xavier Henry Nady VII. No, Xavier Nady didn’t just add an extra name to the end of his son’s name that’s pronounced “veeeeeeeeeeee” and is capitalized for emphasis. There have actually been seven consecutive Nady couples who decided to name their male offspring “Xavier.” Continue reading

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