Dear friends, relatives, strangers, Phillies fans, Albert Pujols, and people who only got here by googling Pericles for a high school history paper,
We gather here today to signify the passing into oblivion of a man. Not a great man. Not even really a decent man. Not the worst man, probably, but certainly not that far above the bottom of the man-barrel. You know the man as “Brad Lidge,” but to his closest friends and teammates he was known as…also “Brad Lidge.”
His closest friends and teammates were the only people who didn’t actively walk away when he moved near them.
As I’m sure you are all aware, Brad was designated for assignment by the Nationals on Sunday. Assignment to where? Maybe a prison. Maybe a black hole. Maybe a time machine to the Ice Age. No one cares.
It doesn’t even matter anymore, because Brad Lidge took matters into his own hands. As I’m sure none of you are aware, Brad was a very pious man. He believed deeply that if he could only please the deity Poseidon, he would have success on the baseball field and happiness in his life. But he was never able to find the right offering to give to his master. He tried ugly livestock, his sculpted fecal droppings, plague-ridden rodents, a mug supporting sea-ruiners, and even his own rookie card. Brad never understood why Poseidon hated all his disgusting, offensive and worthless gifts. Continue reading