Tag Archives: sadness

Eliminated

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No, this isn’t metaphorical. This is the actual gravesite where we’re going to make Storen dig his own grave.

It’s hard to be funny at a time like this. *Makes farting noises by putting hands over mouth* Did that work? No? I didn’t think it would…

The Nationals were eliminated from the playoffs in a heartbreaking way tonight. I can’t really comprehend what just happened. There’s no real point to me continuing to write this. As I said, it’s tough to be funny, and that’s what we hope to offer you in our posts. Currently, I just can’t offer up anything like that.

Wait.

*Makes fart noises again*

Still nothing?

Didn’t think so…

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NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

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A Phitting End: Nats Climb the Phinal Cliff to Take Season Phinale

Speak softly and carry a big head. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

Final (sniff) Score: Nationals 5, Phillies 1.

Dame of the Game:

Teddy Roosevelt: Win.

Shame of the Game:

Jonathan Papelbon: .2 IP, 2 ER, H, BB, K. It’s almost sad that Papelbon won’t have the chance to blow any saves in the postseason. The happy kind of sadness.

——–

They let Teddy win. I always knew they’d do it eventually when the Nats got good. They had to. The constant failures of Teddy couldn’t go on forever, lest they devolve further into some kind of dark metaphor for the ultimate pointlessness of existence.

But now that the impossible has been made possible, what is left for this franchise to strive for? The dream of Teddy winning was so fantastical, so quixotic, that all other goals now seem almost trivial. Sure, the Nats could win the World Series. But it was always at least theoretically possible that they could win the World Series. Even in the dark, dark days of ’06 – ’09, the odds of those teams winning the Series at the beginning of the season were greater than zero. The odds of Teddy winning did not exist. If you bet on Teddy winning and he won, this would happen. Continue reading

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Only Fit to Clipp Toes: Clippard Is Demoted From Job as Fingernail Clipper After Loss

Senator John McCain wanders around the stadium bothering fans with boring war stories. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Brewers 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 6 K. More like “Deadwin Jackson.” Like he’s dead. After pitching too well.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 4 H. Tyler “The Gipper” Clippard. Like Ronald Reagan. As in, pretty bad.

——–

As TGP and I have returned from our weekend of BACCANALIC DEBAUCHERY, we will now begin the arduous task of parsing through this weekend’s less-than-ideal series against the Brewers. Evidence of said insobriety can be found in the above Dame/Shame descriptions, which were definitely written at some point but it is unclear by who and in what way they thought they were being witty at all.
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The Kemperor’s New Clothes: Clippard Can’t See Dodger Uniforms After Surrendering Home Run

When Zimmerman returned the ball to Lannan, it read, simply, “I wish you were someone else.”

Final Scores: Nationals 3, Dodgers 1; Dodgers 7, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Games: Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. After a number of bad starts recently, Jordan was back to his old tricks. And I don’t mean that trick he used to play on his mother where he would fake his own death. That was mean.

Shame of the Games: John Lannan. 3.2 IP, 6 ER, 8 H, 2 BB, 3 K.. It’s not John Lannan’s fault that he’s such a bad pitcher, really. He, like most people on this earth, is destined to an existence of never truly excelling in his field of choice. Can we really fault him for simply performing at the same level most of us do?

Yes. Hypocrisy’s never stopped me before.

——–

Every time I hear the word “doubleheader,” naturally the first thing I think of is two baseball games in the same day. But the second thing I think of is some kind of creature that has two heads. Any such creature could, of course, be described as a double-header.

Double-headers can be good, bad, or neutral. My feelings about yesterday’s doubleheader between the Nats and the Dodgers can thus be chronicled in terms of pictures of creatures with two heads that I deem either good, bad, or neutral. Makes sense, right?

For instance. Yesterday’s doubleheader was a single admission doubleheader (I picture a double-headed creature who has only ever admitted guilt to a single horrible crime in his life), so my ticket to the nightcap could have gotten me into both games. But due to Other Commitments, I only arrived at Nats Park after the first game had ended. At that point, the doubleheader was going quite well. The Nats had won the first game 3-1. It looked something like this:

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Sit ’em Down John, Sit ’em Down John: Lannan Shuts Mets Out in Return

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I am blessed with fame yet again.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Mets 0.

Dame of the Game:

John Lannan: Win, 5.2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 K, 0 R. Stephen who? In his third start of the year, Lannan pitched excellently to lower his ERA to 2.41. What’s that? Oh yes that’s right, Strasburg. Stephen Strasburg…….god I still miss him.

Shame of the Game:

Jon Rauch: 1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 K. Rauch immediately allowed an important insurance home run to Desmond upon entering. We can all thank him for his first useful contribution to the world since getting that jar down from the top shelf thanks to his height.

