Muerto Rico: U.S. Clobbers “51st State,” Metaphorically Stating That They Suck

Doesn’t matter, you suck at baseball.

Final Score: USA 7, Puerto Rico 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The issue of Puerto Rican statehood.

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“I like the way American flags are designed and that shouldn’t change!”

This excerpt from Joe Torre’s pre-game pep talk proves one thing. Americans are very content with just having 50 states. And that Joe Torre probably enjoys a pre-game cocktail. So, two things.

For a long time, Puerto Rico has kind of just been there, living a decently uneventful life as an American territory. Much like in baseball, where many Puerto Ricans are just kind of there, controlled by American ownership. Just like how Ruben Sierra was controlled by George W. Bush during Bush’s ownership of the Rangers. Only America doesn’t constantly ask Puerto Rico what they think of our dog paintings like Bush did to Sierra.

Bob and F.P. Coming Back

It was a tough negotiating process, but F.P. finally got MASN to throw in a bunch of napkins so he could replicate classic moments like this. And also dribble spit uncontrollably without worrying about getting his shirt wet.

Losing a star hitter? Sad, as I’m sure Texas will soon tell you. Seeing an ace go to a rival? Also troubling, which I’m sure the Angels would agree with when Greinke leaves. But losing an announce booth? That might be the worst pain of all, unless you’re a White Sox fan of course. Because there is no greater pain I’m aware of than hearing Hawk Harrelson make your ears bleed every time someone hits a home run.

But for the Nationals, losing their announce team from last year would be a big blow. Thankfully, Bob and F.P. are coming back, as MASN has agreed to deals with them both for the 2013 season.

Do The Nationals Enable Underage Drinkers?

Clearly yes, as seen above. Oh that’s Mike Rizzo? I thought it was a giant baby.

For a while I wondered what the Nationals would do if they clinched a playoff spot when it came to celebration. Most teams celebrate with champagne and beer, but with 19-year old Bryce Harper on the team, that clearly wasn’t a legal option. Certain teams have taken steps to cater to teammates’ needs, such as the Rangers using soda to celebrate with Josh Hamilton. The Nationals could have done something similar for the youthful Bryce. Chocolate milk, perhaps?

But no, the Nationals, Bryce included, celebrated using using alcohol last night. I hate to do it, but I think we should call for the arrest of those involved. In a game like baseball we cannot allow underage drinking to thrive. Steroids, prostitutes and cocaine, that’s fine. But underage alcohol use, no way.

Now I’m sure Bryce might say that he wasn’t consuming the beer and only using it to spray on people, citing his religious beliefs. He famously denied that he would drink alcohol while in Canada earlier this year. Come on Bryce. Are we supposed to believe that? People who handle cocaine don’t just throw it everywhere to make it feel like Christmas. People who use LSD don’t just glue the paper over a spelling mistake when they’re out of white out. Bryce, stop clowning around.