Tag Archives: San Diego Padres

Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:


A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

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Friars, Friars, Douse Nats’ Fire: Padres Split Series, Funds with Ex-Wife


Will Venable realizes that no matter how close to the cycle he gets, nobody wants to high five his strangely stick hands. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Padres 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce Harper fans must be shitting themselves uncontrollably due to excitement or too many laxatives. With his second home run in as many days, Bryce seems on pace to break Bonds’ record in around 5-6 seasons. I think it’s safe to guarantee over 3000 HR for this young man’s career. You can quote me on that. Please however stop quoting me on when I said, “This is Cristian Guzman’s world and we’re all just living in it.” I highly regret that.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 5 K. Strasburg did not have a lucky day. The first batter of the game hit a double to center that dropped between three Nationals fielders. Then rain came out of nowhere making the ball slippery and causing him to miss spots. Then he stepped in dog (Detwiler?) poop. Then he got rejected from his safety schools. Then his Pokemon Gold file was deleted. Then his voice cracked while talking to a girl. And most unlucky of all, he was relieved by Tom Gorzelanny.

Today’s game got off to a bad start. In the first inning, Strasburg was missing his spots, his teammates were missing easy outs, and the Padres were scoring runs, three things that are very strange to see. Before the top of the first could even come to a close, rain come out of nowhere and caused an 8 minute delay. Some would say the rain was just a natural occurrence, but I know that God was weeping for Stephen. It’s hard for anyone to watch such a talented player get beat by a AAAA team. Today’s outburst of rain proves that God is a Nats fan and that…wait…if God likes the Nats, why is Danny Espinosa in the lineup? And why is Sean Burnett pitching in save situations? And why is Tom Gorzelanny? God works in mysterious ways.

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Red Alert: Joey Votto Exists: Nats’ Bats Less than Votto’s as Reds Take Finale


Before today’s game, Adam LaRoche realizes that the cock shots he sent to a fan were a bad idea. (Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images)

Final Score: Reds 9, Nationals 6.

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 2 RBI, 1 BB, 1 K. How sad does Danny winning this make you? This sad? I thought so.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: Loss, Blown save, .2 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 4 ER. Oh, Henry. That wasn’t pretty. Tonight, Joey Votto took advantage and made you look like a fool. At least it wasn’t the most embarrassing instance of Joey for National. The National Broadcasting Company made this mistake with Joey years ago. Will we ever learn?

Nearly 4 hours. That’s how long I had to wait to see the Nationals play a baseball game today. Nearly 8 hours. That’s how long I had to wait to see the Nationals lose a baseball game today. You know what I could’ve done in this time? I could’ve painted a picture. I could’ve eaten lunch. I could’ve…I was going to say more but it took me nearly 8 hours to come up with those first two. I haven’t been this upset about waiting so long to see a Nationals success story only to be disappointed since 2005-2011.

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We Made Them Get The Belt: Padres Beat Young Nats Team


Jason Bartlett has seen things you would never believe.
(AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Final Score: Padres 2, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 6.2 IP, 6 H, 3 BB, 6 K, 0 R. If there’s one thing Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well. If there’s two things Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well and stealing his teammates’ shoes. Thank goodness he was having such a fun time with the first one, the second one just turns out to be very inconvenient when it happens.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: Loss, Blown Save, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 2 ER, 2 K. The Ty-Clip has come undone, as the Nationals looked quite messy. I do not expect that we will get a second interview based on our appearance, despite the impressive resume.

Another day, another Nationals victory. End of post.




We lost? I guess I had just forgotten that was possible, having not done it for a week. Being a first place team really gets to your head… Should I return these Nationals 2012 World Champions banners? Oh, shucks. I guess I should get this championship tattoo removed too, huh? I never ever thought it could end so hilariously horribly. Well, I guess losses just come with playing baseball. Part of the game.

…What do you mean we lost to the Padres?

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Welcome to my Zimmermannsion: Nats Beat Up Padres, Don’t Confess Sins

"Don't miss the antique Zimmermanntelpiece and my pet Zimmermannatee in the pool out back."

Final Score: Nationals 7, Padres 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 6 K, 1-2, RBI, Win. DAMNIT DAVEY JOHNSON. You ruined Jordan Zimmermann’s hobby. He was all ready to pitch 7 innings and give up 1 run again, but you pinch hit for him in the top of the seventh. You’re like a dad whose son only wants MLB Showdown cards for his birthday but instead you get him Bratz Fashion Party Fever cards. What a bad father.

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 K, Save. He did fine, he just looked shamefully ugly while doing it.


The Nationals won again tonight. They are now 14-4, also known as 10 games over .500. 10 games over .500! I never thought I’d live to see the day. Yet here I am, even very close to death as far as I can tell. I’m actually very upset about it, because I made a number of promises to people of things that I’d only do once the Nationals were 10 games over .500. For instance, I once told my told my dentist that I’d brush my teeth when the Nats were 10 games over .500. It’s a shame really, they were getting such a lovely hue of yellowish swampgreen. I also told a Scientologist on a street corner that I’d join his church when the Nats were 10 games over .500…guess it’s time to dust off my copy of Battlefield: Earth and start standing tall. And I think I told a homeless man that I’d give him all my material possessions and give myself to Antonin Scalia as a sex slave if the Nats…wait. Why did I do that? Fuck. I probably should have gone with flying pigs or frozen hells or something. Continue reading

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Nats Sterilize Whale’s Vagina: San Diego Fails to Produce in Washington Win


Bud Black shows umpire Lance Barrett how much he loves him.
(Photo by Denis Poroy/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Padres 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 0 R, 6 K. It’s clear that Gio Gonzalez has tenure. Because if I saw a professor of giology whose students kept getting such low scores, I’d think he’d be on his way out. I’m not complaining though, let’s just enjoy it. I wouldn’t be surprised though if MLB fell behind the China Baseball League sometime soon.

Shame of the Game:

Ernesto Frieri: .2 IP, 2 K, 1 R. Nobody really did bad today. But Ernesto disappointed me. While his name isn’t identical, when he was announced I misheard and thought we would be treated to a spiky blonde-haired food enthusiast. Instead we got a San Diego Padre. I could not think of anything more disappointing.

Is that…all the way out here? No, it can’t be. It must be a mirage. I haven’t seen one for days… Wait…it is…IT IS! A NATIONALS BASEBALL GAME! Oh thank god, I’m saved! After a rainout and an off day that forced Nationals’ fans to wander aimlessly searching for salvation for nearly 3 days, Washington baseball finally returned Tuesday night. I’m glad I’m finally saved, those vultures that had been flying above my house were starting to look really scary. At least I could share my pain, stranded in this strange baseball-less land, with my good friend Wilson.


He helps keep me sane.

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