Tag Archives: suicide

Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

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They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

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I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

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It’s Seppuku Time: Japan Disembowled By Puerto Rico in Semifinal

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Japan 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The U.S. dropping an atomic bomb on Japan

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They will go down as perhaps the two most difficult decisions in history. Decisions of unparalleled consequence. Decisions that altered the course of humanity. Decisions that strike to the very core of the human condition. Decisions that haunted and will forever haunt the sleepless nights of their makers.

The first: United States President Harry S. Truman’s decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilian lives weighed on the most terrible scale against the similar thousands of American soldiers whose lives would have inevitably been lost in a ground invasion of Japan. The unleashing of the most devastating weapon ever devised to end the deadliest conflict the world had yet experienced.

The second: Puerto Rico Manager Edwin Rodriguez’s decision to bring in J.C. Romero into a 3-1 game in the bottom of the 9th of a 2013 World Baseball Classic semifinal. The possibility that J.C. Romero would get some outs weighed against the likelihood the he would give up some baserunners. The unleashing of a pretty terrible pitcher in an effort to end a baseball game that would send Puerto Rico to the WBC finals. Continue reading

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NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

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“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

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Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

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The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

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DC United as New York Turns in Bullish Performance

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“This mirror makes me look 10 years younger!” screamed Jackson, as he frightened a little boy. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 1 3B, 1 HR, 2 RBI. If Bryce is coming out of his slump, he’s coming out of it in a big way. If he’s not, then the definition of slump has changed.

Shame of the Game:

Jeremy Hefner: Loss, 5 IP, 8 H, 5 ER, 3 K. The Hef really fucked the Mets with this performance. I imagine the Mets now get a centerfold appearance in return.

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If there’s anything that can cause severe depression, it’s losing to the Mets. Thankfully, the Nationals seem to have moved past that experience, as they showed up out on the field and won Sunday’s game. I don’t know what helped them move on. Was it anti-depressants? If so I hope they’re legal, or at least that someone was smart enough to pay $10,000 to create a fake website to legitimize them. Was it the fact that Gio Gonzalez is physically incapable of not smiling, and it was contagious amongst his teammates? Almost definitely. Whatever it was, I’m just glad the Nats didn’t take losing to the Mets so hard that they did something to take away the pain that they’d regret. That’s for us to do when Rizzo shuts Strasburg down.

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Dormant Life: R.A. Shuts Down Nats’ Party

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Roger Bernadina is really dedicated about playing tag. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Mets 9, Nationals 5.

Dame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Storen came back and was thrown right into the fire and he did not disappoint. Only the fire had been reduced to a handful of small embers by that point, and nobody was really fighting it anymore. So really the only way he could’ve disappointed would have probably been by actually setting the stadium on fire.

Shame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Loss, 3.1 IP, 6 H, 3 BB, 6 ER, 2 K. Gio is not the rock he once was, having clearly experienced severe erosion. We have to prevent this from happening anymore. No more pitching on rainy or windy days, and let’s get working on having Gonzalez declared a National Park for more protection. If only we had a geyser like Raul Ibanez National Park to really sell them:

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It rivals Yellowstone’s.

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Superstitions are a big part of baseball. Some are unique to baseball like not stepping on the foul line, not talking to a pitcher when he’s throwing a no-hitter, and not high-fiving John Lackey. Actually that last one is more common sense, I think he picks his nose. But one of the biggest superstitions around is the unluckiness of the number 13. This number has proven to be a bit unlucky for both pitchers from Thursday’s matchup, who have encountered trouble in getting their 13th win. Dickey finally achieved it by beating Gonzalez, after weeks of failing to raise his hand when asked “Who wants their 13th win?” Having no UCL certainly has its negatives.

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The Moore-al of the Story: Wild Pitches Come to Those Who Wait

At a pivotal moment, Bryce Harper develops a sudden and inexplicable interest in the outcome of the Diamondbacks/Reds game. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 4

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-4, HR, R, RBI, K. After striking out with the tying run on third in the 9th, Moore seemed destined to do the same with the winning run on third in the 10th. Thanks to a timely wild pitch, we’ll never know if he would have. The hypothetical outcome of that at-bat will go down with the other great counterfactuals of history, like “what would have happened if Hitler had gotten into art school” and “what would have happened if Tyler Moore hadn’t struck out his previous time up.”

