Tag Archives: San Francisco Giants

A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return.  Continue reading

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San Francisco Giants Win the World Series

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In the spirit of Halloween, they showed a scary movie on the big screen which really frightened Romo. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions. For the second time in three years, the Giants sit atop baseball as the guys who got hot/lucky for a few days at the right time best team.

In all seriousness, the Giants were one of the more deserving teams in these playoffs. No, not for their regular season success, but for what they did to those putrid people from St. Louis in the NLCS. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Giants before the NLCS, but afterwards I became their biggest fan. Nationals fans should be very thankful for them putting the Cardinals in their place. It’s like Washington allying with Stalin to take care of the Nazis. Sure it wasn’t the way we would’ve liked to have things happen in an optimal situation, but when we realized Stalin’s power in the face of initial adversity, we realized he was a great option to get behind.

Pablo Sandoval was named World Series MVP. I’m sure a lot of people will make jokes such as “Most Valuable Panda,” or “Most Valuable Ponch,” but lets not make silly jokes like that. Instead lets sit back and look at the impressive performance that the beanbag chair that plays third base for the Giants put on. Wait, that’s a guy? Oh, he just looked so poofy and comfortable to sit on.

Now baseball is done, and transactions will begin in the coming days. We can only hope Mike Rizzo makes some smart decisions that help the team be successful when it counts. We all know he came through with some of those this past Fall.

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This Day in Expos History: August 24, 2002

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While foes on the field, this game’s two starters often hang out off the diamond.

August 24, 2002: Montreal Expos beat San Francisco Giants 7-2.

This game was perhaps the biggest game in baseball history. No, the stakes weren’t high. Simply the cholesterol levels of the two starting pitchers. In an event that surely flattened the mound after innings of downward pressure, Bartolo Colon of the Expos faced off against Livan Hernandez of the Giants. It is fitting that Livan was a Giant. And also fitting that Bartolo was an Expo, because boy, he was a sight for all to see, in that it was hard to see around his fat.

Colon came out on top of Livan (certainly crushing his lungs), getting his 7th win of the season. Jim Brower helped relieve Colon, which took a while to complete because of how much Bartolo consumed in the pregame meal. Scott Stewart got his 17th save of the season, cleaning up at the end of the game for the Expos. This too took a while to complete because of…well you get where I’m going.

I’m going to a very gross place.

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I Left My Steroids in San Francisco: Nats Are Going Home To City Not By a Bay With a Win

Time Lincecum would have had to hold his glove up a little higher to effectively hide the fact that he was sleeping. Also, he would have had to not be the starting pitcher of an ongoing baseball game.  (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 4

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI, R, 2 K. Once upon a time, Danny Epinosa was having a horrible season. Now he’s having a league average season. And he lived average-happiness-level-ly ever after.

Shame of the Game:

Melky Cabrera. While he was not technically in this game, this is retroactive to all previous games he played against the Nats when he was cheating. No one cheats against the Nats and gets away with it. No one except the people who haven’t gotten caught, that is.

——–

It shouldn’t come as that big of a surprise that so many Giants take steroids. Barry Bonds, Guillermo Mota (#s 2 and 1 in historical importance to the franchise, respectively) and now Melky Cabrera. It’s been right under our noses this whole time. Right there in the name, in fact. What is a giant if not a man using a ton of steroids? How do you think all the famous giants of myth and legend got so big?

Did Atlas just wake up one day and realize he could lift the entire planet? No, he obviously pumped himself full of man-power-juice, then did some crazy workouts Paul Ryan-style, then grabbed the earth and put it on his shoulders. How did Polyphemus become enormous and mutate himself into only having one eye? A strict diet of pure testosterone, raw vegetables, and raw sheep. Duh. And the Big Friendly Giant? Not so friendly when the roid rage hits.

Which is all by way of saying that of course the Giants are on steroids. Melky was caught, but I have little doubt that the rest of them have some kind of unnatural substances swimming around their veins. Or else they would have changed their team name already. Continue reading

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What Was in That Melk?

“Have you ever taken any performance enhancing drugs, Melky?”
“Thank you.”

The Melkman has delivered a 50 game suspension to himself.

Melky Cabrera has been suspended for 50 games, effective immediately, for testing positive for testosterone. Probably his best defense at this point is that he has elevated levels of testosterone because he has sex with so many many porn stars. If that’s not the explanation and he is actually guilty, you might wonder how someone could be so stupid as to take steroids given Major League Baseball’s seemingly effective drug testing program. The answer is probably just that some people are very stupid and Melky Cabrera is one of them.

