Tag Archives: Sharkadina

Rejected Roger Bernadina Sign

Every man and woman eventually reaches a point where they have to draw a line, and say “that’s too racist to take out in public.” For us, it might take further to reach that line than most people. But the picture above is an example of something that sadly lies beyond that line.

A higher quality of the truly horrifying Great Black Shark image we did end up proudly displaying at Nats Park is below. Continue reading

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Johan-nes Bombs: Santana Composes Very Flat Work

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Morse just loves the smell of his finger. …I don’t want to know where it’s been. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Mets 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI. The horse had just one hit. But does this mean he had a bad performance? Neigh!

Shame of the Game:

Johan Santana: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 6 ER, 4 K. Yo Han, maybe focus a bit more on quality pitching and a bit less on smuggling goods throughout space. Although it is very important for baseball players to learn a profession to use for after retirement. Scratch what I just said.

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Mike Morse and Johan Santana have taken two different paths back from injury; Morse has taken the path of success, while Johan has taken the path of playing for the Mets. His supporting cast aside, Johan has done poorly on his own, notably going 0-5 with a 15.63 ERA in his last five starts. When asked what was causing these problems, Johan just kept claiming that he thought it was Opposite Day. This wouldn’t usually work, but considering that most people running things in baseball have the mental capacity of a five year old, everyone seemed fine with letting Johan continue to pitch.

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A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

——–

14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream. Continue reading

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Eighth Wonder of the World: Nats’ Eight Game Winning Streak Rivals Pyramids, Colossus

I know Jayson Werth is extremely huggable, Stephen, but there’s a time and a place. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Diamondbacks 5

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, R, RBI, BB. Werth has been pretty good since coming back from the disabled list. So good it makes me want to give him $126 million. Well, not actually.

Shame of the Game:

Wade Miley: 4.1 IP, 6 R, 4 ER, 9 H, BB, 2 K. Miley’s not smiley.

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Last year, it was a big deal when the Nats won eight games in a row. Now, it’s a bit…passé. Seems to happen every couple weeks. Especially playing eight games against teams that would probably lose eight straight games against any team that hadn’t already given up on the season and was using their at-bats to practice their golf swings.

Sapping more of the excitement out of this streak is the fact that the Braves have also won most of their last eight games, presumably just to annoy us. The Braves just keep sticking around at about four games back, like a remora fish on our Sharkadina-led juggernaut. As long as this relationship stays commensal, I won’t complain too much. But don’t you DARE start being parasites, Atlanta. We will FUCK YOU UP. Continue reading

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Great Black Shark: Bernadina Makes Deadliest Catch to Save Game

I’ll leave the image of razor-sharp teeth slicing through Astro flesh like a flaming knife through already-melted butter to your imagination. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Astros 2

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 0-2, R, 2 BB, K, Game Saving Catch. Danny Espinosa had this thing locked up. All three RBIs, including a home run and a presumably game winning hit. But then, well, you know.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-5, 4 K. They call this a “golden sombrero,” but that seems racist to me. Why is it especially bad just because it’s Mexican? Why not call it a “Shimmering Chapeau” or a “Towering Top Hat”?

You might think it’s hypocritical of me to accuse something of being racist given the title of this post, but a) it’s too perfect, and b) actually that’s the only excuse I need.

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Let’s just skip to the end on this one, shall we. Sure, there were 11 and 5/6 innings of occasionally tense and mostly pretty boring baseball beforehand. Sure, Ross Detwiler and Danny Espinosa did “well.” Who cares. Aside from all the Ross Detwiler and Danny Espinosa stalkers out there, of course, of which I’m sure there are hundreds. For normal people, though, only one thing happened in this game worth caring about.

Baseball plays usually happen pretty fast. The buildup to plays tends to be very slow–lots of people staring at each other, people slapping and poking themselves, people waggling things, hopping up and down, shaking their heads furiously, chewing on something disgusting, adjusting their penises to the optimal Baseball Ready Penis Position. It’s all very dramatic and/or ridiculous, depending on your perspective. But usually after a pitch is thrown, you pretty much know the outcome right away. Thus, a viewer’s experience of a baseball play often has just two emotional states: Before and After.

