Tag Archives: teeth

Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

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Nationals Promote Nate Karns, Detwiler to DL

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Some pitchers scare hitters with their fastball. But Karns scares hitters by reminding them what could happen to their bite if they don’t wear their retainers.

Nate Karns will be called up to start Tuesday’s game vs. the Orioles. So break out your Austin Kearns jerseys and hope that everyone in attendance has dyslexia, because he deserves your support. Just don’t spend any money on him until he proves he’s better than Austin Kearns was.

It’s about time we had the Karnival come to town, because this team is not very fun to watch sometimes. Hopefully we can just sit back and enjoy some candy dipped baseballs but NO roller coasters. Please, no more roller coasters Karns. We have to deal with them every day when our bullpen comes in to pitch.

The promotion corresponds with the team finally placing Detwiler on the DL. Detwiler had been dealing with an oblique strain for quite some time, but the team was hoping that we would find out that Ross could simply have his oblique removed and we could all move on healthily. Because seriously, what does the oblique do besides sideline baseball players? I think all doctors should just remove them at birth.

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Santo Sabado: Saturday’s Game Enlightens Us All About Semifinal Seeding

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The players find it hilarious that all of Jose Reyes’s teeth fell out. But how will he chew? Not so funny when you consider that issue.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 2, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The tourism battle between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.

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When you’re thinking of a nice Caribbean vacation, you’d probably consider going to either the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico. Just like baseball. When you’re thinking of good baseball, you’d probably consider either the Dominican Republic or the USA. I mean Puerto Rico, which is kind of the USA anyway.

The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are the two most visited vacation destinations in the Caribbean. Source: Wikipedia said that in a sentence and fact checking is boring, so lets go with it. Puerto Rico has historically been on top, but the Dominican surely wants to be recognized as number one. I’m surprised they aren’t already, as Jose Lima’s gravesite should be a pilgrimage for any baseball fan from the 90s, much like Mecca.

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NatsLive Large: Dierks Bentley Concert Overshadowed by Something of Quality

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Sadness overwhelms Kristina Akra. She just can’t stand people being so wasteful with food and drinks. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 10, Brewers 4.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 3 R (0 ER), 5 K. Speedy Gonzalez got to 20 wins faster than any pitcher in the bigs this season. We should start calling the stadium the “Mouse’s House” to honor that nickname and his accomplishment. It’d be a better nickname than calling it the “Rape Victim” after every time Sean Burnett pitches.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. Livan has fallen on hard times. Meaning that hard times was probably flattened.

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With the Nationals former single season wins leader in the house (well sort of, we had trouble fitting Livan through the door entirely), Gio further distanced himself from that old record by getting his 20th win on Saturday. This is a huge accomplishment. I mean 20 wins for an individual, or a team if you’re from Houston, is amazing. I hope he can get to 21 by the end of the season, and celebrate by recklessly drinking at bars. And then maybe even 22, and celebrate by realizing you don’t get to do anything new at 22 but age. Gio has been an amazing pickup for the Nats, and has given them some special moments in his time here. Hopefully he can bring them one last special moment, the one that really matters. You know what I’m talking about. Winning that big prestigious award, The Toothy, for best smile in baseball.

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Happy Birthday Gio Gonzalez

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Gio gets a nice birthday surprise, as he lifts the brim of his cap to see that the sky exists.

Happy 27th birthday to Gio Gonzalez. There’s no better way to spend your birthday than by doing what he’s doing today. Sitting around for 7 hours or so being ignored while everyone pays more attention to those around you.

What do you get the man who already has as much as Gio? A 20th win? No, people have gotten in trouble for buying wins before. A toothbrush? No, he probably has a gold-plated one made of diamonds already. Oh I know! I’ll get him tickets to game 1 of the playoffs at Nats Park. Shame they were all sold out during this morning’s presale. Say, any of you have any extras? For Gio, of course.

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Sit ’em Down John, Sit ’em Down John: Lannan Shuts Mets Out in Return

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I am blessed with fame yet again.

Final Score: Nationals 2, Mets 0.

Dame of the Game:

John Lannan: Win, 5.2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 2 K, 0 R. Stephen who? In his third start of the year, Lannan pitched excellently to lower his ERA to 2.41. What’s that? Oh yes that’s right, Strasburg. Stephen Strasburg…….god I still miss him.

