Tag Archives: Syria

Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche's eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.
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Harper 2012

Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.

The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process. Continue reading

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Nats Offense is Flaccid and Placid in 5th Straight Loss

We all know you're on the Nationals, Bryce Harper. Stop trying to hide it. It's not that embarrassing. (Also, your pullover kinda gives it away) (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Diamondbacks 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 1-1, 2B, R. He did nothing wrong, unlike everyone else.

Shame of the Game:

The whole offense: Ugly. So ugly they made Trevor Cahill look handsome. Well, not really.

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Happy International Workers Day, everybody. Today is a day when we celebrate the proletariat, the poor, the downtrodden, the have-nots. And who has less than the Nationals offense these days? If runs were wealth, the Nationals would be living in a hovel made out of wealthy peoples’ litter, eating their own pets and drinking each others’ saliva. They’d be camping outside Nationals Park with signs that say “We Are the 99%,” which would be a total lie because they’re really only about the 3.3% of baseball players and everyone else gets a normal amount of runs.

But runs aren’t wealth.  Money is wealth, and the Nationals hitters are making plenty of money. So they really have no right to be celebrating May Day by not scoring any runs in solidarity with the billions of oppressed workers worldwide. Yet that’s exactly what they did. These days,  I don’t even bother to watch Nationals games until the 5th inning or so because I can be pretty confident that no one’s scored yet. Granted, today was another “let’s screw over Jordan Zimmermann” day, but even after the Mermann swam out of the game the offensive performance was underwhelming. “But maybe Trevor Cahill is just a fabulous, Hall of Fame-bound pitcher,” you say. Stop saying that, it’s stupid. Continue reading

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