Tag Archives: racism

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

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Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Kang-aroo Jack: Home Run Gives Korea Insufficient Win

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is.

Jungho Kang points out to his opponents where the real China is

Final Score: Korea 3, Chinese Taipei 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The intense baseball rivalry that apparently exists between Korea and Taiwan

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Bottom of the 8th. One on, two out. Korea down by a run. Up steps the Korean third baseman, Jungho Kang. All the eyes of Asia, [racist joke redacted], are upon him. The pitch comes in, and Kang gives it a mighty wallop. Up, up and away it flies, deep into the night. The ball keeps traveling without regard for outfielder or fence. As it landed in the seats, every Korean south of the DMZ erupted in joy (not to be confused with the simultaneous eruption in North Korea, which was just another underground nuclear weapons test).

Korea had taken the lead 3-2, and would go on to win the game by the same score. An Instant World Baseball Classic, no? No. You see, the victory merely put Korea into a three-way tie with Chinese Taipei and the Netherlands for the two second round spots from Pool B. Korea had the worst run differential in games against the other two teams, so they’re out of the tournament.

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

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Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

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Nationals Sign Delwyn Young

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Pure bliss.

The Nationals have signed Delwyn Young to a minor league contract. Unlike the similar sounding Delmon Young, Delwyn has made no anti-semitic comments that I’m aware of. In the never ending contest between the Youngs, I guess you could consider his less-racist character another Wyn for Delwyn.

EDIT: A loyal reader has reminded me that Delwyn was the man to hit the 2-run HR off Strasburg in Stephen’s debut. I had repressed this memory, but am thankful that I was reminded of it. This is a loss for Delwyn, no doubt. A loss of life. Because I will rip his head off for nearly ruining that beautiful night.

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NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

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Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

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Only Fit to Clipp Toes: Clippard Is Demoted From Job as Fingernail Clipper After Loss

Senator John McCain wanders around the stadium bothering fans with boring war stories. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Brewers 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 6 K. More like “Deadwin Jackson.” Like he’s dead. After pitching too well.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 4 H. Tyler “The Gipper” Clippard. Like Ronald Reagan. As in, pretty bad.

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As TGP and I have returned from our weekend of BACCANALIC DEBAUCHERY, we will now begin the arduous task of parsing through this weekend’s less-than-ideal series against the Brewers. Evidence of said insobriety can be found in the above Dame/Shame descriptions, which were definitely written at some point but it is unclear by who and in what way they thought they were being witty at all.
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Rejected Roger Bernadina Sign

Every man and woman eventually reaches a point where they have to draw a line, and say “that’s too racist to take out in public.” For us, it might take further to reach that line than most people. But the picture above is an example of something that sadly lies beyond that line.

A higher quality of the truly horrifying Great Black Shark image we did end up proudly displaying at Nats Park is below. Continue reading

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Heck of a Job, Brownie: After Severe Storm, Nats Successfully Clean Up Mess

Us featured on MASN again, though probably not as intentionally on their part as last time.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Marlins 6

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 1-5, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Jayson Werth was a shame of the game candidate before the rain delay, but afterwards he was the star. I guess Werth is like a flower, he just needs to be watered to reach his full potential. Also like a flower, some people get allergies when they get too close to Jayson. Probably cause of whatever’s stuck in that mound of hair on his face.

Shame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, 1 E (should be 2), 3 Earned Runs. A simple grounder went through LaRoche’s legs in the 5th which led to two runs, and a failure to pick a low but easy Zimmerman throw later led to another. Clearly Adam should not be considered to replace Strasburg in the rotation, considering the amount of runs he allows. However, he would be a good fit for the next vacancy for the Marlins closing role.

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The magic we felt upon entering Nationals Park yesterday no longer remained. A decision had been announced that we were all dreading. Many in the ballpark were shaking their heads. But that would be hard not to do, the promotional Ryan Zimmerman bobbleheads were just so fun to play with! They could only distract from the pain for so long though, as the reality set in: Stephen Strasburg is done.

The decision for such an early shutdown was a surprise. But not a good surprise, like a surprise birthday party. No, this was in fact quite the opposite. No balloons, no presents, and 30,000 people in attendance. …nobody shows up for my birthday parties :(.

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