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: 1 IP, 3 ER, 3 H, 2 K, BS. All good things must come to an end, and Clippard’s consecutive save streak since becoming the Nats full time closer is apparently no exception. I know that’s a fundamental fact of the universe what with the passage of time and inevitability of death and all that, but still. I really thought this one had a chance to be the one good thing that lasts for eternity. Oh well.

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Last night was not the first time this year that the Nats have defeated the Mets in a dramatic, lead-changing, blown-saves-filled game this year. But it was the only time that that happened when it was also last night. Thus, I am contractually obligated to write about it now, assuming you count shouting “I PROMISE TO WRITE A GAME RECAP EVERY OTHER GAME FOR THE WHOLE YEAR” three times in a row while grabbing The Giology Professor’s ears to be a contract. Which you totally would if you were a lawyer. Anyway, here goes.

This game was basically the platonic ideal of a 2012 Nationals game for precisely eight innings. Seven shutout innings by Ross “The Anti-Wang” Detwiler, limited but sufficient offense, and Brad Lidge nowhere to be seen.  Continue reading

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Miami’s Vice: Not Scoring Runs

Bryce Harper and Steve Lombardozzi really wanted people to know that they do NOT enjoy touching each other. The ladies doth protest too much, methinks. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, BB, 7 K; 1-1, R, BB. The last time I took a quick look at Strasburg’s hitting, he was rather absurdly 4th in the league in OPS for people with at least his number of plate appearances. Just thought I’d give you a quick update: he has now moved up to 3rd in all of baseball. Figured you’d want your day to be a little more confusing.

Shame of the Game:

Ricky Nolasco: 5.1 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 2 K. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m gonna guess that Ricky’s last name is a shortened version of an old family company called ‘N Ol’ Ass, Co. Which was probably not successful. Like this start.

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Sunday was Star Wars day at Marlins Park, which included your average Star Wars day festivities like Darth Vadar throwing out the first pitch. But if the Marlins were trying to be the Rebel Alliance, then this battle was more Hoth than Endor. Worse than that, even–Stephen Strasburg and the Nats bullpen didn’t let the Marlins take down one single AT-AT in the 4-0 shutout. Hopefully, this resulted in Ozzie Guillen being frozen in carbonite after the game.

Why am I so keen on seeing Guillen in a perpetual state of terror, mouth agape but no words able to emerge? On Sunday, he directed his particular brand of bad-word-ridden, borderline-psychotic nonsense at the Nationals, specifically one Bryce Harper. Apparently, Guillen decided that Harper had applied pine tar slightly too far up his bat and notified the umpires, who told Harper to change bats. Then, Guillen began complaining about “something” that Harper did with his bat the next time he was up, but he “didn’t want to tell” us what it was. I guess there are several possibilities: Continue reading

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A Funeral Oration for Brad Lidge

Dear friends, relatives, strangers, Phillies fans, Albert Pujols, and people who only got here by googling Pericles for a high school history paper,

We gather here today to signify the passing into oblivion of a man. Not a great man. Not even really a decent man. Not the worst man, probably, but certainly not that far above the bottom of the man-barrel. You know the man as “Brad Lidge,” but to his closest friends and teammates he was known as…also “Brad Lidge.”

His closest friends and teammates were the only people who didn’t actively walk away when he moved near them.

As I’m sure you are all aware, Brad was designated for assignment by the Nationals on Sunday. Assignment to where? Maybe a prison. Maybe a black hole. Maybe a time machine to the Ice Age. No one cares.

It doesn’t even matter anymore, because Brad Lidge took matters into his own hands. As I’m sure none of you are aware, Brad was a very pious man. He believed deeply that if he could only please the deity Poseidon, he would have success on the baseball field and happiness in his life. But he was never able to find the right offering to give to his master. He tried ugly livestock, his sculpted fecal droppings, plague-ridden rodents, a mug supporting sea-ruiners, and even his own rookie card. Brad never understood why Poseidon hated all his disgusting, offensive and worthless gifts. Continue reading

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