Tag Archives: porn

I’ve Seen Things, I’ve Seen Them With My Eyes, Like Nationals Winning Games

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This is the shirt they gave away, featuring Mr. Met and, uh, I’m not good with faces… Kinda looks like Derek Bell?

Nationals 6, Mets 4

I finally got to attend a Nationals-Mets game that the Nationals won. How weird is it that I had to use the word finally? That’s like going to the mall and then leaving and saying, “I finally got to go to the mall without being attacked by a giraffe.” It’s not something you would’ve expected to happen multiple times before, much like the Mets beating the Nats, but somehow it did.

For a while though, it looked like the Nationals would greatly disappoint me again. Through 7 innings, Ian Desmond was the only one who had done anything good. If the rest of our team was made up of quadruple amputees, this would be acceptable. But since the team is not all quadruple amputees, Desmond being to only one to succeed is frustrating. Thankfully the Mets “Metsed,” and had a terrific collapse that allowed the Nats to come out on top.

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Current Nationals in Playgirl

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Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

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Goodbye Chris Young (The Pitcher, Not the Actor)

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Young found his teammates were not accepting of him bringing his vast porn collection to the clubhouse every day.

Just last month, the Nationals signed Chris Young. Everyone was happy, because we needed someone to to dust on the top of counters, and Young was just tall enough to do it. But now, just one month later, Young has decided to opt out of being a cleaning gentleman to focus on actually getting a big league starting job.

Young is not that, as he will turn 34 this season. So hopefully he finds a team to take a chance on him. I just hope some team doesn’t accidentally sign him in order to meet a quota for employing minorities, ending up very disappointed.

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Nats Lose 4 in Rule 5

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That’s the number.

The Rule 5 Draft took place today. It’s a draft that often means very little, but sometimes we see a team come across an unknown gem of a player. It produces a lot more gems than the Rule 34 Draft however. Some of that stuff is just too weird to be comfortable with.

This year the Nationals didn’t pick any players, but lost 4 of their own to other teams. Danny Rosenbaum went to the Rockies, Jeff Kobernus to the Tigers, Jack McGeary to Boston, and Hector Nelo to the Dodgers.

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K-9: Strasburg Fetches Us a Win, Even with Neutering Soon to Come

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“So you’re telling me that even if I use this arm they won’t let me pitch past September 12th?” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Cardinals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Push it to the innings limit. Innings limit! Past the point of no return. You’ve reached the top, but now you’re gonna learn that this is a very bad idea. Paul Engemann wrote the song well before he knew that the Nats would be preventing more starts like this. I think he should amend those lyrics.

Shame of the Game:

Lance Lynn: Loss, 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER. Cards fans must be experiencing Lynnsanity! Sadly, this spelling of the affliction suggests severe depression as opposed to excitement.

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The Nationals are safe for 20 more years. Safe from being as pitiful as the 1993-2011 Pittsburgh Pirates. For 19 years, the Pirates ended up below .500 season after season. From 2006-2011, the Nationals played a quality of ball very successful in imitating those 19 years in Pittsburgh. Thankfully they weren’t old enough to suck that much over and over on camera. There is an age limit for going into porn after all. But as they stood about 1/3 of the way to the record before tonight, they have to start all over again. With tonight’s win, we will not finish with a losing record this season, for the first time since the first year in Washington. In fact, we might end up with a winning record for the first time ever. Unless we lose 29 straight games. Which we can all rightfully blame on Strasburg’s innings limit. So quickly Rizzo, let’s not go ahead and do that.

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The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T

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Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.

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I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

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Nationals Sign Lucas Giolito

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Rizzo agrees to terms with Giolito moments before a ball fractures Mike’s skull.

The Nationals signed 1st round pick Lucas Giolito just moments before Friday’s deadline. They agreed to a bonus of $2.925 million, above the slot recommendation. But let’s be honest, most slots only suggest putting in a quarter or something, Lucas deserved more than that. That amount may seem high to some now, but Giolito turns 18 years old tomorrow. I imagine it will be down to just a couple thousand after he buys the gas station out of porn and cigars.

The most important thing about this signing is that the amount was beneath the penalty threshold of $3.034 million. Going above this amount would have forced the Nats to forfeit a pick; something Brandon Belt was more than happy to do while trying to turn a double play vs. LaRoche the other day.

 

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