Tag Archives: Puerto Rico

Nationals Sign J.C. Romero

JC Romero 07-11-09A photo of J.C. taken in hell.

O Romero, Romero, wherefore art thou Romero?

Oh, you’re here.

J.C. Romero has signed a minor league contract with the Nationals. Fresh off a WBC finals run with Puerto Rico, J.C. finds himself in the capital city of the country that keeps his fellow countrymen’s voices at bay. He’s here for one of two reasons. To play baseball, or to infiltrate our government after earning our trust and finally helping Puerto Rico achieve statehood. Either way, he’ll have to deal with old white men who control everything.

Romero was actually briefly a National once before, having played in the minors for a few weeks in 2011. I guess he just couldn’t stay away. You know what they say. Once you go National, you never go back-tional.

People say that.

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Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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DR DR, Give Me The News: Dominicans Have Bad Case of Going Undefeated, Loving You

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Sadly in modern baseball, scolding the opposing team no longer counts for 2 runs.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Netherlands 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: This family from the Netherlands trying to adjust to life in the Dominican Republic.

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Well one thing is clear for sure. Not being much does not exclude you from winning, unless of course we’re talking about a mass possession contest. In that case if you are not much, not only are you not Dutch, but you also are a failure. Despite being much and Dutch, the Dutch proved to be not much in terms of winning. Much of the fanfare about the Dutch abruptly died, as the not-so-much-Dutch Dominicans proved to be much much more than the Dutch, despite the amount of their muchness coming into question often, given their lack of Dutch-ness. Well all that ado about muchness turned out to be much ado about nothing. It is odd that something about muchness could ultimately amount to nothing, but it is the case here. The Dutch were much-Dutch, but not much of a baseball team. And for that, they lost.

But you know who are much and Dutch, much in that there are 5 of them and Dutch in that they are from the Netherlands? The Broekhuijsen family. The Broekhuijsens were a family of ex-pats who moved to the Dominican Republic in 2001. Arriving in an unfamiliar land, and lacking the support and comfort they were used to at home, was tough for this group of Dutch folks. Just like it must have been tough for the Netherlands baseball team. They were thousands of miles from home, and fitting in was hard. Whether it was because they were an unappreciated baseball squad, or because they were white, blending in well with these foreign worlds was going to be a challenge.

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It’s Seppuku Time: Japan Disembowled By Puerto Rico in Semifinal

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Japan 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The U.S. dropping an atomic bomb on Japan

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They will go down as perhaps the two most difficult decisions in history. Decisions of unparalleled consequence. Decisions that altered the course of humanity. Decisions that strike to the very core of the human condition. Decisions that haunted and will forever haunt the sleepless nights of their makers.

The first: United States President Harry S. Truman’s decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilian lives weighed on the most terrible scale against the similar thousands of American soldiers whose lives would have inevitably been lost in a ground invasion of Japan. The unleashing of the most devastating weapon ever devised to end the deadliest conflict the world had yet experienced.

The second: Puerto Rico Manager Edwin Rodriguez’s decision to bring in J.C. Romero into a 3-1 game in the bottom of the 9th of a 2013 World Baseball Classic semifinal. The possibility that J.C. Romero would get some outs weighed against the likelihood the he would give up some baserunners. The unleashing of a pretty terrible pitcher in an effort to end a baseball game that would send Puerto Rico to the WBC finals. Continue reading

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Santo Sabado: Saturday’s Game Enlightens Us All About Semifinal Seeding

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The players find it hilarious that all of Jose Reyes’s teeth fell out. But how will he chew? Not so funny when you consider that issue.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 2, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The tourism battle between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.

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When you’re thinking of a nice Caribbean vacation, you’d probably consider going to either the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico. Just like baseball. When you’re thinking of good baseball, you’d probably consider either the Dominican Republic or the USA. I mean Puerto Rico, which is kind of the USA anyway.

The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are the two most visited vacation destinations in the Caribbean. Source: Wikipedia said that in a sentence and fact checking is boring, so lets go with it. Puerto Rico has historically been on top, but the Dominican surely wants to be recognized as number one. I’m surprised they aren’t already, as Jose Lima’s gravesite should be a pilgrimage for any baseball fan from the 90s, much like Mecca.

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Great PR Campaign: Puerto Rican Efforts Persuade US Players to Lose

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Angel Pagan believes he’s a choo-choo train. It’s kind of cute. And also a frightening sign of severe mental illness.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, USA 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War.

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Americans always look good early on. However whether it’s because of a breakdown in strategy in some sort of competition, or because your metabolism slows down as you age and obesity finally kicks in, the USA tends to look a lot worse in the end. Take the Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But at the very end they floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they could have done a lot more.

