Tag Archives: rape

Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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Habemus Rapem: Worthy Contenders from the Americas End European Control Over Church of Baseball

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Look at that great framed photo of Jesus Flores.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 5, Italy 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Election of Jorge Mario Bergoglio to the Papacy.

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We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram always try to keep up with the trendiest, most current stories. That’s why we’re developing a hilarious Macarana parody, so get ready.

But there is no bigger story currently in the news than the election of the new Pope. Pope Francis I is very notable, in that he marks the first time a Pope has come from the Americas, ending centuries of European domination. While in the case of the 2013 WBC it was only a few days of Italian domination, we still think the metaphor applies. Plus I really wanted to use this title, so I thought I’d go with it.

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Japan Successfully Invades China, With Less Rape This Time

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don't know what but it's a great picture.

Someone farted. Or, is trying to be sexy. Or, the lights are too bright. Or, something I don’t know what but it’s a great picture.

Final Score: Japan 5, China 2

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Nanking Massacre

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First Japan nationalizes the Senkakus, and now they easily beat China 5-2 in a World Baseball Classic pool game. When will this saber-rattling warmongery end?

In a game strongly reminiscent of the 1937 Japanese invasion the Chinese mainland, China quickly capitulated to strong offensive and pitching performances from Japan. Kenta Maeda held the Chinese side scoreless through five innings, and a four-run Japan fifth inning kept China on the retreat.

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NLDS Game 2: Buschwhacked

At a disgusted Davey Johnson’s request, Sean Burnett tries to rip his nose off. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Uhh…no.

Was it fun to watch: Is it fun to watch your entire family be instantly incinerated in a car accident?

Visceral Emotion of the Game: I feel like I’m dying a little bit inside. Wait, maybe it’s just a cold? No, no. Definitely dying.

Back when I used to dabble with the bats and balls myself, I had a coach who always used the same encouraging words when the team would go down 1-0 early in a game. “If you never score a run you’re not going to win anyway.” This was, logically, true. And it was comforting even though it omitted the fact that it was now impossible to win the game without scoring two runs.

When we gave up four runs early, the line had to be modified. “If you don’t score four runs in a game, you don’t deserve to win anyway.” This statement was less logical–after all, how do we know whether anyone deserves anything? What does it even mean to “deserve” something, in a world without karma or absolute good or reasonable grading for my English papers or an appropriate number of sexual partners given my impeccable taste in sweatpants? But after I got past my teenage existential crisis, this too was comforting. Four runs seems like a reasonable amount of runs to get in a game.

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Beastiality: Morse Forces Himself on Unwilling Phillies

 

Eury Perez hastily scrambles out of the grasp of a lustily thrusting Jeremy Horst. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI. Once was not enough. His appetite is insatiable.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Cloyd: 5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. His poor pitching was almost too sweet for the Nats. I might even say that its excessive pleasantness for Nationals batters was cloyding.

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And then there were three.

Three miserable little numbers, cowering in fear at the end of the road as the Natmobile careens wildly towards them, leaving a trail of crushed and crumpled numbers lying in its wake. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5 are already a distant memory, and 4 now shudders its final dying twitches.

The details of the grisly affair seem almost superfluous. Number 4 was just another nameless victim of the out-of-control Natmobile. The goal is too near to worry about the particulars of the collateral damage.

At the end of the road lies the NLDS. The Natmobile is an unstoppable force, and the objects in its path are decidedly movable.

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NatsLive Large: Dierks Bentley Concert Overshadowed by Something of Quality

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Sadness overwhelms Kristina Akra. She just can’t stand people being so wasteful with food and drinks. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 10, Brewers 4.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 3 R (0 ER), 5 K. Speedy Gonzalez got to 20 wins faster than any pitcher in the bigs this season. We should start calling the stadium the “Mouse’s House” to honor that nickname and his accomplishment. It’d be a better nickname than calling it the “Rape Victim” after every time Sean Burnett pitches.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. Livan has fallen on hard times. Meaning that hard times was probably flattened.

