Tag Archives: smooches

Take Back the Park: A Manifesto

A specter is haunting Nationals Park. For many years, this specter has suffused the air over Navy Yard, seeping into every crack in the concrete, every blade of outfield grass, every droplet of already-filthy Potomac water, every pore of the skin of every resident of Southeast Washingon, DC. Nationals fans have suffered under this yoke, struggling to show the even faintest hint of Nationals pride in the face of the blackness. You know the specter of which I speak. It is Philadelphia Phillies and their fans.

The Nationals had barely settled into their new home of Washington, DC when the inphidels arrived. Imagine the scene: a wholesome, innocent family of Nats fans goes to Nationals Park, hoping to take in a Nats-Phillies game. But as they walk through the gates, they are greeted not with the smiling faces of fellow Nats fans but with the leering glares of something far more horrible. These monstrous creatures wear red–not the red of patriotic Nationalsism  but the scarlet red of a bloodthirsty horde. The young daughter of the family asks, terrified, “Daddy…who are they?” The bloods has drained from her father’s face. “They are…Phillies fans.” He gathers his family and escorts them swiftly out of the stadium. The Nationals are left to play in front of a mob of hateful foreigners in their own ballpark.

Nationals fans, this oppression has gone on for far too long. For too many summers, our city has been forced to endure the occpation of a foreign power. For too many seasons, we have suffered the indignity of being referred to by the denizens of Philadelphia as “Citizens Bank South.” For too many series, our boys have fallen in defeat, abandoned by their fans and left to the mercy of our merciless overlords. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! The time has come to shatter the chains that bind us. To take the fight back to the City of Brotherly Hate and reclaim our homeland. To Take Back the Park. Continue reading

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DISCLAIMER

No, that's not Eddie Guardado

The “Zimmerman” name has been in the news a lot lately in the form of George Zimmerman, the Florida police officer who shot and killed an unarmed young man named Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman has claimed that he acted in self-defense, presumably because he has a fatal allergy to high concentrations of melanin in nearby skin since that’s the only way that would make sense.

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram would like to state that it has no affiliation with George Zimmerman. While it is possible that George Zimmerman was extra-sensitive to the possibility of non-whites attacking him because of the historical connotations of his surname, that is fairly unlikely. He was probably just your average racist who’s ignorant about World War I.

To reiterate: we do not encourage the indiscriminate murder of black people. In fact, if Edwin Jackson walked up to me on the street wearing a hoodie and munching on some skittles, all he’d get would be a big, sloppy, rainbow-flavored kiss.

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