Tag Archives: suicide

Pick Awful: Jackson’s Bad Bait Lets Marlins Swim to Victory

Bryce Harper taunted Marlins fans by striking a Captain Morgan pose and holding it for a full half inning. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Final Score: Marlins 3, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jhonatan Solano: 1-1, 2B. Solano doubled in his first major league at-bat. It is now too late for him to correct the spelling of his first name before officially entering the baseball record books, which is sad for him and the people who read baseball’s record books. So I guess the total negative impact of this event on the happiness of humanity will actually be pretty minimal.

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-4, 3B, 2K. Harper chose his timing as poorly as he chooses his hairstyles, as he crushed a triple with no one on and two outs before striking out pathetically with the bases loaded and one out his next at bat.

——-

There’s nothing quite so frustrating as failing catastrophically at something you didn’t even have to do. Did you work overtime to start a new project at work that lead your company to bankruptcy? Did you give a compltetely healthy man brain surgery and accidentally kill him? Did you run a nuclear bomb safety drill so real that you actually set off a nuclear bomb, wiping out an entire city? Then perhaps you have some empathy for Edwin Jackson, whose superfluous pickoff attempt in the 7th inning resulted in a two base error and the eventual winning run for the Marlins, spoiling his otherwise great start. I can empathize with him because one time in little league I tried to pick someone off third but ended up throwing the ball past the third baseman and into a gutter. Years later I am only now beginning to recover from the emotional trauma. Edwin, if you ever need anyone to talk to about this, I’m here for you.

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Barajasta La Vista: Nationals Say Goodbye to Division Lead as Rod Beats H-Rod

“Mwah mwah mwah mwah. Asmooch smooch smooch. Oh State Farm Auto Insurance Wall, how I love caressing your soft pads. Smoooooooo–uh oh, there’s a ball landing near me.” -Roger Bernadina

Final Score: Pirates 5, Nationals 4

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-3, HR, 2 RBI, R, BB, K. Zimmerman and LaRoche return from injury and mount a comeback for the Nats in the 9th inning! What an inspiring and beautiful story of determination and persevera-

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .2 IP, 2 ER, HR, 2 H, K. Henry Rodriguez turned inspiration into desecration by blowing LaRoche’s hard-earned lead. Perhaps the most annoying part of this is that  I was all excited to give Shame of the Game to Ian Desmond for his horrible error in the 8th that gave the Pirates their third run, but Rodriguez stole it for himself by doing something even more shameful.

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Oh, Henry. Ohhhhhhh Henry. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, Henry. Oh Henry! How could you? How could you spoil such a wonderful ending to a game? The 9th inning was like finding a delicious-looking candy bar lying on the street, only to bite past its succulent chocolaty exterior and find that instead of caramel and nougat it’s filled with shit and more shit. Those two wild pitches were bad enough, but you had to follow them up by throwing Rod Barajas a fastball that was so down the pipe it even managed to clog my toilet several hundred miles away? Ugh. I’d go on with the feces metaphors, but I have to go mop up my bathroom floor. Continue reading

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Ten Baseball Phrases That Could Also Be Sex Acts

In order of least to most deviant:

10: Hold

9: Back-to-back

8: Caught looking

7: In the hole

6: Riding the pine

5: Backdoor slider

4: Touch ’em all

3: Stick a fork in him

2: Hang ’em and bang ’em Continue reading

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Fourth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. New York Wilpons

On a day in which the owners of the Mets found out that they owe so much money to victims of the Madoff ponzi scheme that the entire Mets AA team will have to spend the season selling their bodies on the street to recoup the losses, the Nationals drove another dagger into the Metropolitan heart with a 3-1 win. Even the incentive of not having to be a prostitute was not enough to spark the Mets to play like a major leaguers.

The Nationals, for their part, displayed only relief after the game. After losing two straight to the Astros, a loss to the truly pathetic Mets may have been too much to bear for some players. “Suicide prevention meeting is canceled!” shouted an ebullient Davey Johnson, who then resumed chugging his non-alcoholic beer. Yes, the Nationals will live to play another day of Spring Training.

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