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With the Nationals former single season wins leader in the house (well sort of, we had trouble fitting Livan through the door entirely), Gio further distanced himself from that old record by getting his 20th win on Saturday. This is a huge accomplishment. I mean 20 wins for an individual, or a team if you’re from Houston, is amazing. I hope he can get to 21 by the end of the season, and celebrate by recklessly drinking at bars. And then maybe even 22, and celebrate by realizing you don’t get to do anything new at 22 but age. Gio has been an amazing pickup for the Nats, and has given them some special moments in his time here. Hopefully he can bring them one last special moment, the one that really matters. You know what I’m talking about. Winning that big prestigious award, The Toothy, for best smile in baseball.

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I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot Moore of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

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I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

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Paul-Bearer of Bad News: Maholm Tries Carrying Dead Team but Drops Them

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Mike Rizzo comes out on the field, finally revealing who he had in mind to replace Strasburg in the rotation. Himself. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Braves 1.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 6 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 10 K. Strasburg certainly doesn’t want to drop out of the rotation, still polling very favorably with his fans. But it all comes down to pressure put on him from those within his organization, who might make him bow out against his will in the end. This seems very Akin to another situation in the news. Especially since this too has a lot to do with rape, with Strasburg raping opposing teams every start.

Shame of the Game:

Paul Maholm: Loss, 7 IP, 7 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 6 K. It certainly wasn’t an a-Paul-ing start, but I had to give it to someone. Hmm, maybe I should get Shame of the Game for that appalling pun.

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“Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.” A phrase said by many normal people when it is raining, or many insane people because they are insane. Well fuck the people who said it yesterday, cause it caused a delay tonight and that was annoying. What are we supposed to do during all these rain delays? See why there’s so much crying coming from the baby monitor? No. I want my kid to learn problem solving skills. I hope all have you watched the game. If you didn’t, then I feel it’s fair to make you suffer the same wait that us others had to experience earlier today. So I’m going to add a 51 minute delay into this post for your reading.

 

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Dan Uggla Forgets How to Do Baseball, Nats Win in 13

I’m really looking forward to coming next time for Toetown Tuesday, when presumably they’ll replace all the intense pictures of players’ faces with pictures of their wiggling toes.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 2-6. It might seem like an unorthodox choice, but Kurt Suzuki had the accidental infield single that set up Chad Tracy’s dramatic walkoff easy groundball to second. You’re the Dame of the Game, Kurt Suzuki–take a Kurtsy.

Shame of the Game:

Dan Uggla: 1-6, K, that one play that ended the game. The “uggly” pun is almost too easy. But then it’s really his fault for living up so obviously to his last name.

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Last night’s game was The Most Important Game of the Year for the Nationals, and I was there to witness it. What an honor. I was also there to witness The Most Important Drizzle of the Year. What an honor.

When the rain finally went on its merry way, the game got off to a pretty exciting start. The Braves scored a run. The Nats scored a lot of runs! The Braves scored one less than a lot of runs. That all added up to things being tied after four and a half innings, which I naively thought at the time would be halfway through the game. Silly me.

Another exciting game of  the crowd-favorite “Put Circles in the Circle” is completed. Continue reading

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Johan-nes Bombs: Santana Composes Very Flat Work

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Morse just loves the smell of his finger. …I don’t want to know where it’s been. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Mets 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI. The horse had just one hit. But does this mean he had a bad performance? Neigh!

Shame of the Game:

Johan Santana: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 6 ER, 4 K. Yo Han, maybe focus a bit more on quality pitching and a bit less on smuggling goods throughout space. Although it is very important for baseball players to learn a profession to use for after retirement. Scratch what I just said.

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Mike Morse and Johan Santana have taken two different paths back from injury; Morse has taken the path of success, while Johan has taken the path of playing for the Mets. His supporting cast aside, Johan has done poorly on his own, notably going 0-5 with a 15.63 ERA in his last five starts. When asked what was causing these problems, Johan just kept claiming that he thought it was Opposite Day. This wouldn’t usually work, but considering that most people running things in baseball have the mental capacity of a five year old, everyone seemed fine with letting Johan continue to pitch.

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