Tag Archives: Rick Ankiel

Nationals Sign Micah Owings

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I’m sure you’ll find that pen you misplaced very soon, Micah.

The Nationals have signed first baseman Micah Owings to a minor league contract. Now many of you probably remember Micah Owings the pitcher. Well based on the similar looks of the one we just signed, the Owings we got is the very same and has transitioned to being a hitter, is Micah’s twin brother who his parents also named Micah for no good reason, or has had serious plastic surgery and a name change to look like the real Micah. I think choice two is probably the most likely, and that the Owings’s father was also named Micah and we’ve got George Foreman thing going on here.

Owings spent many years trying to make it as a pitcher but couldn’t quite cut it. During that time he was a terrifying offensive presence though, a regular Mike Hampton. Only with Micah you felt bad that he had trouble making it as a pitcher while with Mike you found it hilarious because of his giant contract.

The Nats have previously had a similar situation to the one they now have with Micah. Rick Ankiel made the transition from pitcher to “hitter” as well. Only I put quotations around hitter because well, look at Ankiel’s stats.

I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Owings at the Marvin Miller Memorial in NYC a few weeks ago. He was very polite and very tall, which both directly translate to offensive success as evidenced by Pleasant McLarge’s triple crown achievement in 1924. I hope Micah finds a place on our team down the line, if only so I can tell people I had a three way chat with a National and Rick Helling once.

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After Loss to Atlanta, Nats Need to Take Mylanta

Roger Bernadina takes a nap and tries to wrap his arm around his girlfriend next to him, only to realize that she left him months ago for Rick Ankiel. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

Final Score: Braves 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 5 K. New nickname to add to his pile of nicknames: the Rosselot (Sir Rosselot?). Is Ross more catlike or doglike? You decide.

Shame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 0-4, 2 K, Walk-Off Error. For Desmond’s 15th error of the year, let’s throw him a quinceanera party where everything goes wrong. Poisoned food, balloons that pop as soon as you inflate them, guests that thought they were going to an actual quinceanera party for one of their friends’ daughters, a cake that says “Congratulations on your latest failure!”, Ian Desmond’s presence.

——-

This was a banner game for Nationals that I hate. Ian Desmond and Sean Burnett, two players who have on the whole redeemed themselves considerably in my usually-unforgiving eyes, combined to produce a bottom of the 9th that justified every negative thing I’ve ever said about them. First Sean fucked. Then Ian sucked. I shall henceforth refer to these two unsavory individuals as the Fuck-Suck Duo. Coming soon to an Independent League/brothel near you.

I can’t complain too much about them while the Nats are still 7.5 games up in the division and seemingly have their playoff spot locked up. Wait, they just lost again? WELL FUCK YOU SEAN AND IAN, FUCK YOU IN WHATEVER PLACE YOU LEAST WANT IT.

…ahem.

Let me take a moment to talk about Kris Medlen and his 13 strikeouts and continued sub-1 ERA as a starter.

Okay, the moment’s passed. Phew, that was an unpleasant conversation.

I have to say, as we head into the last half of September, I’m running out of jokes to make about this Nationals team. There’s only so many times I can make different versions of the same joke about–

Wait, I got one. Continue reading

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Nationals Activate Storen, DFA Ankiel

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Not only is Storen a talented player, but he’s also a peekaboo master.

Drew Storen is finally back. It’s interesting that Storen, a man who owns a Batmobile type car, returns on the same day that the new Batman movie comes out in theaters. Perhaps Drew is indeed Batman, done with his movie promotion commitments, here to save us from all the baseball criminals threatening our livelihood. I feel this won’t be as difficult task as defeating The Joker, half the league can probably be brought up on public intoxication and aggravated assault charges.

Storen comes back at an intriguing time, as Tyler Clippard has experienced two straight days of struggling to close out games. Clippard perhaps feels sorry for taking Drew’s job, and wants to show there are no hard feelings. I always figured Tyler was a coward like this, what a loser. The glasses just screamed nerd, no way he can stand up to us jocks like Drew. I bet Tyler is shitty at sports and just spends hours by his computer…computing.

To make room for Storen, the Nationals DFA’d Rick Ankiel. So ends the Ankiel Era in Washington. An era marked by impressive throws and relatively baseball incompetence otherwise. Sounds like he’d fit in on the 1919 Black Sox well.

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Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

———-

The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Bryce Harper

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He’s the one on the left, I think.

Our series of player profiles has taken something unique about each member of the Nationals roster and formed it into some sort of longform comedic passage. Sometimes it’s been tricky to find something to write about, but we’ve had great success in doing so.

With just a few players that have played for the Nationals this season who we haven’t profiled, I thought it’s finally time to look at Bryce Harper. Going back to the struggle we’ve had with some players to find something to talk about, we all know that when it comes to Bryce Harper…

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The Morrowind Dies Down: Nats Take Advantage of Injury Like Lions, Thankfully Don’t Go 0-16

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You know what they say. Give up a home run, grab your penis. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 2 ER, 3 K. Jackson finally won a road game, his first one as a National. Before each away game to this point, Jackson had confusedly asked “Where am I?” never bothering to look at a map or listen. While the team had told him the truth until this point, they brought a “Welcome Home” banner and hung it in the clubhouse on this trip. Jackson was ecstatic to be in what he believed was his home, but devastated that his microwave was nowhere to be found. Jackson is not very bright.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Morrow: Loss, 0 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 Injury. Morrow left the game early with a strained side. Maybe next time he shouldn’t order the peas and carrots.