Then we look at the WBC. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But then in their second game the Americans floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they also could have done a lot more. Friday’s game was strangely similar to the events of the late 1800s for these reasons, and also because a couple fans were taken as POWs. Loria wanted to make sure the stadium was filled next season and had no other options.

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Puerto Beacon: Late Inning Rally Guides Italy Out of Tournament

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A Puerto Rican player realizes he just missed the chance to touch his butt to another man’s butt. How sad.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, Italy 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Corsican Immigration to Puerto Rico.

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In the early 19th century, Spain grew fearful of a rebellion in their remaining Caribbean colonies, which included Puerto Rico. In the early 21st century, the WBC organizers grew fearful of a rebellion against the WBC. Both governing bodies decided that a jolt was needed to reinvigorate that which could soon slip away from them. The answer in each event was to invite a bunch of Europeans to come on and join the party, which in both cases (the only two times in history) did not lead to a weird discotheque-themed orgy.

Through the Royal Decree of Graces, Spain invited non-Spanish European Catholics to emigrate to Puerto Rico, while through e-mail or something more modern, WBC organizers invited the UK, France, etc. to join their quadrennial event.

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Muerto Rico: U.S. Clobbers “51st State,” Metaphorically Stating That They Suck

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Doesn’t matter, you suck at baseball.

Final Score: USA 7, Puerto Rico 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The issue of Puerto Rican statehood.

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“I like the way American flags are designed and that shouldn’t change!”

This excerpt from Joe Torre’s pre-game pep talk proves one thing. Americans are very content with just having 50 states. And that Joe Torre probably enjoys a pre-game cocktail. So, two things.

For a long time, Puerto Rico has kind of just been there, living a decently uneventful life as an American territory. Much like in baseball, where many Puerto Ricans are just kind of there, controlled by American ownership. Just like how Ruben Sierra was controlled by George W. Bush during Bush’s ownership of the Rangers. Only America doesn’t constantly ask Puerto Rico what they think of our dog paintings like Bush did to Sierra.

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Dominicanatrix: Puerto Ricans Are Submissive to Dominican Whipping

A smiling Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body to the left until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

An exuberant Robinson Cano extends his arms and starts tilting his body until he falls over, to a standing ovation from the crowd.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Puerto Rico 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Unwanted immigration from the Dominican Republic to Puerto Rico

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They just keep coming. Dominicans, pouring across home plate, pouring across the Mona Passage. No pitching, defense, or U.S. coast guard can stop them. What’s a poor Puerto Rican (Poorto Rican?) to do?

It’s not Puerto Rico’s fault that the Dominican Republic has a terrible economy and a great offense. It’s not their fault that the Dominican Republic is right next to the even worse country of Haiti and has Robinson Cano on their team to hit beautiful, beautiful home runs.

It is a little bit their fault that their starting pitcher was Orlando Roman, who has never and will never succeed in a baseball league anyone cares about. It is also a little bit their fault that they haven’t bothered to become a U.S. state so the U.S. government doesn’t care all that much how many illegal Dominicans show up on the island. But on the whole, Puerto Rico is the victim here, of the Dominican Republic’s merciless immigrants and amazing-baseball-player-producing factories.

I wish there was some way to help them, but I’m afraid it’s too late for Puerto Rico. Their normal jobs will all be taken by Dominicans, and they won’t even be able to get jobs as professional baseball players because the Dominicans will have taken all those jobs too. They are doomed to lead depressing lives of sitting on the beach doing nothing in a tropical paradise.

Tragic.

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The Rico Get Rico-er: Puerto Rico Adds to Wealth of Victories at Venezuela’s Expense

I'm not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy...

I’m not sure how the Venezuelans expected to win starting a dead guy…

Final Score: Puerto Rico 6, Venezuela 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Venezuela feeling that Puerto Rico is the  base of the American Caribbean Empire against Venezuela

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Hugo Chavez was a crazy man who believed some pretty crazy things, which makes his passing a bit sad because we will now no longer hear him say any of those crazy things. His hilarious utterances will be sorely missed, if not the other aspects of his existence. In memoriam of his unfailingly creative turns of phrase, this post is dedicated to one of them in particular: his opinion on the island of Puerto Rico.

Chavez felt that PR was in fact being used by the United States as a base of operations for its imperial ambitions in Venezuela and the rest of Latin America. He went so far as to describe Puerto Rico as a “gringo colony” of the U.S., and promised to one day liberate it. He even alleged that the leading U.S. diplomat in Venezuela had met with anti-Chavistas in exile in Puerto Rico.

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