Tag Archives: sex acts

Happy 69 Wins!

The Nationals are about to win their 70th game of the season, which is a very bittersweet moment for us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. On the one hand, it’s nice to see them get so many wins so early. On the other hand, a part of me wishes they could stay at 69 wins forever.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on those Nationals teams that never made it to 69. The 2008 and 2009 Nationals, we salute you. You endured great tragedy and immense deprivation. As for the 2010 Nats, who finished a 69-83, well, you got an entire offseason of sitting on 69. Bet that felt good. That’s really when this team got turned around.

Now, before Craig Stammen gets these last three outs, celebrate 69 wins however you feel is most appropriate.

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Ménage à Trois

…I couldn’t see the tops of their heads, and I had to put the caps somewhere.

Before the Mets lost to the Cardinals this afternoon, it was a three way tie atop the NL East. That close in the standings, some peoples’ tongues are just bound to run into each other.

The standings were also the exact opposite of the NL East standings from 2010. Speaking of things that are better when they’re the opposite, Chien-Ming Wang’s name backwards is Gnaw Gnim-Neihc.

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Pick Awful: Jackson’s Bad Bait Lets Marlins Swim to Victory

Bryce Harper taunted Marlins fans by striking a Captain Morgan pose and holding it for a full half inning. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Final Score: Marlins 3, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jhonatan Solano: 1-1, 2B. Solano doubled in his first major league at-bat. It is now too late for him to correct the spelling of his first name before officially entering the baseball record books, which is sad for him and the people who read baseball’s record books. So I guess the total negative impact of this event on the happiness of humanity will actually be pretty minimal.

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 3B, 2K. Harper chose his timing as poorly as he chooses his hairstyles, as he crushed a triple with no one on and two outs before striking out pathetically with the bases loaded and one out his next at bat.

——-

There’s nothing quite so frustrating as failing catastrophically at something you didn’t even have to do. Did you work overtime to start a new project at work that lead your company to bankruptcy? Did you give a compltetely healthy man brain surgery and accidentally kill him? Did you run a nuclear bomb safety drill so real that you actually set off a nuclear bomb, wiping out an entire city? Then perhaps you have some empathy for Edwin Jackson, whose superfluous pickoff attempt in the 7th inning resulted in a two base error and the eventual winning run for the Marlins, spoiling his otherwise great start. I can empathize with him because one time in little league I tried to pick someone off third but ended up throwing the ball past the third baseman and into a gutter. Years later I am only now beginning to recover from the emotional trauma. Edwin, if you ever need anyone to talk to about this, I’m here for you.

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Ten Baseball Phrases That Could Also Be Sex Acts

In order of least to most deviant:

10: Hold

9: Back-to-back

8: Caught looking

7: In the hole

6: Riding the pine

5: Backdoor slider

4: Touch ’em all

3: Stick a fork in him

2: Hang ’em and bang ’em Continue reading

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