Tag Archives: pus

Erasable Pen: Relievers Relieve Nats of 9 Run Lead

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The game was delayed for a bit to clean up the mess Sean Burnett left on the mound. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.

Dame of the Game:

Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…

Shame of the Game:

Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.

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Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.

The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.

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Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

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“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

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Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

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