Tag Archives: senility

House of Cards: Nationals Park Occupied by Unwelcome Residents

My soul, ca. April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

My soul, circa April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

Game 1: 

Cardinals 3, Nationals 2

Game 2:

Cardinals 2, Nationals 0

Game 3: 

Cardinals 4, Nationals 2

Game 5:

Cardinals 10, Nationals 8

They say revenge is a dish best served never. By “they,” I’m talking about Davey Johnson in what I presume was his pre-series speech. Davey has lived a long time, so you can’t expect him to keep all his axioms straight, but you’d think he could at least remember the basic gist of them. In this case, his disintegrating memory combined with the Nationals’ extreme gullibility resulted in dire consequences.

In their first chance to take their rightful vengeance on the St. Louis Cardinals after the game that must not be named, the Nationals instead just served them a plate with a delicious sweepcake. And now, for the first time in recent memory, the Nationals have a losing record. And I’m not just referring to the White Album record that Davey Johnson misplaces so frequently that he refers to it as his “losing record.” The Nationals are actually 10-11.
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A Minor Catastrophe: Nats Get Swept by Braves

The game is so depressing that Ian Desmond tries to strangle himself. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game: 

Chad Durbin: 1 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 1 K. Just in case this is the last time I get to say it this year…Dur.

*sniffle*

Bin.

Shame of the Game: 

Mark DeRosa: 0-1. What is he still doing here? Did we just forget he was on the team because he’s so boring? Who was supposed to get this at-bat? Are we sure they’re still alive?

——–

Baaaaa-ba-da-ba-BA-BAAAA

Jon Miller: Welcome to Sunday Night Baseball. I’m Jon Miller, and this is my partner Joe-

Joe Morgan: Joe Mogrom.

Miller: Morgan.

Morgan: Mortgage.

Morgan: Joe Morgan.

Miller: Tonight, divisional rivals Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves battle it out in a potential playoff preview. These are two great teams–what do you think is the key to the game, Joe?

Morgan: Well, Gio Gonzalez has a chance to get his 20th win tonight. That would really put him strongly in Cy Young contention. And if he does that, I think the Nationals might have a real shot in the playoffs with a 20 game winner on their staff.

Miller: Great point, Joe. Alright, let’s get to the starting lineups. Leading off for the Nationals, Carlos BelTRAN.

Morgan: That’s not Carlos Beltan, that’s Jayson Werth.

Miller: What? Oh, yeah. Batting second… Continue reading

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The Moore-al of the Story: Home Runs Help Get Wins

Bryce Harper practices his right-handed golf swing. I think his hands are mixed up, though. (Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 3

Dame of the Game: 

Tyler Moore: 1-1, HR, 2 RBI, R. [Bonus Moore pun] Every time Moore does something good from now on, I’m going to describe it as a “Moore-ality play.” Ideally the Nats would do the same and have him battle the seven deadly sins as he rounds the bases before being greeted happily by the Virtues as he reaches home.

Shame of the Game:

Frank Francisco: 0 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, BB. San Francisco’s younger brother just never could measure up. The elder sibling became a great American city, while the younger became a bad pitcher for a bad team.

——–

Davey Johnson said after last night’s game that it’s “time to be looking at magic numbers.” Now, in any other context, that would be taken as the mad ramblings of a senile old man or the drugged musings of an LSD user (or in the case of Davey Johnson, probably both). I mean, “magic numbers”? Numbers tend not to have any magical properties, for two reasons: 1) they are really just abstract concepts and thus cannot have physical properties at all that could be magical, and 2) no things actually have magical properties because magic doesn’t exist. Furthermore, the idea that one could “look at” “magic numbers–things that are not viewable and couldn’t exist even if they were–seems preposterous. Continue reading

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Chad Tracy Signs One-Year Extension

Image

To celebrate, Jayson Werth attempted to gore Chad.

Chad Tracy has signed an extension. This upsets the owners of the home with said extension, who didn’t want an autograph and were wondering why he was in their back yard in the first place.

Johnson made the announcement before Friday’s game. Many reporters just grouped it with the many other senile statements that Davey regularly makes, such as “I once was a yodeler,” and, “My feet are urchins.” Luckily, Mike Rizzo burst in to the room in time to tell reporters that the signing was indeed true.

Tracy has been a valuable bat off the bench for the Nationals, with an .870 OPS through 68 PA this season. I’m sure the media and fans will pressure him to reproduce these numbers next season considering the surely monstrous deal he signed (no terms were announced). Let’s hope Chad Tracy can deal with the pressure, and come out shining like a diamond, on the diamond, with a diamond. What I’m saying is, I’m proposing to Chad Tracy with this lovely engagement ring I have. I’m sure he’ll accept.

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