Tag Archives: Stephen Strasburg

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

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Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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WERTH. HERE. ESPINOSA. GONE. RENDON. HERE. RODRIGUEZ. GONE. KROL. HERE. DUKE. GONE. OH. SHIT.

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My mind.

Where to begin… Well, I was born in New York City, and grew up in…

Oh, right. I meant, where to begin about these transactions.

Well, Jayson Werth is back from injury, Anthony Rendon is back after a few starts at AAA at 2B, and Ian Krol is here. I guess Krol Show got canceled or something and he needed a new job.

But some surprising corresponding moves happened, that were also well deserved.

Henry Rodriguez was designated for assignment. The team offered to get him a limo to the airport, but they decided to not spend the money since they know how much he likes walking.

Zach Duke is gone as well. Poor Zach Duke. We dedicated a week to you, and now this. Well hopefully you find happiness elsewhere, although I’ve been to Harrisburg and aside from the diner, not much made me smile.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, Danny Espinosa seems to have vanished. We know he couldn’t have gone far, since he doesn’t know how to walk. We’re all still waiting to hear what exactly happened, but it’s hard to believe that our double play combo is Despinosa could be over. What now? Desbardozzi? Desdon? Yeah, sure, those will be more productive. But if a baseball player doesn’t have a good nickname, is he really even that good? That’s why Rich Garces is the 10-time defending Cy Young and Strasburg isn’t.

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Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

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Current Nationals in Playgirl

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Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

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The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

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At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

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They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

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I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

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