Shame of the Game:

Jon Rauch: 1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 K. Rauch immediately allowed an important insurance home run to Desmond upon entering. We can all thank him for his first useful contribution to the world since getting that jar down from the top shelf thanks to his height.

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I might be the first person in history to say, “that sure was a fun Mets game, I’ll happily go again soon!” After seeing the Nationals play in Queens on Monday, I decided to go back for Wednesday’s game. It was a thrilling experience, one that I will never forget. Unlike Mets fans, who down a pill bottle after each game to try and develop some sort of amnesia to escape the pain. I took the subway out from Manhattan and found it to be packed. Am I in for a raucous crowd tonight? The answer clearly became “no,” as many of them left 2 stops before proving themselves to be commuters. That “no” was further solidified as I walked past the parking lot, no longer being used as spillover for the US Open.

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An empty parking lot. That makes more sense. Also, a thumb.

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Rejected Roger Bernadina Sign

Every man and woman eventually reaches a point where they have to draw a line, and say “that’s too racist to take out in public.” For us, it might take further to reach that line than most people. But the picture above is an example of something that sadly lies beyond that line.

A higher quality of the truly horrifying Great Black Shark image we did end up proudly displaying at Nats Park is below. Continue reading

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An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.

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Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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The Daisuke Has Been Cast: Nats Roll in Matsuzaka’s Return

This was actually the cover photo in the latest issue of Asian Nipples Weekly. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6.1 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Mike Gonzalez did not manage the runners he inherited from Gio very well, allowing two of them to score. In related news, Mike Gonzalez was recently removed from Gio Gonzalez’s will.

Shame of the Game:

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. First the earthquake and nuclear meltdown, and now this guy’s representing them again. Tough times for the Japanese.

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The Curse of the Bambino, caused by the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees, prevented Boston from winning a World Series for 86 years. Now the Red Sox have a new curse to contend with: the Curse of F. P. Santangelo, caused by F. P. merely entering Fenway Park. Since that happened, the Red Sox have not won a game against the Nationals. The curse is indisputable. I have never seen a more obvious causal chain.

Gio Gonzalez helped the curse along by holding the Red Sox at bay into the 7th inning. His biggest scare of the night happened when he and Jesus Flores got crossed up, leading to Flores getting hit in the crotch with a curveball. By the law of the Curse of the Catcher, Flores’ cup should have shattered into millions of tiny cup-pieces which would embed in his groin, rendering him incapable of catching again or fathering children. However, he was fine. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that perhaps the Nationals can only have one curse at a time and F. P. Santangelo has rendered the old curse obsolete through his Santangelic powers.

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Welcome to my Zimmermannsion: Nats Beat Up Padres, Don’t Confess Sins

"Don't miss the antique Zimmermanntelpiece and my pet Zimmermannatee in the pool out back."

Final Score: Nationals 7, Padres 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 6 K, 1-2, RBI, Win. DAMNIT DAVEY JOHNSON. You ruined Jordan Zimmermann’s hobby. He was all ready to pitch 7 innings and give up 1 run again, but you pinch hit for him in the top of the seventh. You’re like a dad whose son only wants MLB Showdown cards for his birthday but instead you get him Bratz Fashion Party Fever cards. What a bad father.

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 K, Save. He did fine, he just looked shamefully ugly while doing it.

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The Nationals won again tonight. They are now 14-4, also known as 10 games over .500. 10 games over .500! I never thought I’d live to see the day. Yet here I am, even very close to death as far as I can tell. I’m actually very upset about it, because I made a number of promises to people of things that I’d only do once the Nationals were 10 games over .500. For instance, I once told my told my dentist that I’d brush my teeth when the Nats were 10 games over .500. It’s a shame really, they were getting such a lovely hue of yellowish swampgreen. I also told a Scientologist on a street corner that I’d join his church when the Nats were 10 games over .500…guess it’s time to dust off my copy of Battlefield: Earth and start standing tall. And I think I told a homeless man that I’d give him all my material possessions and give myself to Antonin Scalia as a sex slave if the Nats…wait. Why did I do that? Fuck. I probably should have gone with flying pigs or frozen hells or something. Continue reading

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