Tag Archives: testicles

Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration

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Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that thezimmermantelegram.wordpress.com has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

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NLDS Game 1: Moore’s Utopia

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“Ooo, they are cold!” (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Did the Nats win: Depends what you mean by win.

Was it fun to watch: When I wasn’t gouging my eyes out.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: Oh no oh no oh no oh no WAIT OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!

Sometimes things take a while to get going. It takes time for an oven to heat up, it takes time for me to muster up the courage to look at a picture of Tom Gorzelanny, and it takes time for the Nationals to realize that they should stop doing so poorly in the biggest game in this team’s history. But you know, that’s easy to forget to do. Despite getting out on top early on, the Nationals did not play at a major league level. They didn’t even play at a Houston Astros level.

This game was all about incompetence. 2 of the 3 lead changes were not thanks to impressive baseball skill, but rather miserable failure. Well, one of the failures was miserable. The other might have seemed like a silly thing to do, but in reality helped the more powerful group claim what they wanted. I would compare Pete Kozma’s error to appeasement towards the Nazis. It gave the Nats just a little, after which they took a lot. Now I don’t really like comparing the Nationals to the Nazis. But just like the Nazis, the Nationals don’t support smoking within their homeland, so there certainly are similarities.

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Henry Rodriguez has Surgery

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I’m not sure surgery was necessary. Maybe just adjusting the antenna for a clearer picture.

Henry Rodriguez is out for the season after undergoing elbow surgery today. I hope the surgery was a success, but knowing Henry’s luck, the doctor probably jabbed him with a scalpel a few feet away from the desired target and messed everything up.

H-Rod was a tremendous closer at the beginning of the year but fell on hard times due to his inaccurate pitching. Doctors now say he won’t be able to pick up a ball for three months, which will make adjusting his boxers very uncomfortable for a while.

Hopefully he rebounds just like his pitches rebounded off the backstop over and over.

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Kyle’s Team is a Big Fat Bitch, it’s the Biggest Bitch in the Whole Wide League

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Tyler Moore happily trots away after kicking Kyle Kendrick in the nuts. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-1, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Tyler was the only National who seemed to think scoring was an appealing idea. I didn’t know this was a team of eunuchs. Although I assumed Gorzelanny might have just cut his off by now since nobody ever uses it.

Shame of the Game:

The MASN Broadcast. Usually a quality broadcast, I must complain that they didn’t blur out obscene content tonight. Sure there’s a lot of them, but when there’s something as shockingly grotesque as Phillies fans’ faces being shown left and right you really have to step up and censor them. Think of the children.

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Tonight, the Nationals came into Philadelphia and lost. I guess the phrase “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” doesn’t hold true for Nats fans. Not only because the game was depressing, but also because it took place at night and the sun isn’t there at night. I wonder what other phrases related to Philadelphia are just bald-faced lies. How about, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Hmm, no that sounds about right. I mean without incest, how would Phillies fans look so deformed.

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The Nationals at the Break

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This toaster is just like our season; We burnt everyone and we too had the option for frozen, as it applied to our offense at times.

Here we stand at the midway point of the baseball season. Or, if you’re someone like Rich Garces, here we sit. It’s much too tiring to stand up with all that weight. Baseball has reached a point when many people take time to rest and many others take time to analyze each team’s performance to this point. Given I am unemployed and thus have been doing nothing but rest for weeks, I’ll give the latter a shot and look at how the Nationals have done to this point in the season.

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