The “effective immediately” clause means he won’t be playing against the Nats this afternoon, which is clearly good news as he’s hit pretty well against Washington this season. It’s less good news for the Giants, who don’t have that many other good hitters and will have to cope with knowing that one of their best offensive performers was cheating the whole time. That will be truly difficult for the city of San Francisco overcome, as they have never had to deal with something like this befo-

Oh, wait, never mind. I think they’ll be fine.

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The Bum Garners a Win: Nats Get Bad Reception at AT&T

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Davey Johnson, as he is being shown on the kiss cam, realizing all those he would want to kiss are long dead. (Photo by Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Giants 6, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Gonzalez: .1 IP. You were brief, harmless, and barely worth remembering. Just like my first time. And my second time. And my third time. And my fourth time. And…

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: .1 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. The Nats have a new marketing campaign inspired by Mountain Dew, where fans are encouraged to “Do the Drew.” This involves ruining the night of the people who count on you any way you’re able.

———-

I’ve never liked the 8th inning. It doesn’t have the same level of excitement that the 9th has, but still serves as a reminder that the game is almost over and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your children, who smell really bad frankly. You would think a 2-year-old would take some time to clean themselves up and change that diaper. Tuesday’s 8th inning furthered my hatred of this inning in general. An inning that really only serves as a source of desperate pornographic material for when the internet is down. I mean if you try really hard, the 8 looks like boobs. Chances are though that it won’t be hard at all.

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Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

———-

The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

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Lince-came, Lince-Saw, Lince-Was-Conquered: Nats Reign Through Rain

Angel Pagan sees a real giant behind the center field wall, and doesn’t react very bravely. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 3

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 2 2B, R, RBI, K. This may not have been the best performance of the night, but it was certainly the most All-Star performance of the night. Tell the world you agree.

Shame of the Game:

Tim Lincecum: 3.1 IP, 8 R, 7 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Time Lincecum is having a very bad year. The kind of year that makes you wish “I wish I could have that year back.” But he can’t, and he only has a finite number of years to live before he dies, and this is one of them. That’s certainly a shame for him.

——

I know, I know. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else while Bryce Harper is still in contention for the NL All-Star Final Vote. I, too, expected the world to come to a complete standstill until this matter is correctly resolved. But, apparently, gravity doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation, so the world’s still spinning. And because “schedules need to be adhered to,” the Nationals still played the Giants Tuesday night.

Fortunately, the Nationals overcame their certain preoccupation with Harper 2012 to do a little Giant-slaying. A giant’s weapon of choice is usually a large club, but it was the Nats that did the large clubbing in this game. Incidentally, after the game, Tom Gorzelanny did a little “large clubbing” of his own, which is what he calls it when he goes out to clubs specifically for designed for fat women. Sadly (for him) and happily (for the overweight women), he was no more successful in his seductive efforts than usual. Continue reading

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Braves’ New World: Hudson Explores Well-Charted Route Down Plate Before Being Sunk

Mike Morse had never realized there was a plate below him to measure the strikezone until today. (AP Photo/David Tulis)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 4 RBI. Zim, Zim, he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can! I am of course referring to Don Zimmer in this case. As for what he’s doing so successfully, I’m obviously talking about being a cuddly play thing that will certainly not give you nightmares.

Shame of the Game:

Tim Hudson: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 2 BB, 5 ER, 4 K. On a hot day like today, some pitchers would have trouble gripping the ball due to watery perspiration. However this should be no excuse for Hudson’s poor performance. I mean it’s a river, I figured it would be used to water.

———-

On a day that all-stars were announced, it is clear that Strasburg, Gonzalez and Desmond not only earned the right to play in the game, but also took on the properties of a star. Something on that field made it unbearably hot, and I can only assume it was Ian Desmond in his Red Giant phase. But the Nats and Braves played on despite water dripping down their faces, the sun turning their skin red, and Davey Johnson rocking a bikini which he claimed help cool him off. Don’t believe me? Well I would say take a look at this actual, not faked photo…but I don’t want to scar all of you forever.

Eh, whatever:

Oh…

I’m so sorry.

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This Day in Expos History: May 24, 2000

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Mike Thurman looking off into the distance to see if he can find a good picture of him on Google that isn’t an autographed baseball card, cause I couldn’t.

Welcome to a new feature here on the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, This Day in Expos History. While the Nationals are relatively far removed from their time in Montreal, I feel it’s important to acknowledge the exciting events that helped build this franchise into the one we know today. In this feature, we will look back at notable games and events from the Expos’ existence. With that, here is the first installment.

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