Tag Archives: prostitutes

Nationals Sign Jerad Head


Why show the rest of him?

We got Head! Sadly, it wasn’t of major league caliber and it cost us a couple thousand dollars. Next time I’ll find a better hooker.

The Nationals signed Jerad Head to a minor league contract. Head’s greatest claim to fame so far could be his assault of a bouncer in Akron. I’ve missed Elijah Dukes quite a bit, so I think this signing is a great one.

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Nats Acquire Denard Span


Denard’s mother believes having discipline is important for baseball, and still believes in spankings to enforce it. Denard is not fond of spankings. Or as his mom calls them, “SPANkings.”

The Nationals pulled off a big trade just minutes ago, acquiring Denard Span from the Twins for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. The team has been trying to find a solid CF for a few years, and have made many attempts at Denard during that Span of time. The (front) Office has done good by bringing in Denard Dog.

Span has dealt with injuries for a few years, but when playing he’s a big on-base threat and a quality fielder. While this would be a good acquisition for any team, it means a lot for the Nationals. The move allows Werth and Harper to move to the corner outfield spots, making Morse or Moore a valuable trade chip, and the re-signing of LaRoche not such a sure thing. I’m sure Adam would be worried about what this means for his future with the Nats, if he hadn’t already been distracted by 3 separate topics in the last 5 minutes.

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Carroll and Maldonado Elect Free Agency


Brett wanted to spend more time with his passion, laughing at the small portions that poor people get.

Brett Carroll and Carlos Maldonado have elected free agency. Both men played an important role on this team in 2012, by staying out of the way as to not prevent our success.

Carroll had an exciting two at bats in 2012. Exciting for the other team, because he got out in both of them. But at the same time he managed to score 2 runs. Sure he might strike out and fail to impress every time he sets out for success, but he still manages to score often. Hmm, scoring a lot even though you’re a failure? Must be on some madam’s list somewhere.

As for Maldonado, I’m impressed he’s still alive. Playing catcher for the Nationals in 2012 was a risky thing to do. But he came out in the end and is still breathing. So congrats on being alive. At least physically, despite if you’re dead on the inside. We know that can happen to someone after playing in Syracuse for so long, just look at John Lannan and his sad, dead eyes.

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Do The Nationals Enable Underage Drinkers?


Clearly yes, as seen above. Oh that’s Mike Rizzo? I thought it was a giant baby.

For a while I wondered what the Nationals would do if they clinched a playoff spot when it came to celebration. Most teams celebrate with champagne and beer, but with 19-year old Bryce Harper on the team, that clearly wasn’t a legal option. Certain teams have taken steps to cater to teammates’ needs, such as the Rangers using soda to celebrate with Josh Hamilton. The Nationals could have done something similar for the youthful Bryce. Chocolate milk, perhaps?

But no, the Nationals, Bryce included, celebrated using using alcohol last night. I hate to do it, but I think we should call for the arrest of those involved. In a game like baseball we cannot allow underage drinking to thrive. Steroids, prostitutes and cocaine, that’s fine. But underage alcohol use, no way.

Now I’m sure Bryce might say that he wasn’t consuming the beer and only using it to spray on people, citing his religious beliefs. He famously denied that he would drink alcohol while in Canada earlier this year. Come on Bryce. Are we supposed to believe that? People who handle cocaine don’t just throw it everywhere to make it feel like Christmas. People who use LSD don’t just glue the paper over a spelling mistake when they’re out of white out. Bryce, stop clowning around.

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Nationals Sign Mike MacDougal


We have employed a giant.

The Nationals have signed Mike MacDougal to a minor league contract. MacDougal played for the Nats back in 2009, meaning he can probably only make things worse. I guess the team is taking a gamble on this Las Vegas native, hoping that he will pay out. That, or maybe they just brought him in for recommendations on hookers when the team travels to Vegas.

There isn’t much of a place for MacDougal on the big league roster right now, but if he waits around maybe something will open up. That’s what the Nats have been telling John Lannan for months to distract him from plotting to assassinate Ross Detwiler.

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Wang to DL, H-Rod Activated


Wang’s insistence on holding a press conference to announce his placement on the DL drew some strange looks.

Wang’s chances for success have been derailed again. It’s not a prom rejection, or even a prostitute returning the money insisting she “can’t do the job because it’s too inverted.” It’s in fact another injury, as Chien-Ming has been placed on the DL again, with a hip strain. I had never expected Wang to get hurt this way, but when he showed up in the clubhouse this week in a backwards cap and shades while riding a skateboard, well, that seemed like too much of a strained effort to be hip. The injury was bound to happen.

With Wang’s return to the DL, Henry Rodriguez makes his return to the bullpen. Or at least Davey Johnson told him to walk out to the bullpen, we’re not sure if he made it. He’s not very accurate. He can be a very valuable asset out of the pen, arguably more than ink. Hopefully he returns to his early season ways, and remembers that as much as he hates the ants building anthills by home plate, you shouldn’t throw wild curveballs at them. Sure ants ruin picnics, but those wild pitches are just bad for the team.

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