Tag Archives: rocks

Cuba Lib-hooray: Cubans Can Have A-Pool Party After Win

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

As per tradition, representatives from each team thumb-wrestle to decide who gets home field advantage.

Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan


The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”

The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.

Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon¬†even more powerful…the Island-Sinker. Continue reading

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I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.


Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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When He Won 17, It Was a Very Good Game: Cards Fall (Further) Into (2nd) Place


Gio did so well thanks to his lucky hat. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 10, Cardinals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 9 IP, 5 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 8 K. Gio is a rock. And more of a stalagmite than a stalactite. He rises up on a daily basis, and doesn’t hang things at all.

Shame of the Game:

Adam Wainwright: Loss, 2.2 IP, 9 H, 3 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. Clearly, starting Adam was the Wainwrong decision for the Cardinals.


The Cardinals are what everyone has been hoping for. Except some christian boys, they’ve already been traumatized quite a bit. Since coming into Washington, St. Louis has been outscored 18-1. What can we use to explain this offensive showing? Has Mark McGwire been peddling PEDs to the team? No, probably not. He has bad knees, so pedaling can be painful. Maybe it’s just the rejuvenated feeling of coming home again after a bad road trip. Only when I come home after going on the road, I’m exhausted and usually just sleep and ignore my obligations. That’s why I’m not playing baseball I suppose. Or doing anything gainful.

Continue reading

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