Tag Archives: Strasputin

Great Moments in Nationals Sign-Making History

Here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we take pride in making a new and unique sign whenever we attend a Nationals game. Given today is the worst day in all of sports with absolutely nothing going on, I thought it would be good to show you some of our signs that we have shown off at Nationals games.

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Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

Stephen Strasburg found Bryce Harper’s congratulatory gesture to be a bit forward. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Orioles 3

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 5 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 8 K; 2-2, HR, 2 R, RBI. At the conclusion of today’s game, Stephen Strasburg had the highest on-base percentage and slugging percentage of anyone in the Nationals lineup…except Tom Gorzelanny. That would be a funny joke if it weren’t so frighteningly true.

Shame of the Game:

Wei-Yin Chen: 4.1 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The shame of this performance will surely wei on him.

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It’s always a special event when a pitcher hits a home run. There’s something thrilling about watching someone succeed at something they’re supposed to be very bad at, like watching Tom Gorzelanny talk to a woman without her running away crying. Humanity came up with division of labor for a reason and it has served us pretty well, but the rules of the National League usually require some inefficiency in a batting lineup. Somehow, Stephen Stasburg has managed to render this potential inefficiency irrelevant, since he would probably be the Nationals’ DH if they were allowed to have one. If early humans had been as skilled at everything as Strasburg is, civilizations would have been unnecessary and we’d still be living in a state of nature, throwing 100 mph rocks at deer all day. While that sounds fun, civilization has produced a lot of great things, most notably baseball. The last time I read my Hobbes and Rousseau there was no mention of baseball in the state of nature. So I guess it’s probably for the best that we only have one Strasburg-Leviathan.

But you didn’t click on this post for my philosophical musings. You clicked on it for a picture of Strasputin’s enormous penis, so here it is: Continue reading

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Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.

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The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air. Continue reading

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