Tag Archives: Rafael Soriano

One Win, Two Loss, Reds Win, Blue Fish: A Reds Series Recap

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We’re not sure if someone made a joke, or if Davey just finds his full diaper to be warm and comforting.

You might be asking yourself, “What is this series recap for? Why no individual game recaps? Where are my pants?” The answers: Less work for us but a higher quality of posts, don’t worry we’ll still be doing them on occasion, and I took them. But lets not worry about pants and crimes. Let’s worry about baseball, specifically the series between the Nationals and Reds over the weekend.

Game 1:

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Harper waits to be informed of the weather using the time-trusted method of fans sticking their hands out to see if its raining.

Reds 15, Nationals 0.

If you’re a big Nats fan like me, you really enjoyed watching…whatever was on the first channel I could turn to in order to get away from this horrible terrible game. Unless of course you couldn’t find the remote, and you were too lazy or obese to move from the couch to turn away from this hellish game. Sorry you had to endure that, Livan.

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Gio Wilikers: Gonzalez is Surprisingly Good With Bat and Normally Good With Ball

This sunset is decidedly not a metaphor for the start of baseball season, and is thus useless to me.

This lovely sunset is decidedly not a metaphor for the start of baseball season, and is thus useless to me.

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 0

Belle of the Ball: Gio Gonzalez. Gio clearly knows that nothing dispels allegations of steroid use like a sharp uptick in home run rate.

Smell of the Ball: Ian Desmond. How could anyone other than Desmond receive my first ever Smell of the Ball award? And with an 0-4-with-an-error performance in the game, his pungency was particularly putrid.

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we’re back. Back at Nationals Park, the site of such much joy and pain on a cold October night just under half a year ago. The dull ache of Game 5 was acutely resurrected as I passed through the center field gates, but this time it was accompanied with the promise of another wildly successful season (minus the crushing disappointment at its conclusion, ideally).

Some things at Nationals Park were different, but many more were just the same as I left them. Here’s one thing that was the same: it was still really fucking cold. Honestly, Washington DC, you had six months to come up with some kind of weather that isn’t extremely unpleasant to watch a baseball game in, and you totally failed.

One thing that made this night-after-the-end-of-Passover different from all other nights was that on this night, hot dogs cost $1. I decided to take advantage of the theoretically appealing opportunity at the start of the third inning. Unfortunately, $1 hot dogs must have some kind of universal appeal, because the entirety of Nationals Park decided to avoid all other concession options and flock to the usually-deserted Nats Dogs stand. I waited in that line for three entire innings of fortunately uneventful baseball. Continue reading

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Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One

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“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”

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The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

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Happy 1 Year Anniversary, Us

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Really, thank you for loving us.

1 year ago today, February 28th, 2012, myself and Neptooth started this blog. Coincidentally ever since then The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” has been playing on a loop on my computer. Please. Help. I have no way of fixing this.

Thank you for supporting this blog. From our first follower to our second follower…I don’t think we have any more than that…all our followers have meant a great deal to us who created this. Thanks, both of our moms.

We hope you’ll stay with us for another 12 months. Or at least until Rafael Soriano throws his first pitch of the season, because that will be the downfall of us all.

EDIT: For some reason the post claims to have been posted on March 1st, despite it being very clearly 11:35 on February 28th. CURSE YOU WORDPRESS SERVERS BASED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN FOR RUINING THIS SPECIAL DAY!

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Stammen Avoids Arbitration with Two Year Deal

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He mostly stayed to get more free ice cream from these filmed Nationals segments.

Craig Stammen has avoided arbitration by agreeing to a 2-year contract with the Nationals. While terms are presently undisclosed, I feel that given the Nationals tendency to give $28 million to relievers who don’t deserve it, Craig will certainly earn more by actually being a talented reliever.

If anyone had the Stammena to go through an exhausting arbitration process and come out with what he deserved it was Craig. But Craig got things done early and will be staying in Washington for at least 2 more years. Up to this point it had been a bad winter for baseball Craigs. But since Stammen’s accomplishments were rewarded while Biggio’s were not, it is clear that we have the better one.

Update: The deal is for $2.25 million. I guess blown saves are worth 26 million dollars then.

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Welcome to Soriano’s Inferno

"How much do cross the River Styx, sir?" "Oh, that'll be $28 million."

“How much to cross the River Styx, sir?” “Oh, that’ll be $28 million.”

Natstown, this is a public service announcement. You have less than three months to build yourself a sealed bunker, stock up on canned yams, completely cut yourself off from news of the outside world, and invest in some high-powered air conditioning. Or better yet, just cryogenically freeze yourself for the next two-three years.

Rafael Soriano is about to turn this city into a living hell. Continue reading

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Nationals Spring Training News

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Davey welcomes the players each year with his arm around his imaginary friend Fernald.

As sadness sweeps through Natstown on the wake of the worst signing in franchise history, there is some good news, news about Spring Training. It was announced officially that Nationals pitchers will report on February 12th, and position players on February 15th. I’m excited that it’s less than a month until pitchers report, and devastated that it’s less than a month until Rafael Soriano reports. But at least we can start the healing process and move on from last year’s debacle within a month.

In addition to some of the minor league deals that have been signed in recent weeks, the Nationals announced they will extend Spring Training invites to some other players in their system. Pat McCoy, Tanner Roark, Carlos Maldonado, Matt Skole and Zach Walters will all be at Spring Training. Everyone of these guys must be thrilled to get a shot at showing off their stuff, and also to spend a time in the nice Florida weather. Everyone will probably have a nice tan come the end of March, although its hard to imagine Roark getting any Tanner.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my computer keyboard is fritzing out cause of the many tears of mine that have dropped on it due to today’s earlier signing.

I am so sad.

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Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

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Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

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