Tag Archives: sacrificial offerings

A Funeral Oration for Brad Lidge

Dear friends, relatives, strangers, Phillies fans, Albert Pujols, and people who only got here by googling Pericles for a high school history paper,

We gather here today to signify the passing into oblivion of a man. Not a great man. Not even really a decent man. Not the worst man, probably, but certainly not that far above the bottom of the man-barrel. You know the man as “Brad Lidge,” but to his closest friends and teammates he was known as…also “Brad Lidge.”

His closest friends and teammates were the only people who didn’t actively walk away when he moved near them.

As I’m sure you are all aware, Brad was designated for assignment by the Nationals on Sunday. Assignment to where? Maybe a prison. Maybe a black hole. Maybe a time machine to the Ice Age. No one cares.

It doesn’t even matter anymore, because Brad Lidge took matters into his own hands. As I’m sure none of you are aware, Brad was a very pious man. He believed deeply that if he could only please the deity Poseidon, he would have success on the baseball field and happiness in his life. But he was never able to find the right offering to give to his master. He tried ugly livestock, his sculpted fecal droppings, plague-ridden rodents, a mug supporting sea-ruiners, and even his own rookie card. Brad never understood why Poseidon hated all his disgusting, offensive and worthless gifts. Continue reading

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London Lidge is Falling Down: Nats Fall to Yankees in Extras, My Fair Lady

“I love you too, ground,” whispered Moore, as his mouth became increasingly stuffed with dirt. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 5, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 3 IP, BB, 2 K. Craig showed off his Stammena in keeping the Nats alive through many an extra inning. But not even this master of endurance could pitch forever, and his departure brought us a big heaping helping of this guy:

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB, 2 K. Friday, we learned that Brad Lidge is just as bad as we remembered from before he got injured. Saturday, we learned that he is just as bad as we remembered from Friday. Who knows what new knowledge we might gain from his next appearance?

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Everyone knows that Bryce Harper’s favorite baseball team is the Yankees, a fact which is understandably concerning to fans of the team he actually plays for. Thus far this year, Harper’s Nationals have endeared themselves to every other Yankee fan, as they swept the Red Sox and have now lost both games to the Yankees. Harper himself played a major role in both series–he crushed Red Sox pitching, but has foundered against the Yankees, culminating in yesterday’s 0-7, five strikeout and game-ending-groundout master class in sucking. I’m not going to say that Bryce Harper is conspiring to make the Nationals lose to the Yankees. That would be a wild assumption based on tiny sample sizes and an ancient quote. But then again, that kind of thinking doesn’t sell blogpapers.

BRYCE HARPER: DOUBLE AGENT???

Continue reading

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Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

Danny Espinosa was so embarrassed by his poor hitting this year that he decided to replace most of his face with a baseball so no one would recognize him.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 3 BB, 10 K. Gonzalez also had a sacrifice fly and two sacrifice bunts–the most sacrifices he had performed in a day since Brad Lidge once convinced him to help sacrifice every animal on a farm they passed during a roadtrip. Needless to say the farmer was not pleased, and they had to quickly run away from his brandished pitchfork, leaving a trail of massacred livestock in their wake. Good times.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: 3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, BB, K. This Shame of the Game is presented with a caveat: it was actually very nice of Livan to give his old friends so many runs at their reunion, and that’s a practice we’d like to encourage in all former Nationals pitchers.

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Bryce Harper is a man in desperate need of a nickname. “Bam Bam” is okay, but the image it calls to mind is of a stupid person who hits himself in the head with bats, not a fearsome baseball player. I’m sure that many baseball scholars will attempt to christen him with their own terms of endearment, but here is my own humble submission. If you bothered to read the title of the post, you can probably guess what it is:

First appearing in the late Cretaceous period roughly 68 million years ago, the Bryceratops somehow survived the extinction of the dinosaurs but remained in hiding before being drafted by the Nationals in 2010. For some reason it has two mouths.

Continue reading

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Brad Lidge Gets Surgery

This is what happens.

Brad Lidge had shoulder surgery yesterday to repair a sports hernia and will likely be unavailable for about a month. What brought about this injury? Oh, I dunno, maybe the fact that his offering to Poseidon on the day he got injured was an “I ♥ British Petroleum” mug. Sigh.

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Go Jump Off a Lidge: Nats Win Despite Awful Job by Awful Person

Another failed attempt at matchmaking by Rick Ankiel (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Marlins 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 1-4, HR, R, 2 RBI, K, Walk Off Sac Fly. Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng. Fine. Here it is. Just take your reward and never come back. I still hate you, Ian Desmond.

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: 1 IP, 2 ER, HR, 3 BB, BS. I’ll deal with you later, Brad Lidge.

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I had a great headline about how great Stephen Strasburg is all ready to go. With a paint-shop and everything. I was all ready to post it and go take a nap. I looked longingly at my bed. Staring back at me, just peeking out from under my covers, were the pathetic, loathsome eyes of Brad Lidge. The one man standing between me and blissful slumber. “Come on, Brad Lidge. I’m exhausted. Just let me get some of that sweet bed and forget all about worries and cares of my wearisome existence. Pretty please with Davey Johnson’s dandruff on top?”

“No. I’m stealing your bed. And furthermore I’m about to give up a two-run, game-tying home run to Logan Morrison.”

“Fuck you, Brad Lidge.” Continue reading

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Brad Lidge Gives Shitty Pregame Sacrifice, Blows First Save as a National

Brad Lidge, producing today's sacrifice

Brad Lidge woke up this morning and realized he didn’t have any animals at the ready to sacrifice. He was feeling kinda lazy and didn’t want to go to the store or zoo to get one. So he went to the bathroom, fished around in the toilet for some poop that he forgot to flush the night before, and molded it into the shape of a cow. “Oh, I bet Poseidon doesn’t really pay attention to these things. He just sees the shape of an animal and accepts it.”

WRONG. You idiot, Brad Lidge. You ungodly, impious fool. You thought Poseidon would be okay with you sacrificing your own shit before a baseball game? No. Now you made Poseidon make Ryan Zimmerman look bad by having him miss that groundball down the third base line and spoiled Gio Gonzelez’s perfectly beautiful work.

WILL YOU NEVER LEARN YOUR LESSON?

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Brad Lidge’s Mediocre Opening Day Sacrifice Deemed Barely Sufficient by Gods

As we previously discussed, ever since a certain incident involving Albert Pujols, Brad Lidge has been a devout polytheist. Before every game he makes a sacrifice to Poseidon, god of the sea, earthquakes, horses, and the 9th inning. The morning of opening day, Lidge took his portable sacrificial alter, snuck it into the bathroom in the Wrigley Field clubhouse, and unsheathed his ceremonial dagger. The slaughteree: some really old pig with weird spots and a hacking cough that looked like it was about to die anyway.

I wouldn't really want this sacrificed in my name.

That uddered monstrosity was good enough, as Lidge ended up getting the save. Poseidon would clearly like better things from Lidge in the future, though. With one out in the bottom of the ninth, he imbued Ian Stewart with the power to crush a ball to right field, but then took pity on poor Lidge and nudged the wind to push the ball just enough back towards the field for Jayson Werth to horribly misplay it into a triple. Stewart was cut down at home on the next play, and the Sea Lord mercifully granted Lidge a save and the Nats a win.

Try and sacrifice something less horribly ugly next time, Brad. Poseidon might not be so forgiving again.

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