Tag Archives: Santa

NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia


“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

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Nationals Recall Corey Brown


It’s time to play, so no more taking vacations for Brown. Which is good for his family, they don’t have to take more of these weird vacation photos he demands.

Corey Brown is back! Nearly. The Nationals plan to have Brown on the roster for tomorrow’s game. So it’s really the eve of Brown’s return. Almost as exciting a time as Christmas Eve. Just like Santa, Corey will sneak in during the night tonight, although if you see him coming down your chimney call the police. He’s probably going to rob you since league minimum doesn’t pay all the bills.

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Strasburg To Miss 2-3 Starts/Postseason


He will also miss that piece of gum he mistakingly spit out on the ground, as seen above.

According to Nationals reporter Bill Ladson, Strasburg is expected to miss 2-3 regular season starts, and will not participate in the postseason, in an effort to limit his workload. He has also tweeted that Santa Claus isn’t real, and that dad didn’t really love you because you were never good at sports, just to make sure everyone was as miserable as possible.

While the limited starts in the regular season isn’t such a worry, Strasburg missing the postseason could be troublesome. Gio, Edwin, Jordan, and Det are a group of four that rivals any other rotation out there. But Strasburg is our secret weapon, a weapon of mass destrucbgoroubgubge;bwg

Sorry, when I was typing that a bunch of soldiers kicked down my door and questioned me as to where the WMD was. They left 8 years later.

I just hope the Nationals know what they’re doing with this limited workload. If we’re not going to use Stras in a pitching role during the playoffs, I hope we can use him another way. Like as a clean up hitter. And a leadoff hitter. And every other hitter, since his OPS is higher than every starter.

Or maybe we can just use him as an extra cashier at Ben’s Chili Bowl. The lines there are always pretty long, it’d be nice to speed things up.

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Nats’ Bats Cole-d: Awful Pun is Only Thing to Smile About After Loss


Shane Victorino desperately tries to avoid touching second base. I guess he just wasn’t in the mood. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Adam LaRoche produced the only runs today. One was the home run, the other was that brown stain running down Papelbon’s backside after being embarrassed.

Shame of the Game:

Cole Hamels: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 8 K. In the past we’ve given this award to people who have done so bad on the opposing team that they gave the Nationals a win. When you think about it, we should be praising those people, and shaming people like Cole Hamels who kept the Nationals from winning today. We should also be leaving flaming bags of poop on his doorstep, mocking his sexual orientation because of his long hair, and spoiling the surprise that Santa doesn’t exist. That’ll show him.

Hey guys, just got back to write this post and I see that my brother filled in the shame of the game already. Let’s see what he said. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ha, yeah, I…what? no. no no no. NOOOOOOOOOO. SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!


For the second straight Nationals-Phillies series, the Phillies won the finale after losing the first two games. In both of these games, Hamels has pitched 8 innings in a winning effort. It’s become perfectly clear that the Nationals can handle the Phillies except when Cole Hamels is pitching. We need to formulate a better strategy against him. We need to look at tape, study his pitches, and really come to a conclusion on the best way to beat him. I have done just this and might I recommend what I think would be the best strategy for taking on Cole Hamels. Break his legs so we don’t have to play him. I know that players aren’t as willing to resort to violence as they once were. But scary physical experiences have been a part of this game forever. Grabbing and throwing old men. Kicking people in the face. Jose Offerman doing anything. Breaking Cole Hamels’ legs would fit right in! It’s just vintage baseball.

It was a strange day in the life of Jesus Flores. Being one for performing miracles, Jesus tripled. I thought to myself, wow! A catcher getting a triple? If we can have that kind of speedy production out of the catcher spot then maybe losing Ramos won’t be so bad. Then Flores tried stealing a base and failed, reminding me that catchers can’t do things like that. Yet it was still nice to see that miraculous triple. Jesus always reminds us why we believe in and follow him. All 13,500 of us.

The Nats have an off day and then open up a series in Atlanta on friday night. It’ll be a battle between the top two teams in the division, although I expect Washington to come out and beat the Braves. Although we really should’ve saved Jackson for this series. Abusing them is kind of his bread and butter.

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Leake-y Reds Make Mess: Nats Win Game, Support of McCarthyists

Since I am on my phone, I can’t get a picture off the internet. This is my representation of the game.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Reds 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-5, 1 R, 3 RBI, 1 HR, 1 SB, 1 K. This is the type of shark attack I like to see. No death, no mangled limbs, and the only reason people will feel like they’re losing so much blood is because it’ll be rushing from their heads to their erections that come about due to how well Shark is doing.

Shame of the Game:

Mike Leake: Loss, 3 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. While some teams hire personal translators, the Reds have put out feelers for a personal plumber to prevent anymore Leake-ing. He really just causes a great big mess.

Last night’s game marked the second straight Gio start that the Nats’ bats have come alive and scored 7 runs. I really am starting to believe that Gio-thermal energy is the best form of energy, just look at how poorly other energy means have worked in powering this team to victory. When Davey Johnson stuck nuclear rods of plutonium into each players back pocket, did it work? No, Tom Gorzelanny just became even more mutated (hard to tell though). When Mike Rizzo put coal in everyone’s locker did they excel and win? No, they all broke down in tears thinking Santa wasn’t coming. The Nats need Gio-thermal energy.

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Darwin Barney, realizing that now is his chance to grab Ian Desmond's butt.
(AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Cubs 1.

W – Tyler Clippard (1-0), L – Carlos Marmol (0-1), S – Brad Lidge (1)

Notable Performances:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 5 K, 1 ER, ND.

Ian Desmond: 3-5, 1 R, 1 RBI, 1 SB, GW Hit.

Shame of the Game:

Kerry Wood: .1 IP, 3 BB, allowed inherited tying run to score.

Check out the live blog from earlier today!

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