Tag Archives: sweeps

I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

Image

This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot¬†Moore¬†of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

———-

I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

Danny Espinosa was so embarrassed by his poor hitting this year that he decided to replace most of his face with a baseball so no one would recognize him.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 3 BB, 10 K. Gonzalez also had a sacrifice fly and two sacrifice bunts–the most sacrifices he had performed in a day since Brad Lidge once convinced him to help sacrifice every animal on a farm they passed during a roadtrip. Needless to say the farmer was not pleased, and they had to quickly run away from his brandished pitchfork, leaving a trail of massacred livestock in their wake. Good times.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: 3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, BB, K. This Shame of the Game is presented with a caveat: it was actually very nice of Livan to give his old friends so many runs at their reunion, and that’s a practice we’d like to encourage in all former Nationals pitchers.

——–

Bryce Harper is a man in desperate need of a nickname. “Bam Bam” is okay, but the image it calls to mind is of a stupid person who hits himself in the head with bats, not a fearsome baseball player. I’m sure that many baseball scholars will attempt to christen him with their own terms of endearment, but here is my own humble submission. If you bothered to read the title of the post, you can probably guess what it is:

First appearing in the late Cretaceous period roughly 68 million years ago, the Bryceratops somehow survived the extinction of the dinosaurs but remained in hiding before being drafted by the Nationals in 2010. For some reason it has two mouths.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,