———-

The Nationals were riding high going into Toronto, in part because of their sweep of the Red Sox, but also because of Canada’s more lenient marijuana laws. This was a big moment for the nation’s team to show Canada that America means business, and they did just that in some very American ways. LaRoche and Ankiel launched bombs, Jackson fired bullets, and Sean Burnett ate so many Big Macs that his performance in the 9th was filled with shit. But in the end the Nationals came out on top of Canada just like America has in every way ever. Except geography. And social health programs. And human rights. And… you know what, fuck that. AMERICA!

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Nats Explore the Hudson, Discover Runs, Kill Natives

“Ahhhhh, this is relaxing” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, Win. Okay, so he allowed two inherited runners to score and let Jayson Heyward have his way with him, but he got a win in his 2012 debut! Chien-Ming Wang: 1-0. A sight for Wangless eyes.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: But, he also cheated on his wife. He must be punished for his immorality, and what better punishment than a Shame of the Game? Once he has accepted this just penance, he will be absolved of his crime in the eyes of me, God, and presumably his wife.

——-

The Nationals played their first game against their biggest divisional rivals last night, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta fought bravely, but even great courage was no match for the superior skill exhibited by the Nats, and the Braves found themselves with no win and no scalps.

It was a big day for Rick “Santorum” Ankiel, who got his Game On and went 2-4 with a triple, 2 RBIs, and hundreds of gay people made unhappy. Assuming that there are hundreds of gay Braves fans, of course.

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Jayson Werth has Surgery, Out 12 Weeks

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It was all caused by some clapping. Doctors told him his right hand was too powerful, but he didn’t listen.

Jayson Werth will be out for around three months after having wrist surgery today. I would say that this injury is the biggest waste of money for the Nats to come out of this Phillies series, but let’s not forget the signs that said Natitude Park all over the place. Werth seemed to be coming along quietly but productively in his second year, but will now have to watch from the sidelines. Come the end of season 2, will Nationals fans look back and think he wasn’t Werthy of this big contract? Will people be fed up with his average play and injuries? Will we resent him for taking so much of the teams money and giving so little back? I don’t know, probably.

With Werth’s injury it looks like Moore will play left more frequently, and Harper will move to right field. Despite Harper playing in right from now on, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 5-10 putouts a game in deep left field. Rick Ankiel commented how excited he was for Harper’s move as he’s more confident about his left side and wanted to impress the youngster.

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Nats Offense is Flaccid and Placid in 5th Straight Loss

We all know you're on the Nationals, Bryce Harper. Stop trying to hide it. It's not that embarrassing. (Also, your pullover kinda gives it away) (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 1-1, 2B, R. He did nothing wrong, unlike everyone else.

Shame of the Game:

The whole offense: Ugly. So ugly they made Trevor Cahill look handsome. Well, not really.

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Happy International Workers Day, everybody. Today is a day when we celebrate the proletariat, the poor, the downtrodden, the have-nots. And who has less than the Nationals offense these days? If runs were wealth, the Nationals would be living in a hovel made out of wealthy peoples’ litter, eating their own pets and drinking each others’ saliva. They’d be camping outside Nationals Park with signs that say “We Are the 99%,” which would be a total lie because they’re really only about the 3.3% of baseball players and everyone else gets a normal amount of runs.

But runs aren’t wealth.  Money is wealth, and the Nationals hitters are making plenty of money. So they really have no right to be celebrating May Day by not scoring any runs in solidarity with the billions of oppressed workers worldwide. Yet that’s exactly what they did. These days,  I don’t even bother to watch Nationals games until the 5th inning or so because I can be pretty confident that no one’s scored yet. Granted, today was another “let’s screw over Jordan Zimmermann” day, but even after the Mermann swam out of the game the offensive performance was underwhelming. “But maybe Trevor Cahill is just a fabulous, Hall of Fame-bound pitcher,” you say. Stop saying that, it’s stupid. Continue reading

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Zambrano-a-mano: Ankiel Powers Nats As Other Bats Fall Silent

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Storen watching today's action. He won't take the ball until Johnson says "OK." He's a very well trained man.
(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dame of the Game:

CO-WINNERS! OH MY GOD CO-WINNERS! It was just too hard to pick today so we’re pulling a little league award ceremony move and giving a bunch of people trophies.

Ross Detwiler: 6 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 7 K, 0 R. The Rottwiler is clearly trained very poorly because he shat all over the Marlins players today. While dog shit is often frowned upon, the Nationals quite appreciated it today. Detwiler was given a big steak, had his belly rubbed by Mike Rizzo, and was presented with a bunch of female dogs to hump as he pleased. Things got awkward…

Rick Ankiel: 3-3, 2 R, 1 HR, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Ankiel was the only good thing about the offense today, nearly single handedly helping the team to victory. His “bat” “came” in handy early, as “The Excessive Masturbator” jacked one out. He also had a celebratory masturbation session after the game.

Shame of the Game:

The Nationals Offense Minus Rick Ankiel: 1-25, 1 BB, 1 RBI, 8 K. Carlos Zambrano manhandled this team worse than his own career, throwing 7 perfect innings to all those who weren’t named Ankiel. To those who were named Ankiel, Zambrano threw a nice exclusive get together with an open bar. How nice of him.

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was good about it.

  • The Starting Pitching
  • The Bullpen

Let’s look at today’s game and say what was bad about it.

  • The Offense

Let’s look at the two “let’s look ats” above this “let’s look at” and say how many games it could apply to this season.

  • Pretty much every one.
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