Tag Archives: Ryan Mattheus

NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

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“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

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The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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Ejection Day: Ryan is Wrong for Washington

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Dan Uggla? I’m so sorry. (Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images)

(A note: Sorry for the delay for this post. I’ve been experiencing bad allergies that have kept me from functioning properly. Maybe I’m allergic to horrible failure by the Nationals. The allergies did just start on Friday.)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. LaRoche reached the 30 HR plateau on Saturday. I’m impressed he’s able to accomplish a task that requires such consistency, considering his affliction. No, I’m not referring to his ADHD. I’m referring

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: Loss, 1 H, 2 BB, 1 HBP, 1 ER. Mattheus could not find the strike zone. He’d make a good umpire after retirement, not knowing where the strike zone is and all.

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The elderly get no respect from those who are in charge. First it’s politicians trying to cut their health services. Then it’s Bingo hall attendants who won’t give them that Bingo just cause they’re playing with too many cards which is apparently unfair. They want that banana pudding, damn you! And now, it’s umpires. I’m sure when Davey Johnson came out of the dugout to protest that play at first, the umpires simply thought he was confused and lost. But he had a point he needed to make. One that wasn’t about walking to school 15 miles, uphill both ways. And what happened? He was ejected.

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The Morse Invasion: Nats Conquer Milwaukee Like It’s Iberia in 711 A.D.

I don’t know why this random guy in a Brewers jersey thinks anyone is going to pay $21 to ransom him back from Ron Roenicke. (AP Photo/Tom Lynn)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Brewers 10

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, HR, 2 R, 4 RBI, BB, K.

To: themilwaukeebrewers@thelowerhalfofthenlcentral.com

Subject: Re: Morse?

Message: No. No remorse.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1.2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 3 HR. Mattheus entered today’s sausage race as a shit sausage. Man, he was bad.

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There are few things in life more satisfying than turning off a terrible baseball game to do something more enjoyable only to turn it on later to discover that while you were away and inwardly conceding defeat, something ridiculously fantastic happened. One of the more satisfying things is actually watching those ridiculously fantastic things happen.

My personal experience with Sunday’s game was the former, but I’ll take it. When I disgustedly moved on with my afternoon, it was 7-3 Brewers in the 7th. This situation produced in me a similar emotion to that given by my subsequent action, removing some mold-covered cheese from my rot-smelling refrigerator. This refrigerator is basically a mold factory–you can’t leave food in there for more than a few minutes or it’ll start crawling with some ungodly pestilence. Sorta like leaving Ryan Mattheus in this game.

When I checked my phone for the score a considerable amount of time later, I naturally assumed the game would be long over, the Nats having settled for a series split–the most mediocre of outcomes against the most mediocre of teams.  When the score appeared as 11-9 Nats in the top of the 11th, I first paused for a few moments to ensure that my score-checking app hadn’t randomly decided to show me the results of a Nats/Brewers game from 2007 or something. But no. It had actually happened. My wrongly-colored sliced cheese had transformed from smelling like death itself to exuding the sweet scent of whatever the Nationals version of this would be. In the metaphor, at least–in real life the cheese still smelled horrible.

At first I wondered things like “how” and “who” and “why” and “will this dramatically alter the course of the future of the universe?” I’d later find out the answers (4 runs in the 8th, 2 in the 9th, 2 in the 11th/Roger Bernadina, Michael Morse, John Axford, and the eminently hateable Jose Veras/because all previous events in history had somehow contributed to predetermining this outcome in ways that are not comprehensible to humans/no), but those didn’t matter. In the end it was just another improbable win for a Nats team that seems to have no regard for probability, morality, or public nudity laws (I assume).

Let’s hope they win a few more so we can have a naked World Series parade in November.

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This Actually Exists

This video of four members of the Nationals bullpen reading passages from Fifty Shades of Grey is funnier than anything I could possibly say about it. Baseball players need to spend more of their time doing things like this.

It would only be slightly more perfect if it were Clippard and Drew Storen staring longingly at each other. Oh well. I guess they have to save that for a more private setting.

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You Mad(don) Bro? Joe Forced to Respect His Elder as Davey Takes Series, Bengay

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Joe Maddon insensitively and ignorantly calling out Edwin Jackson and the Nationals for covering their entire bodies in pine tar. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Rays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: .1 IP, 1 K. Out of context, this line is probably one of the least impressive for our dames of the game. But in context, this was a key bases loaded strikeout to preserve a small lead in the 7th inning. I feel bad for Mattheus. For far too long he has been plagued by people not looking at him in the proper context. Some call Mattheus a somewhat odd looking man. But when comparing to some (one) of his teammates, he’s like a flower. A tall, oddly shaped flower. Perhaps a sunflower, with some sort of harmless yet obvious genetic mutation in the gene pool.