The last play of yesterday’s game was an exception to this rule. For me, the 2-2 pitch from Tyler Clippard to Brett Wallace took me through a full five-step emotional journey. Here are those steps: Continue reading

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Splitting Hairs, Scalps, Games: Nats Keep One Head Intact After Braves Doubleheader

The Nationals “forgot” that John Lannan is allergic to gatorade. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Braves 4, Nationals 0; Nationals 5, Braves 2

Dame of the Games:

Roger Bernadina: 5-7, R, RBI. The Shark hasn’t often been spotted of late. He was swimming beneath the surface, biding his time, waiting for some vulnerable, unsuspecting, overly-Brave surfers to happen by so he could rip off their legs. Roger had a feast of legs last night.

Shame of the Games:

Steve Lombardozzi: 0-9, 2 K. If Steve Lombardozzi were a cat and his at-bats yesterday were lives, he’d be dead.

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Coming off Friday’s game in which the good morale of the Nationals was wrenched out of their smiles, put in a meat grinder, sat on by a man who just died of obesity, and fed to a pack of rabid wolves, their prospects for Saturday’s doubleheader seemed grim.

They bounced back quickly in game one. By which I mean they bounced from the horrible place they were after Friday backwards to an even worse place. A place where they get shut out by someone who has hardly pitched in the majors in two years. A place where it’s eternally 2006 and all the women look like Sean Burnett in a wig. Let’s not be in that place any more, please.

Unable to cause any pleasure under the Sheets, the Nats found themselves just 1.5 games ahead of Atlanta and in serious risk of surrendering the series lead by the end of the weekend. Their greatest hope of fending off this onslaught and regaining some modicum of momentum was a man who hasn’t been seen in many moons around Nationals Park. An old veteran once beloved by his people because they lacked anyone better to love, now cast aside in the face of younger, stronger, more able men. A bitter man who probably hates the Nationals more than anything else. Continue reading

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Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

Danny Espinosa was so embarrassed by his poor hitting this year that he decided to replace most of his face with a baseball so no one would recognize him.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 3 BB, 10 K. Gonzalez also had a sacrifice fly and two sacrifice bunts–the most sacrifices he had performed in a day since Brad Lidge once convinced him to help sacrifice every animal on a farm they passed during a roadtrip. Needless to say the farmer was not pleased, and they had to quickly run away from his brandished pitchfork, leaving a trail of massacred livestock in their wake. Good times.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: 3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, BB, K. This Shame of the Game is presented with a caveat: it was actually very nice of Livan to give his old friends so many runs at their reunion, and that’s a practice we’d like to encourage in all former Nationals pitchers.

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Bryce Harper is a man in desperate need of a nickname. “Bam Bam” is okay, but the image it calls to mind is of a stupid person who hits himself in the head with bats, not a fearsome baseball player. I’m sure that many baseball scholars will attempt to christen him with their own terms of endearment, but here is my own humble submission. If you bothered to read the title of the post, you can probably guess what it is:

First appearing in the late Cretaceous period roughly 68 million years ago, the Bryceratops somehow survived the extinction of the dinosaurs but remained in hiding before being drafted by the Nationals in 2010. For some reason it has two mouths.

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“The Shark” Makes it Big, What Will Be Next?

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Roger Bernadina murdering Andrew McCutchen.
(Credit: Sharkadina)

Despite our efforts to suggest a more fearsome nickname for Roger Bernadina, it seems as if “The Shark” has stuck. Even longtime hater Bill Ladson finally admitted that Bernadina’s nickname was “The Shark.” During last night’s game, “Shark” chants filled the stadium. It was arguably the most joyous occasion where hundreds of people were screaming “Shark.” Depends if you like seeing fellow beach-goers being mauled.

This got us thinking. If a couple of other fans nicknamed Bernadina, why couldn’t this blog succeed in doing the same for other Nationals. Below, may I recommend some nicknames for all those in Natstown to consider. Additionally I recommend a certain item to wear for each nickname, much like Sharkadina fans wearing shark heads.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Roger Bernadina

Roger Bernadina needs a deadlier nickname.

Roger Bernadina, through the efforts of some enterprising and right-thinking Nats fans, has earned the nickname “the Shark” or “Sharkadina” for his abilities at tracking down baseballs in the outfield and subsequently tearing them to shreds with his teeth. Sadly, however, Bernadina has yet to put together the breakout offensive season that many Nats fans have hoped for. The problem may be that while sharks seem dangerous, fatalities due to shark attacks are actually extremely rare. In fact, there is only an average of about one shark-related death in the U.S. per year.

In order to inspire Roger to greater fearsomeness and offensive productivity, it may be time to give him a nickname that’s really dangerous. There are many things that kill more people than sharks which Roger could be nicknamed after. Here are some possible nicknames, along with home run calls that could accompany them: Continue reading

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