Tag Archives: surprises

We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Nationals Coverage

Oh, curly W. I forgot how seductive are your luscious curves.

Oh, curly W. How could I forget how seductive are your luscious curves.

While we hope you enjoyed The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s brief foray into international coverage, the time for caring about the rest of the world is over. In fact, it’s time to stop caring about anything other than the Washington Nationals for the foreseeable future. You simply won’t have time to. Between watching Nationals games and then reading about them on this very blog, your life will be utterly consumed in #natitude and the #vomit you will produce after seeing the natitude hashtag everywhere.

As it should be. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Leave your children to die on a mountaintop. Get rid of all possible distractions from this impending baseball season that’s about to sit its entire 162-game girth down on our eagerly-awaiting abdomens.

We’ll be doing everything we can to facilitate the ruination of your non-baseball life, with all your favorite game summaries, transaction analyses, player profiles, impossibly witty signs, erotica, and some brand Spanking new features whose surprises I shall not yet spoil. The biggest difference from last season is that we’ll be trading quantity for quality (and less work) in game summaries – expect about one per series, instead of one per game. Don’t worry, though. We’ll make it up to you. Wink.

Without further ado…baseball jokes. Come get ’em.

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Marlins Mar Grins: Mike Stants Tall as Nats Do Fall

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Celebrating is a very somber time for the Nationals. (AP Photo/Joel Auerbach)

Final Score: Marlins 5, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Hitter: 1-2, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Jordan Zimmermann is sick and tired of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game. He decided to take things into his own hands and power one out of the park.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann, The Pitcher: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 4 ER, 4 K. Sadly, it seems he is so sick of throwing 7 IP, allowing 1 ER, and not winning the game, that Zimm has decided to stop even coming close. It’s been three starts since his 4th 7IP/1ER outing of his season, and he doesn’t seem to be going back. His outlook on the game changed. If he couldn’t get support pitching so fantastically, maybe he could get support pitching dreadfully. I worry he’s going to be less like his rotation partners, and more like Jose Lima. He’ll begin to say “It’s Zima Time,” upsetting people greatly by not only letting them know a lot of runs are about to be given up, but also reminding them that Zima existed.

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Miami is all about clubbing. It has one of the best nightlife scenes around, and also one of the biggest men who clubs the furthest home runs anyone ever sees. Giancarlo Stanton is someone everybody wants on their team, and every day that passes that someone doesn’t have him they cry and cry. This has been how great baseball players have been measured throughout history. The better a player, the more tears shed by the entirety of MLB’s fans. There are exceptions however. When you see people crying about Tom Gorzelanny, they simply are weeping for that gene pool.

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