Shame of the Game:

Joel Peralta: Loss, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 BB. It seems as if Peralta’s career has begun to pine away and deteriorate. Pitching in his second straight game since being called out for using pine tar, Peralta searched for alternatives, but to no avail. He looked to other forms of tar to help him pitch at the same level, since tar was all he knew. Joel flew in members of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team to cheer for him and build up his confidence, but they didn’t work. He insulted a feudal lord to get covered in tar and feathers, but was told it wasn’t Rays ’79 Throwback Night yet (I meant 1379, of course). Lastly he attempted to immerse himself in a tar pit as if to try and gain powers, but ended up being preserved for millions of years in a lifeless state. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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A new rivalry was born in baseball on Tuesday. A rivalry that required much more prune juice for the main participants than any previous rivalry. Over an issue as simple as the materials on a person’s glove, the Rays and Nats developed a quick dislike for one another. And now, with the series completed, it is clear that the Nationals are the better of two teams. Other than the fact they kind of picked on such an easily ignorable and probably unimportant thing, suggesting that they are actually the more petty of the two teams. But I’m ok with being petty, because he’s a talented musician.

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Harmful Rays Burn Nats: Wang Loses Out As Price Is Too Much

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Rick Eckstein’s celebration turns sour as he spots his evil twin across the field (To clarify, David Eckstein kills house pets). (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rays 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 3.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K. Detwiler? I barely know her! Hahaha, but seriously this guy should probably be starting and not Chien-Ming Wang. Why we rely on him to backup Wang when Chien does poorly, well, I’m at a Ross for words. I also apparently have a stereotypically Asian accent.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: Loss, 3.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 1 K. The Nationals-Wang relationship in my eyes has proven to be as unfulfilling as Chien-Ming Wang’s marriage in Wang’s eyes. It’s time we remove Wang from the rotation, and stick solely to vaginas.

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Bryce vs. Price I. Two of the first overall picks from recent MLB Drafts faced off for the first time tonight in a highly anticipated battle. So highly anticipated, that I didn’t know it was happening until earlier today when I read someone’s tweet about it. Who won the battle of these two draft titans? Sadly the Price is right, in that Price is the correct answer to who came out on top. Price got Harper out twice while walking him once, suggesting that all teams should release their 2010 draft picks and stock up on 2007 draft picks, for they will surely be more rewarding. So hurry up and buy high on Andrew Brackman and Matt LaPorta, because while it didn’t work the first time, the law of averages will surely catch up to their careers.

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Lidge DFA’d, Mattheus Back

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First in hurdle crawling, last in our hearts.

Brad Lidge is no more. Lidge has been DFA’d by the Nationals, which I believe stands for “Don’t Fucking Approach,” a strategy Lidge also used when it came to getting near the strikezone while pitching.

The transaction comes on Father’s Day, leaving Lidge to spend the day with his family, although I’m pretty sure they’re considering DFA’ing him as well. His daughter brought him breakfast in bed, which featured an uncooked egg and some used toilet paper to use as a napkin. “A breakfast as fulfilling as your performance,” she screamed as she hugged her father, not in an effort to show affection but rather to try and injure his internal organs so they could be rid of him.

With Lidge’s departure, Ryan Mattheus returns from the DL. Anything is better than Lidge, so I’m looking forward to Mattheus. In part cause he’s a semi-exciting player, but mostly because looking backward to Mattheus would be tough to do.

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Wang Rises Again as Mattheus Hits DL

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Mattheus always dresses for the occasion. To go on the DL, he wore a look of sadness. (Image by misschatter.com)

Ryan Mattheus has been placed on the DL. Chien-Ming Wang has been taken off the DL. The Nationals will not be much different, although I imagine Ryan Mattheus’ marriage will eventually be in jeopardy.

Wang will provide long man insurance out of the pen. Wang is capable of lasting for quite sometime, and will certainly be a valuable piece that pleases both men and women alike, depending on how he’s used. I look forward to Wang filling us up with new life every time he pitches.

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The ‘Kakis a Lie: 11th Inning Homer Portals Orioles Over Nats

“Ha ha, you hit yourself in the face with a bat.” (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.

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The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as  drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.  Continue reading

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