Split Peavy Soup: Nats Slurp Up White Sox in Series Opener

When the sunlight reflects off this sign at just the right angle, you can make out the faint hidden hologram message: “Suck it, Phillies.”

Final Score: Nationals 8, White Sox 7.

Belle of the Ball: Adam LaRoche. Adam’s two home runs made me forgive his 0-14 start to the season, but will I ever forget? Yeah, probably, in a couple months.

Smell of the Ball: Rafael Soriano. Save or no, Soriano smelled like a toilet that had gone unflushed flushed for a thousand years.

——–
Man, I love Gio Gonzalez. Can’t get enough of him. I go to all his starts. I love when he pitches, when he hits, when he just sits in the dugout and grins, when he balks with the bases loaded–wait. No. I hate when he does that. Damn it, Gio.

But even in the face of such a balk, I will not balk (HA) at expressing my affection for Gio, especially when he follows it up with four scoreless innings.

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Gio Wilikers: Gonzalez is Surprisingly Good With Bat and Normally Good With Ball

This lovely sunset is decidedly not a metaphor for the start of baseball season, and is thus useless to me.

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 0

Belle of the Ball: Gio Gonzalez. Gio clearly knows that nothing dispels allegations of steroid use like a sharp uptick in home run rate.

Smell of the Ball: Ian Desmond. How could anyone other than Desmond receive my first ever Smell of the Ball award? And with an 0-4-with-an-error performance in the game, his pungency was particularly putrid.

——–

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we’re back. Back at Nationals Park, the site of such much joy and pain on a cold October night just under half a year ago. The dull ache of Game 5 was acutely resurrected as I passed through the center field gates, but this time it was accompanied with the promise of another wildly successful season (minus the crushing disappointment at its conclusion, ideally).

Some things at Nationals Park were different, but many more were just the same as I left them. Here’s one thing that was the same: it was still really fucking cold. Honestly, Washington DC, you had six months to come up with some kind of weather that isn’t extremely unpleasant to watch a baseball game in, and you totally failed.

One thing that made this night-after-the-end-of-Passover different from all other nights was that on this night, hot dogs cost $1. I decided to take advantage of the theoretically appealing opportunity at the start of the third inning. Unfortunately, $1 hot dogs must have some kind of universal appeal, because the entirety of Nationals Park decided to avoid all other concession options and flock to the usually-deserted Nats Dogs stand. I waited in that line for three entire innings of fortunately uneventful baseball.

William Howard Taft: The Next President

Sexual fetishes were different in the early 1900s.

A while ago we wrote a post regarding rumors about a new president to be added to the Presidents Race. Well, we never followed up on it, but the Washington Nationals did. Earlier in the week, the Nationals twitter confirmed that a new president would be announced at Nats Fest. Well tonight, as Dan Steinberg first reported, that new president is William Howard Taft.

What does this mean for the Presidents Race, aside for completely restructuring the warning track with support beams to counteract the tremendous downward force of Taft’s extra weight? Well frankly, I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect out of Taft, aside from frequent clogging of the toilet in the presidents’ break room.

One new thing to expect is perhaps the inclusion of a vehicle, not to give Taft an advantage but rather a fighting chance. Perhaps a motorized custom-made bathtub to help him down the track? Honestly if he doesn’t get some form of transport to assist him we’ll need extra paramedics on the sidelines.

I wonder how Teddy feels about this. He was beaten by Taft once, and if it happens again it’ll be pretty soul crushing for Roosevelt. Also Taft historically busted more trusts than Teddy, despite Teddy’s more famous nickname of the “Trust-Buster.” What does this say about the Nationals confidence in Teddy to bust any trusts that get in his way? Certainly nothing supportive. Poor Teddy. Just when he started winning, he loses again.

NLDS Game 5: A Nationals Tragedy

The gateway would have better represented what was in store for me inside had it read “Arbeit Macht Frei.”

Baseball is over, and I have come a long way in my emotional healing process since attending Game 5 of the NLDS. At long last, I feel that I can write about that game without breaking down, hiding under my bed, and trembling for a few hours until the flashbacks go away. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.

