Tag Archives: Steve Lombardozzi

Nationals Sign Dan Haren

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Taken moments after a good hand lick.

There are benefits and downsides to sleeping late. On the plus side I feel more rested, I let my sore muscles recuperate, and I spend less time awake still unable to escape the horrible thoughts of game 5 of the NLDS. The horror.

But on the downside people tend to have the nerve to move on with the world while I’m unaware of what’s going on. This morning I woke up to some news that was already hours old. That news is of course that the Nationals have signed Dan Haren to a 1 year, 13 million dollar contract, pending a physical. What am I supposed to do now? It’s hard to draw interest to a story like this when so many have already been written. I need something to attract people. Maybe a few key words will draw a new crowd in, some popular terms that many people search. I’ll just toss a few right in here:

Obama, boobs, Lindsay Lohan, Facebook, colonoscopies, alien mud men, fiscal cliff, The Hobbit, Christmas, Bryce Harper penis (according to our blog’s analytics that is a very popular search), and juice boxes.

Hopefully that gets a new crowd of people to stumble upon this story.

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Your First Place 2012 Washington Nationals Men’s Gymnastics Team

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The Nationals showing off their new alternate uniforms.

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

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Cliff Notes Nats, Makes Short Work of Them

Final Score: Phillies 8, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Steve Lombardozzi: 1-3, 1 BB. Steve outshined his teammates with this performance. But that’s like someone having the best performance in a movie like Norbit. It’s still not gonna be very good.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: Loss, 4 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 6 ER, 3 K. What a distraster. The most explosively bad showing from a burg since the Hindenburg, and even then, that at least made for good television.

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These Phillies are not the Phillies we have come to know. No Shane Victorino, no Hunter Pence, and strangest of all, a victory. The troubled Philly franchise cut loose two of its stars on Tuesday implying that their era of dominance may be over. But Cliff Lee did his best Hiroo Onoda impression and kept fighting, clearly not having got the message.

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Well Mets: Nats Happy to See, Beat Funniest Team in Baseball

The ball wasn’t even moving, and they still ended up like this trying to get it. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, BB. Bryce, Bryce baby.

Shame of the Game:

Pedro Beato: .1 IP, 4 ER, 4 H, BB. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Oh, were you so horrible because you sneezed every time you tried to throw a pitch?

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Ah, The Mets. They’re not that bad, really. Their actual baseball talent level this year is better than most people expected it to be. Their ability to lose baseball games in the most hilarious and soul-annihilating-to-their-fans ways possible, however, is exactly what people expected it to be: fantastic. They’re the best. No one can top them at this highly not-coveted skill. They are the baseball team equivalent of a sad clown.

The Nats had a lovely evening out at the circus last night. The whole event wasn’t a comedy, of course. They spent the first 9 innings admiring the impressive skills of the performers, who kept the game tied at two through some tight rope-walking by starter Chris Young and impressive feats of strength from strongmen David Wright and Ike Davis. They even had a bearded lady named R.A. Dickey. Continue reading

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Ian Desmond to the DL

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The middle of a swing, sneeze, or poop? You decide.

Some could argue that playing Ian Desmond through the injury they knew he had was a silly decision. They would be right. Ian is going to the DL with a torn oblique and will be out for quite some time. Desmond had put up fantastic numbers while being hurt though, which led many teammates to insult him and beat him with bags of balls in the hopes that additional hurt would lead to greater numbers. At least I think that was the reason. Maybe they just didn’t like him.

Corey Brown makes his return in Desmond’s absence, assuming he can get in the clubhouse door without any trouble. I doubt he’d be recognized.

Steve Lombardozzi will replace Desmond at second base for the time being, which upsets Steve to a degree considering that he doesn’t really like boobs. More of an ass man.

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Splitting Hairs, Scalps, Games: Nats Keep One Head Intact After Braves Doubleheader

The Nationals “forgot” that John Lannan is allergic to gatorade. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Braves 4, Nationals 0; Nationals 5, Braves 2

Dame of the Games:

Roger Bernadina: 5-7, R, RBI. The Shark hasn’t often been spotted of late. He was swimming beneath the surface, biding his time, waiting for some vulnerable, unsuspecting, overly-Brave surfers to happen by so he could rip off their legs. Roger had a feast of legs last night.

Shame of the Games:

Steve Lombardozzi: 0-9, 2 K. If Steve Lombardozzi were a cat and his at-bats yesterday were lives, he’d be dead.

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Coming off Friday’s game in which the good morale of the Nationals was wrenched out of their smiles, put in a meat grinder, sat on by a man who just died of obesity, and fed to a pack of rabid wolves, their prospects for Saturday’s doubleheader seemed grim.

They bounced back quickly in game one. By which I mean they bounced from the horrible place they were after Friday backwards to an even worse place. A place where they get shut out by someone who has hardly pitched in the majors in two years. A place where it’s eternally 2006 and all the women look like Sean Burnett in a wig. Let’s not be in that place any more, please.

