Tag Archives: Rick Santorum

Bryce Harper Wins Final Vote: God’s

Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.

God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”

When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum. Continue reading

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Nats Explore the Hudson, Discover Runs, Kill Natives

“Ahhhhh, this is relaxing” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, Win. Okay, so he allowed two inherited runners to score and let Jayson Heyward have his way with him, but he got a win in his 2012 debut! Chien-Ming Wang: 1-0. A sight for Wangless eyes.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: But, he also cheated on his wife. He must be punished for his immorality, and what better punishment than a Shame of the Game? Once he has accepted this just penance, he will be absolved of his crime in the eyes of me, God, and presumably his wife.

——-

The Nationals played their first game against their biggest divisional rivals last night, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta fought bravely, but even great courage was no match for the superior skill exhibited by the Nats, and the Braves found themselves with no win and no scalps.

It was a big day for Rick “Santorum” Ankiel, who got his Game On and went 2-4 with a triple, 2 RBIs, and hundreds of gay people made unhappy. Assuming that there are hundreds of gay Braves fans, of course.

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Twenty-first Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Houston AstroCatastrophe

Today's game, which was played on the International Space Station, was delayed in the top of the 4th when the artificial gravity generator went down.

The Nationals lost again to the Houston Astros today, 5-1, presumably because they get some weird sexual gratification out of being really embarrassed. The loss brought the Nationals’ non-winning streak to 10. Here is a list of things that have happened since the Nationals last won a spring training game:

  • Tim Tebow was traded to the Jets
  • Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
  • Mitt Romney won the Illinois primary
  • Rick Santorum won the Alabama and Mississippi primaries
  • Carlos Baerga endorsed Rick Santorum for president
  • Thousands of people were born, had awkward puberty-related experiences, fell in love, lied to their children, cheated on their spouses, hoped they weren’t going to die, died
  • The time period encompassed by March 13, 2012
  • The Zimmerman(n) Telegram published this profile  of some guy who was later optioned to AAA
  • I’ve eaten like, 15 sandwiches
  • The Nationals were awful the whole time
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