Tag Archives: slavery

Honest Abe: Shinnosuke Hits Two Homers, Doesn’t Lie About It

Shinnosuke Abe, depicted in the tradition Japanese style of “extremely weird.”

Final Score: Japan 10, Netherlands 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japan’s revocation of exclusive trading rights with the Dutch in 1858


Once upon a time, there was a period of several centuries when the only white people in the world that Japan was okay with were Dutch people. Japan kicked out all other Western suitors for their trade, but the Dutch East India Company was invited in and told to make themselves comfortable. They certainly did, enjoying exclusive Japanese hospitality for about two and a half centuries.

But Japan eventually got bored with its trade monogamy, and fell victim to the seductive wiles of voluptuous young Americans like Commodore Matthew Perry. The Convention of Kanagawa affirmed Japan’s infidelity, leaving the Dutch well and truly cuckolded. The divorce didn’t go well for the Netherlands, as Japan ended up taking all their stuff and enslaving them.

Now, Japan is just being a dick to their ex for the fun of it. They’ve beaten the Dutch twice in this WBC, by a combined score of 26-10. Why must Japan be so cruel? The Dutch were a perfectly good partner in the 17th-19th centuries. They don’t deserve this.

I can only hope that if Japan ends up playing the Netherlands in the finals, they will show some mercy out of remembrance for the love the two nations once shared.

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Amster-Damming Loss: Dutch Ain’t Much More Than a Bunch of Phonies Vs. Japan


The outfield wall in the Tokyo Dome could really use some restoration.

Final Score: Japan 16, Netherlands 4.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japanese enslavement of the Dutch people during World War II.


Japan went through a rough patch during World War II, in terms of having their people sent to POW and internment camps, and whatnot. But in the grand scheme of it all, the universe always seems to even things out. And what better way to say I’m sorry to Japan for having your people enslaved, than for the universe to give them the chance to enslave groups of people as well.

While the Koreans were enslaved in the millions, they were embarrassed early on in the World Baseball Classic so lets ignore that horrible human rights violation. Instead, lets look at the much smaller case of how Japan enslaved settlers in the Dutch colony of Indonesia. Only 40,000 Dutch settlers were captured as opposed to the many more Koreans, which is ironic considering the phrase “If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.”

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My Personal Connection to Zach Duke


My brother took this photo, so that means I know Zach like a brother. Right?

Over the years I have traveled across America, attending hundreds of baseball games. During this time, I’ve had some pretty cool experiences with different baseball players. Sadly, Zach Duke isn’t one of the interesting story providers. I met him briefly once though, and have a few other stories that I remember that have to do with Zach.

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The Nationals at the Break


This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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Hanson MMMTops Nats in Series Finale


“Mike Morse, caught in an intimate moment.” (Photo by Jonathan Ernst/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 3, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 BB, 1 2B, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. I was really hoping that Harper’s performance would ferry us to a victory. Just to be clear, we do pay Harper, even if it is an amount much below what he deserves. So please, no raids.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 0-4. For the second straight day, you turn in an 0-4 performance. No wonder our marriage is falling apart.


There’s nothing that energizes a team offensively like a leadoff home run. There’s nothing that energizes a team even more like back-to-back leadoff home runs. But how are we supposed to sustain this energy if our Gio-Thermal sources are all dried up? Today the Nationals showed power early, but clearly the Braves are in cahoots with the pro-coal lobby since they stopped us, and America, from enjoying the renewable energy that we deserve. Well I for one am sick of this ignorant view on energy. We need to make sure the Braves know that what they’re doing is not ok. Your voice needs to be heard, and I feel there’s no better way to do that than to vote in the right people, instead of the Braves. So when you fill out your all star ballot, make sure you vote for the people who believe in Gio-Thermal energy. Vote Nationals.

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A Song of Bryce and Fire: Harper Hits First Home Run as Nats Kill Fathers

Fans thought Bryce Harper was coming out for a curtain call, but he was really just pointing to a cloud so he could prove to his teammates that he knew what a cloud was.

Final Score: Nationals 8, Padres 5

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, HR, RBI, R, K. Who else? DC’s Dynamic Douchebag finally hit the first of what will hopefully be a number of home runs so large that we have to invent a new numerical system to write it without frying whatever computing device it’s written on.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .1 IP, 3 BB, Hold. Great Hold, Henry Rodriguez. You are likely to be getting a lot more of those in the future and a lot less of anything that anyone cares about.


Wow. I can’t believe I was there to see it. They say you never forget the first time, and I’ll certainly never forget this moment. Everything else that happened in the game will soon be lost to history, but not this. And what a scene! Literally hundreds of people in the crowd going wild. Nationals Park erupting with the jubilation that it had long been longing to feel. I looked around after it happened, knowing that not just I but everyone around me would cherish this memory for a lifetime: Sean Burnett’s first save of the season.

There’s really not much to say about the rest of the game, which paled in comparison to such a glorious occasion. Regardless, here’s some photo documentation to give future historians some context when they tell the tale of Sean Burnett’s first save of 2012: Continue reading

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Welcome to my Zimmermannsion: Nats Beat Up Padres, Don’t Confess Sins

"Don't miss the antique Zimmermanntelpiece and my pet Zimmermannatee in the pool out back."

Final Score: Nationals 7, Padres 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 6 K, 1-2, RBI, Win. DAMNIT DAVEY JOHNSON. You ruined Jordan Zimmermann’s hobby. He was all ready to pitch 7 innings and give up 1 run again, but you pinch hit for him in the top of the seventh. You’re like a dad whose son only wants MLB Showdown cards for his birthday but instead you get him Bratz Fashion Party Fever cards. What a bad father.

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 K, Save. He did fine, he just looked shamefully ugly while doing it.


The Nationals won again tonight. They are now 14-4, also known as 10 games over .500. 10 games over .500! I never thought I’d live to see the day. Yet here I am, even very close to death as far as I can tell. I’m actually very upset about it, because I made a number of promises to people of things that I’d only do once the Nationals were 10 games over .500. For instance, I once told my told my dentist that I’d brush my teeth when the Nats were 10 games over .500. It’s a shame really, they were getting such a lovely hue of yellowish swampgreen. I also told a Scientologist on a street corner that I’d join his church when the Nats were 10 games over .500…guess it’s time to dust off my copy of Battlefield: Earth and start standing tall. And I think I told a homeless man that I’d give him all my material possessions and give myself to Antonin Scalia as a sex slave if the Nats…wait. Why did I do that? Fuck. I probably should have gone with flying pigs or frozen hells or something. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Xavier Nady

If you own this card, you're not much better off than you would be if you didn't own this card.

Time is running out for the Nationals to set their final roster, and time is also running out for us to complete our series of 2012 Nationals Player Profiles before the regular season begins. Unfortunately, there are many more potential candidates for the Nationals roster than there are days for us to tell you all about each of them. So we have no choice but to try and enter the terrifying maze of depravity that is Davey Johnson’s mind and guess which players will be selected for the final opening day roster. It is certainly possible that within a few days Xavier Nady will be sent down to triple-A, released, traded, sold into slavery, or taken out behind Space Coast Stadium and shot, and this Player Profile will have been written in vain. But sometimes in life we have to take risks, from great risks like writing this post to small risks like drunk driving. So here goes.

When Xavier Nady’s wife emptied herself of a child on July 15, 2008, this newborn creature was named Xavier Henry Nady VII. No, Xavier Nady didn’t just add an extra name to the end of his son’s name that’s pronounced “veeeeeeeeeeee” and is capitalized for emphasis. There have actually been seven consecutive Nady couples who decided to name their male offspring “Xavier.” Continue reading

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