Unable to cause any pleasure under the Sheets, the Nats found themselves just 1.5 games ahead of Atlanta and in serious risk of surrendering the series lead by the end of the weekend. Their greatest hope of fending off this onslaught and regaining some modicum of momentum was a man who hasn’t been seen in many moons around Nationals Park. An old veteran once beloved by his people because they lacked anyone better to love, now cast aside in the face of younger, stronger, more able men. A bitter man who probably hates the Nationals more than anything else. Continue reading

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Miami’s Vice: Not Scoring Runs

Bryce Harper and Steve Lombardozzi really wanted people to know that they do NOT enjoy touching each other. The ladies doth protest too much, methinks. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, BB, 7 K; 1-1, R, BB. The last time I took a quick look at Strasburg’s hitting, he was rather absurdly 4th in the league in OPS for people with at least his number of plate appearances. Just thought I’d give you a quick update: he has now moved up to 3rd in all of baseball. Figured you’d want your day to be a little more confusing.

Shame of the Game:

Ricky Nolasco: 5.1 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 2 K. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m gonna guess that Ricky’s last name is a shortened version of an old family company called ‘N Ol’ Ass, Co. Which was probably not successful. Like this start.

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Sunday was Star Wars day at Marlins Park, which included your average Star Wars day festivities like¬†Darth Vadar throwing out the first pitch. But if the Marlins were trying to be the Rebel Alliance, then this battle was more Hoth than Endor. Worse than that, even–Stephen Strasburg and the Nats bullpen didn’t let the Marlins take down one single AT-AT in the 4-0 shutout. Hopefully, this resulted in Ozzie Guillen being frozen in carbonite after the game.

Why am I so keen on seeing Guillen in a perpetual state of terror, mouth agape but no words able to emerge? On Sunday, he directed his particular brand of bad-word-ridden, borderline-psychotic¬†nonsense at the Nationals, specifically one Bryce Harper. Apparently, Guillen decided that Harper had applied pine tar slightly too far up his bat and notified the umpires, who told Harper to change bats. Then, Guillen began complaining about “something” that Harper did with his bat the next time he was up, but he “didn’t want to tell” us what it was. I guess there are several possibilities: Continue reading

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Hanson MMMTops Nats in Series Finale

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“Mike Morse, caught in an intimate moment.” (Photo by Jonathan Ernst/Getty Images)

Final Score: Braves 3, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 BB, 1 2B, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. I was really hoping that Harper’s performance would ferry us to a victory. Just to be clear, we do pay Harper, even if it is an amount much below what he deserves. So please, no raids.

Shame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 0-4. For the second straight day, you turn in an 0-4 performance. No wonder our marriage is falling apart.

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There’s nothing that energizes a team offensively like a leadoff home run. There’s nothing that energizes a team even more like back-to-back leadoff home runs. But how are we supposed to sustain this energy if our Gio-Thermal sources are all dried up? Today the Nationals showed power early, but clearly the Braves are in cahoots with the pro-coal lobby since they stopped us, and America, from enjoying the renewable energy that we deserve. Well I for one am sick of this ignorant view on energy. We need to make sure the Braves know that what they’re doing is not ok. Your voice needs to be heard, and I feel there’s no better way to do that than to vote in the right people, instead of the Braves. So when you fill out your all star ballot, make sure you vote for the people who believe in Gio-Thermal energy. Vote Nationals.

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Morse Activated, Everyone Forgets How To Translate It

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Now having to focus on baseball again, Morse will have to take a break from goaltending for the Canucks.

The Beast is here. No, not Kelsey Grammer. Mike Morse. Morse was activated from the DL today and will make his season debut tonight vs. the Braves. To make room for Morse, Corey Brown was sent down to AAA in a move that saddens nobody.

Morse’s return gives us an extra power bat that we have been missing ever since Werth went down. It also gives us a starting everyday left fielder, bumping Lombardozzi from a role he was getting used to. While the Lombar Puncture was doing well in the leadoff spot, I’m sure we’ll find someone to fill that role. Now that Morse is back our lineup is much better, so the leadoff spot isn’t as much of a concern to me.

Now, let’s look at the Nationals starting lineup for tonight. Batting first, Danny Espinosa.

MORSE WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HEAL?!?!?!

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Bernadina and Nady to Platoon in Left

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Until Roger eats Xavier, of course.

Davey Johnson announced today that the Nationals will move forward with mostly a platoon of Bernadina and Nady in left in the wake of Werth’s injury. Bernadina’s addition makes the Nationals’ outfield even more scarily fast and defensively talented. Nady’s addition makes the Nationals’ outfield even more scarily worse.

Many expected Lombardozzi, Tracy or Moore to get more playtime in left. Instead, Johnson has decided to take the worst approach to winning in that this probably won’t result in wins.

I do love Shark though, and there are certainly a growing number of Shark fans who will love Roger getting more playtime. However nobody will really look forward to Nady. Nady’s Ladies has been losing members each day with the new youthful Harper attracting females. Nady’s Mateys has been losing members ever since Nady left the Pirates. Nady’s Bradys was capped at 8 early on, and will probably lose members as the Brady Bunch actors die off.

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