Tag Archives: Steve McCatty

I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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Kobernus Called Up, Maya DFA’d

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Kobernus swings so hard that his eyes disappear, they just vanish.

As payback for a failed attempt at predicting the end of the world, the Nationals have sent  Maya back down to the minors. If they’re going to pretend to threaten our livelihood with their silly predictions, we’re going to actually ruin their lives by making sure they don’t play in the majors.

With Maya’s designation, the Nationals have called up Jeff Kobernus. Kobernus was a former Rule 5 pick to the Tigers, but was returned to the Nationals this March. Do not confuse the Rule 5 draft with the Rule 34 draft, which based on recent events we know Steve McCatty was a part of.

Kobernus plays 2B, and will likely see some playing time because of Espinosa’s horribleness. He has already been seen as a success compared to Danny, since his walking to the airport was more walking than Espinosa’s done all season.

Trying to come up with a nickname for Kobernus, I had some trouble. But for now I think we should all go with The Kober Report.

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Current Nationals in Playgirl

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Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

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Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

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A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

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An Anthropological Study of the Met Fan, Assuming There Are Any

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Oh wow, a full parking lot? Two hours before the game? Man these fans must be dedica…oh wait, that’s probably just people parking for the US Open across the street.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 3 H, 5 BB, 1 ER, 6 K. Tonight can be best described as “Gio Gone Wild.” Gio was not in a proper mindset, doing crazy things that didn’t reflect well on him. But he still gave pleasure to millions of people watching. If only he had flashed his breasts too.

Shame of the Game:

Kelly Shoppach: 0-3, 1 E. Shoppach dropped an easy foul ball by Kurt Suzuki. And you know what they say. You never give Kurt Suzuki a second chance. Unless you’re the Nationals, who gave Kurt Suzuki a second chance after Oakland. Kurt homered, and Zim did as well shortly after, as Kelly looked on regretting the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

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About two weeks ago, my writing partner took a trip to Philadelphia during which he filed this report. It was an insightful look into an unfamiliar territory, although I wouldn’t recommend looking again because some of those fans are just so grotesque. I thought it would be a fantastic idea to continue to expose our readers to fanbases they may not have seen in their own element before.

On Monday night, I went to Citi Field to see the Nationals play the Mets. I expected to see multiple signs that said “garage sale,” looking to raise funds for their losses to Bernie Madoff, but was surprisingly met by people carrying on as normal. I entered the stadium and began to take note of what I saw. My report is detailed below.

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Nats Encounter Terrible Time in Arizona, Odd Because They Aren’t All Hispanic

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John MacDonald has some fun playing soccer. With a bat. He is not bright. (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 7, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Cesar Izturis: 1-1, 1 2B, 2 R. Cesar is now 2-2 with 4 runs as a National. You may ask, why all the runs with so few at bats? And I say, bad pre-game Mexican food.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, 1 E. Suzuki turned in another 0-for-4 performance, coupled with his first error as a National. He had committed many errors in Oakland however, including making himself seem valuable in some way to the Nationals.

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Ross Detwiler was sick tonight. No, he didn’t have nasty stuff. He was sick. No, he didn’t do something gross like poop in his glove and then use it. He was sick. No, he wasn’t spelled incorrectly and quoted. He was sick. He just didn’t feel well. And that showed on the mound. In more ways than just the mound being covered in sniffles and vomit. For every runner Detwiler allowed, he also gave up an earned run. Which would’ve been fine if he didn’t allow any runners. But he did. So that’s bad.

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Harper Steals Home, Others Steal Smiles as Nats Lose Bad Finale

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The Nationals celebrate Harper stealing home, interrupting a sad Steve McCatty’s story about his fishing trip. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Phillies 9, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 HBP, 1 SB (Home). There are normal men, and then there is Bryce Harper. What? He’s not a woman? I thought with all that makeup…Oh that was eye black? Ok. Well, Harper may be a man, but he’s a much better one than pretty much everyone else. He made a bloop to left into a double, a pickoff to first into a steal of home, and my feelings about my own success much sadder than they already were.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Perry: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. On a day where Gorzelanny and Burnett pitched, it’s strange that someone else could take this award. But Perry succeeded. Most of the team was doing poorly the whole game, but Perry put the game out of reach in the 9th with this bad bad job. Since the Perry was so unsuccessful, the Nationals failed to riposte in the bottom of the inning.

The only thing Nationals fans will be using their brooms for tonight is to clean up after their fat uncle who eats too much and is very uncoordinated. The “Our Park” series came to a horrific conclusion as the Nationals were overwhelmed in tonight’s game. This game was pretty poor anyway you look at it; you would never think that a baseball game would bear such a striking resemblance to Lenny Dykstra.

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2012 Washington Nationals Roster

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The new style for team photos has made some of the players uncomfortable.

Spring is over. The battle to be one of the last 25 standing has come to a close. While some argue that certain people didn’t deserve to make the team, and others say that some players were snubbed, the one thing I think we can all agree on is that twenty-five players have been selected.

Let’s look at the team:

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