Tag Archives: religion

Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

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“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

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Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

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On the Nationals’ New Marketing Campaign

The Washington Nationals have launched a new advertising campaign fit for a team with an outside shot at contention, using the tagline “Ignite Your Natitude.” There is at least one problem with this tagline. It seems to be making a pun on the phrase “ignite your attitude,” which would be clever except for the fact that “ignite your attitude” isn’t a phrase. According to google, there are only five places on the internet in which these words appear in succession. They are:

1. SalesTrainingMastery.com¬†invites you to “re-ignite your attitude towards sales” in its one hour teleseminar. Ironically, SalesTrainingMastery does not seem to be very good at sales.

2. Our second use comes from livingjoyfullybeyondfoodallergies.blogspot.com, in which a woman named Victoria who presumably has horrible food allergies wrote a poem called “Ignite New Vision and Perspective.” This poem includes the line “re-ignite your attitude.” It also includes the phrase “New¬†Light-Knowledge-Insights,” which calls into question the legitimacy of any of the words that it uses. Continue reading

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