Tag Archives: Riots

NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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Go Jump Off a Lidge: Nats Win Despite Awful Job by Awful Person

Another failed attempt at matchmaking by Rick Ankiel (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 1-4, HR, R, 2 RBI, K, Walk Off Sac Fly. Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. Fine. Here it is. Just take your reward and never come back. I still hate you, Ian Desmond.

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: 1 IP, 2 ER, HR, 3 BB, BS. I’ll deal with you later, Brad Lidge.

———

I had a great headline about how great Stephen Strasburg is all ready to go. With a paint-shop and everything. I was all ready to post it and go take a nap. I looked longingly at my bed. Staring back at me, just peeking out from under my covers, were the pathetic, loathsome eyes of Brad Lidge. The one man standing between me and blissful slumber. “Come on, Brad Lidge. I’m exhausted. Just let me get some of that sweet bed and forget all about worries and cares of my wearisome existence. Pretty please with Davey Johnson’s dandruff on top?”

“No. I’m stealing your bed. And furthermore I’m about to give up a two-run, game-tying home run to Logan Morrison.”

“Fuck you, Brad Lidge.” Continue reading

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Seventh Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Hugh’s Ton Ass Troughs (The best donkey feeders you’ll ever find; Also very heavy)

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One Astros player looked down at his jersey for the first time and realized the horrible truth of the situation he was in. The nervous breakdown delayed the game for 24 minutes.

The Washington Nationals beat the Houston Astros. A headline that we should’ve been able to write on day one finally became a reality, as the Nats dominated the Astros 8-0 this afternoon. It was a stellar showing from the Nats pitching staff, who allowed only three baserunners the entire game.

The real story however is the new dire financial situation that the Astros are in. After many bandwagon fans ordered lifetime season tickets after the 2-0 start to Spring Training, all are now calling for refunds and the heads of the owners and players. Houston, a baseball city that had forgotten their past entirely after a dismal showing last year, apparently had no knowledge that losses could happen, and the bitter taste of them is enough to cause a riot.

The Astros have called in 7 policemen to protect the team and quell any riots or attacks, thinking that will be more than enough for the one medium-sized family that makes up the Astros fanbase.

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