The tears wept by thousands of Nationals fans after the bottom of the 9th of Game 5 have long since turned into a fine mist that hovered over Nationals Park and descended to earth to water the outfield grass so it will grow still greener next seas-NO NO NO OH GOD IT’S ALL COMING BACK NO I CAN’T RELIVE IT ALL AGAIN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

…

It was a perfect night for October baseball. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, the crowd was abuzz, and the Cardinals fan sitting to my right was shrieking like a rabid banshee biting off her own fingers.

Oh wait, that last thing does not belong in the “perfect” category. It seemed that a woman had traveled hundreds of miles from St. Louis to Washington, DC for the sole purpose of shortening the number of years before I need a hearing aid.

People haven’t been so excited about waving red towels since brides after their wedding nights in the middle ages.

A Phitting End: Nats Climb the Phinal Cliff to Take Season Phinale

Speak softly and carry a big head. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Final (sniff) Score: Nationals 5, Phillies 1.

Dame of the Game:

Teddy Roosevelt: Win.

Shame of the Game:

Jonathan Papelbon: .2 IP, 2 ER, H, BB, K. It’s almost sad that Papelbon won’t have the chance to blow any saves in the postseason. The happy kind of sadness.

——–

They let Teddy win. I always knew they’d do it eventually when the Nats got good. They had to. The constant failures of Teddy couldn’t go on forever, lest they devolve further into some kind of dark metaphor for the ultimate pointlessness of existence.

But now that the impossible has been made possible, what is left for this franchise to strive for? The dream of Teddy winning was so fantastical, so quixotic, that all other goals now seem almost trivial. Sure, the Nats could win the World Series. But it was always at least theoretically possible that they could win the World Series. Even in the dark, dark days of ’06 – ’09, the odds of those teams winning the Series at the beginning of the season were greater than zero. The odds of Teddy winning did not exist. If you bet on Teddy winning and he won, this would happen.

Teddy Wins!

Another winner rubbing it in John McCain’s face.

It’s finally happened. Teddy has won the Presidents Race. For so many years Teddy has been trying hard to win, and it looked like he’d never even come close. Much like Mitt Romney. But finally he was able to do it in 2012. Hopefully not like Mitt Romney.

The oddest thing was perhaps how the win went down. For you see it wasn’t Teddy winning this race on his own. He was helped by a mini Phillie Phanatic. Could this be the Phanatic’s son, rebelling against his father’s beliefs and coming over to the better side? I would be ok with that if I wasn’t worried about him bringing over some of the strange diseases that Philadelphians carried. I mean, his nose did fall off during the altercation. I wouldn’t be surprised if all that green fur was actually gangrene.

But hooray for Teddy. It’s been a long hard fight, but now you are what you’ve always dreamed of. 1 and 534. Congratulations, you’d be a perfect fit on the Charlotte Bobcats.

Update: Watch the video here.

A New President Soon to Come?

Who could it be? Whoever it is, we’re probably going to need some white felt.

With the Nationals announcing the final series of the season being dedicated to Teddy, rumors are swirling in certain places that a new President might be added to the famed mascot race at some point in the near future. Well we here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram have joked about this in the past, but with the very real seeming possibility that a new President will be picked to join the contest, we thought we’d recommend what you could do with each of the 40 currently unused Presidents.

Over the next few weeks, look for our recommendations to the Nationals as to what we can do with each of the remaining Presidents, in a new segment called “Presidential Nominees.” Hopefully we get enough people to support this cause and successfully elect a new man that can shake things up on the warning track.

Come Out For the Teddy in 2012 Series

Hopefully another assassination attempt doesn’t dampen the occasion.

The Nationals have dedicated their last series of the season to the President that everyone loves. No, not Kang or Kodos. I mean the President everyone loves by choice. Teddy! That’s right, as the Phillies come to town from October 1st to 3rd, the Nationals will host a “Teddy in 2012” series. It’s very fitting they’re playing Philadelphia considering most of the Phillies fans, male and female, are as big and hairy as bull moose. You can read all about the series and get tickets here.