———-

I might be the first person in history to say, “that sure was a fun Mets game, I’ll happily go again soon!” After seeing the Nationals play in Queens on Monday, I decided to go back for Wednesday’s game. It was a thrilling experience, one that I will never forget. Unlike Mets fans, who down a pill bottle after each game to try and develop some sort of amnesia to escape the pain. I took the subway out from Manhattan and found it to be packed. Am I in for a raucous crowd tonight? The answer clearly became “no,” as many of them left 2 stops before proving themselves to be commuters. That “no” was further solidified as I walked past the parking lot, no longer being used as spillover for the US Open.

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An empty parking lot. That makes more sense. Also, a thumb.

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Kurt Suzuki Farewell Day is Ruined

The crowd stood and cheered as these two great Nationals walked from the bullpen to the dugout. Clearly, they wanted to savor the last time they were going to see one of them. We couldn’t be sure which one, but it’s safe to assume it was Kurt Suzuki.

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 7

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: It doesn’t matter what his stat line was. All that matters is the love for him in our hearts.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: .2 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, BB, Loss. It does matter what his stat line was, in that its terribleness directly led to the Nats losing the game.

———-

We could tell from the moment we walked into the stadium that there was a special atmosphere in the crowd. They were excited, but it was a bittersweet excitement. Clearly they expected to witness something great, but they wouldn’t get another chance to see it for a long time. Though we were initially unsure of what that greatness could be, upon seeing the Nationals battery emerge from their bullpen warm up, we knew. People were standing, cheering, giving their adulation to the player who had given them so much joy over the course of this season.

We of course are referring to Kurt Suzuki. Truly the most important cog in the Nationals machine. The cog to end all cogs. No other player could have provoked such a response. The implication was clear: the evening’s game would be the last that Kurt Suzuki would play at Nationals Park, and the fans were saying farewell. We took our seats and watched history unfold. Continue reading

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Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too horrible about his start.

——–

Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades. Continue reading

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Splitting Hairs, Scalps, Games: Nats Keep One Head Intact After Braves Doubleheader

The Nationals “forgot” that John Lannan is allergic to gatorade. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Braves 4, Nationals 0; Nationals 5, Braves 2

Dame of the Games:

Roger Bernadina: 5-7, R, RBI. The Shark hasn’t often been spotted of late. He was swimming beneath the surface, biding his time, waiting for some vulnerable, unsuspecting, overly-Brave surfers to happen by so he could rip off their legs. Roger had a feast of legs last night.

Shame of the Games:

Steve Lombardozzi: 0-9, 2 K. If Steve Lombardozzi were a cat and his at-bats yesterday were lives, he’d be dead.

——–

Coming off Friday’s game in which the good morale of the Nationals was wrenched out of their smiles, put in a meat grinder, sat on by a man who just died of obesity, and fed to a pack of rabid wolves, their prospects for Saturday’s doubleheader seemed grim.

They bounced back quickly in game one. By which I mean they bounced from the horrible place they were after Friday backwards to an even worse place. A place where they get shut out by someone who has hardly pitched in the majors in two years. A place where it’s eternally 2006 and all the women look like Sean Burnett in a wig. Let’s not be in that place any more, please.

Unable to cause any pleasure under the Sheets, the Nats found themselves just 1.5 games ahead of Atlanta and in serious risk of surrendering the series lead by the end of the weekend. Their greatest hope of fending off this onslaught and regaining some modicum of momentum was a man who hasn’t been seen in many moons around Nationals Park. An old veteran once beloved by his people because they lacked anyone better to love, now cast aside in the face of younger, stronger, more able men. A bitter man who probably hates the Nationals more than anything else. Continue reading

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This Day in Expos History: July 17, 2003

Tomo Ohka was just a blurry man. People would often decide they needed to go the eye doctor after looking at him.

July 17, 2003: Philadelphia Phillies beat Montreal Expos 5-2 in 11 innings.

This one was a real heartbreaker. The boys from Montreal gave everything they had, but couldn’t walk away with a victory. Poor Tomo Ohka, who poured every fiber of his being into that 6 IP/2 R quality start. Think of Brad Wilkerson, who left it all out there on the field when he threw out Pat Burrell at home plate.  Can you find no pity in your cold, cold, feelings-less heart for Wil Cordero, who scampered home to score the game-tying run in the 6th?

And what of Rocky Biddle? Oh Rocky. The Biddler. You never gave up. You never said die. You never put the I in team. You pitched to those two batters in the 9th and 10th, and god damnit you got them out. You sonofabitch. Of course you did.

But all for naught.

All for naught because Tim Drew gave up a three-run, walk-off home run to Marlon Byrd in the bottom of the 11th, sending the Veterans Stadium crowd to their horrible homes happy and leaving the city of Montreal to wallow in anguish.

How could you, Tim Drew. They trusted you. They believed you cared about that team. They thought you’d lay down your life for them; instead, you just lay down.

For shame.

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