Tag Archives: saliva

… : … (Part 2)

Instead of having CIA-head David Petraeus throw out a ceremonial first pitch, the Nats would have been better off having him call in a non-ceremonial drone strike on Giancarlo Stanton. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Marlins 8, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Sandy Leon: 0-0. Just kidding, it’s no one.

Shame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 0-3. The ohfer is less shameful than the fact that he, as a cleanup hitter, only got up three times. That’s not entirely his fault, but I’m in no mood to accurately assign blame for this game.


There are a couple of things that make this game slightly less miserable than the near-identical game from about a week and a half ago. One, Stephen Strasburg wasn’t pitching this time, so we didn’t have to worry about the fact that his innings were being wasted on an overflowing toilet of a baseball game. Unfortunately, that thing is canceled out by the fact that we now know that Strasburg won’t pitch again this year at all, which casts a pall of misery over pretty much every Nats-related thing that happens. Two, the Nationals only got shut out 8-0 this time instead of 9-0. Unfortunately, that thing is canceled out by the fact that WHO CARES THEY STILL GOT SHUT OUT BY RICKY NOLASCO AGAIN. Continue reading

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Giometry 101: Gio Pitches Circles Around Rockies

Gio Gonzalez’s shadow is a better pitcher than most pitcher’s actual bodies. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Rockies 1

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 3 BB, 6 K. Gio’s ability to pitch effectively in extreme heat is surprising only until you remember that he is constantly giving off energy he channels from the earth’s hot magma core.

Shame of the Game:

Rockies Defense: 4 errors. The Rockies defenders just didn’t seem capable of catching, throwing, or spell-checking the two page papers on Giology they were supposed to hand in. Bad grades all around.


Hello class. Settle down, settle down.

The Giology Professor is out for the day with some kind of conference or terminal illness, they didn’t tell me which. I’ll be your substitute teacher for the day. My name is Mr. Neptooth. Here, let me write that on the board for you like it’s pronounced:

“Mr. Grrapfth-SHUHHNK-sog”

Say “hi, Mr. Neptooth.” No, that’s not right at all. Let’s just move on.

Now I know this is supposed to be a Giology class, but I don’t know much of anything about Giology. I am, however, an expert in Giometry, a related field, so instead I will give you a Giometry lecture.

I assume you are all familiar with Gio Gonzalez? Good, good. Yes, he is the most important area of study in the scientific and mathematics fields. You already know about his role in the the earth, its evolution, and its rocks. I will now tell you how he participates in the world of shapes. Continue reading

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LaRoche Hour: Adam Drives Nats Through Pittsburgh Traffic to Win


Final Score: Nationals 7, Pirates 4

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 3-4, HR, 4 RBI, R, K. Attention Deficit Disorder? More like Out Deficit Disorder AM I RIGHT

Shame of the Game:

Evan Meek: 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Jesus Christ once said “The meek shall inherit the earth.” Jesus was wrong about a lot of things.


In recent games, the Nationals’ offense has developed an odd habit of not sucking. They have scored at least 6 runs in 4 of their last 6 games including tonight’s bat-ruption, something which I will say without doing any historical research has never happened before. That’s probably not true, but assuming it is adds to the excitement of the Nats’ newfound plate-crossing prowess. Tonight’s Pirate-punishing was led by home runs from Adam “The Face that Launched a Thousand Hits” LaRoche, Ian “Also Committed His 7th Error” Desmond, and Xavier “Still OBPing Under .200” Nady, along with a triple from Bryce “Bam Bam No Thank You Ma’am I’m Still Underage” Harper.  Said Davey Johnson, “Yeah, it just occurred to me a few days ago that giving people candy when they made outs to make them feel better was a bad incentive structure. That program has been eliminated.” Continue reading

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