The big question for the series is will Teddy win? After hundreds of failures in the Presidents Race, can Teddy finally cross the finish line first? It certainly is possible. But technically so is Mitt Romney winning the Presidential race. Just cause they’re possible, doesn’t mean they’re anywhere close to likely.

I always thought that Teddy winning should be on some grand occasion. I’m not sure if a series vs. the Phillies is the time to do that. Giving your biggest rival a chance to be present for history? Why give them that pleasure. And how do we know one of them won’t try and take a shot at Teddy to prevent him from some grand comeback. To prevent catastrophe, let’s stuff that giant head with folded up speeches.

I guess we’ll just have to see what the Nats decide to do. Maybe they’ll replace the other Presidents with Teddy’s greatest rivals, to make it real special. How about a race like we saw in the 1912 Presidential election? Taft in a rolling bathtub, Dusty Baker can suit up as Woodrow Wilson considering Dusty’s recent unfortunate experience, and a Eugene V. Debs character as well, assuming the person portraying him doesn’t go on strike.

The Kemperor’s New Clothes: Clippard Can’t See Dodger Uniforms After Surrendering Home Run

When Zimmerman returned the ball to Lannan, it read, simply, “I wish you were someone else.”

Final Scores: Nationals 3, Dodgers 1; Dodgers 7, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Games: Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. After a number of bad starts recently, Jordan was back to his old tricks. And I don’t mean that trick he used to play on his mother where he would fake his own death. That was mean.

Shame of the Games: John Lannan. 3.2 IP, 6 ER, 8 H, 2 BB, 3 K.. It’s not John Lannan’s fault that he’s such a bad pitcher, really. He, like most people on this earth, is destined to an existence of never truly excelling in his field of choice. Can we really fault him for simply performing at the same level most of us do?

Yes. Hypocrisy’s never stopped me before.

——–

Every time I hear the word “doubleheader,” naturally the first thing I think of is two baseball games in the same day. But the second thing I think of is some kind of creature that has two heads. Any such creature could, of course, be described as a double-header.

Double-headers can be good, bad, or neutral. My feelings about yesterday’s doubleheader between the Nats and the Dodgers can thus be chronicled in terms of pictures of creatures with two heads that I deem either good, bad, or neutral. Makes sense, right?

For instance. Yesterday’s doubleheader was a single admission doubleheader (I picture a double-headed creature who has only ever admitted guilt to a single horrible crime in his life), so my ticket to the nightcap could have gotten me into both games. But due to Other Commitments, I only arrived at Nats Park after the first game had ended. At that point, the doubleheader was going quite well. The Nats had won the first game 3-1. It looked something like this:

Heck of a Job, Brownie: After Severe Storm, Nats Successfully Clean Up Mess

Us featured on MASN again, though probably not as intentionally on their part as last time.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Marlins 6

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 1-5, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Jayson Werth was a shame of the game candidate before the rain delay, but afterwards he was the star. I guess Werth is like a flower, he just needs to be watered to reach his full potential. Also like a flower, some people get allergies when they get too close to Jayson. Probably cause of whatever’s stuck in that mound of hair on his face.

Shame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, 1 E (should be 2), 3 Earned Runs. A simple grounder went through LaRoche’s legs in the 5th which led to two runs, and a failure to pick a low but easy Zimmerman throw later led to another. Clearly Adam should not be considered to replace Strasburg in the rotation, considering the amount of runs he allows. However, he would be a good fit for the next vacancy for the Marlins closing role.

——–

The magic we felt upon entering Nationals Park yesterday no longer remained. A decision had been announced that we were all dreading. Many in the ballpark were shaking their heads. But that would be hard not to do, the promotional Ryan Zimmerman bobbleheads were just so fun to play with! They could only distract from the pain for so long though, as the reality set in: Stephen Strasburg is done.

The decision for such an early shutdown was a surprise. But not a good surprise, like a surprise birthday party. No, this was in fact quite the opposite. No balloons, no presents, and 30,000 people in attendance. …nobody shows up for my birthday parties :(.