Tag Archives: telegrams

Nationals Offer Terms of Surrender to Phillies

The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.

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To:

Ruben Amaro
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry

The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.

And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.

If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.

It’d almost be a shame¬†not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.

If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms. Continue reading

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