Tag Archives: The Great NL East War

Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

——–

The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nationals Offer Terms of Surrender to Phillies

The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.

——–

To:

Ruben Amaro
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry

The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.

And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.

If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.

It’d almost be a shame not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.

If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jason Golden Fleeces Nats Out of Win: Hammel and the Or-gonauts Take Opener

This kid thinks he’s so clever, wearing gear from both teams to try and get as many autographs as possible. Well, no one’s going to reward such flagrant pandering–I think he’s overstretching himself. Also, his clothing. Cause he’s fat. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images)

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 H, BB, K. We jest about Zimmermann not getting any run support because people don’t like him. But this sample size is only getting larger and less dismissable by the game. Does he make loud and disgusting noises when he eats? Does he give terrible birthday presents? It’s still a mystery.

Shame of the Game: 

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, K. Both Zimmerman(n)s are represented in today’s game dame/shames. This would be more exciting for The Zimmerman(n) Telegram except for the fact that we probably wouldn’t have named a blog after Ryan if we knew he was going to be so bad. Ryan’s whole season at the plate has been a bit on the shameful side. I can only assume he’s been distracted by his other, more foreign ministerial duties.

——

The Battle of the Beltway resumed on Friday. A classic piece of military wisdom is that sometimes the best way to win a battle is to not fight it at all. The Nats may have been well-served to heed this advice, as they lost the opening skirmish of the Battle’s second round. Although, if they hadn’t fought the battle they probably would’ve just forfeited, which would have produced the same result in the standings. They may actually have been better served by just not striking out ten times against Jason Hammel. I guess baseball and war are not always analogous.

Now I finally understand why Sun Tzu’s brief foray into baseball analysis failed. And why Harold Reynolds’ brief foray into being a general resulted in his entire army immediately dying and him cowering behind a bush for several weeks. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beautiful, Cultured Nats Continue Superiority Over Philly-stines

A typical Nationals fan takes in the game

Final Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 1

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 3B, R, 2 RBI, 2 K. True to his name, Harper also added to the Nationals’ cultural output by performing a lovely harp solo for the unappreciative Philly fans following the game.

Shame of the Game:

Roy Halladay: 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 H, 1 BB, 6 K.

David Herndon: “Open the clubhouse door, Halladay.”

Roy Halladay: “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Dave: “Why not, Hal?”

Hal: “I am too ashamed of my performance to allow anyone to see me right now.”

Dave: “But I left my box of doughnut holes in there and I’m so hungry!”

Hal: “Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.”

——-

Regardless of what happens tonight, this victory means that the Nationals have won their first two series against the Phillies in 2012. This is a great start to the Nationals’ campaign in the Great NL East War of 2012, though even their four triumphs have only led to small gains in most commentators’ evaluations of the two teams. These observers see the Nats and Phillies as entrenched in their skill levels of the past few years, and it will be difficult for Washington to cross the no man’s land of expectations to truly win a decisive victory in the public eye. For the moment, though, the Nats are again in first place in the East and the Phillies are in last, and Jordan “Red Baron” Zimmermann continues to pilot the Nats like an ace when he pitches. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Nationals War Plan Revealed!

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram has gotten its grubby paws on the war strategy that the Nationals plan to use against the Phillies. Ever since yesterday’s declaration of war, everyone’s been dying to know what their first move would be. Well, here it is.

The plan was devised by chief strategist Davey “Schlieffen” Johnson (no idea where he got that nickname…must’ve been something weird he did in college). It calls for an all-out assault on the Phillies starting with Strasbourg, as shown below:

As you can see, the city of Metz is bypassed entirely because it has no strategic importance whatsoever.

I look forward to watching this clearly masterful plan unfold.

Tagged , , , , ,

The Outlook is O-Bleak: Adam LaRoche Scratched From Lineup

LaRoche also got a tattoo on his oblique saying “INJURED” just so everyone would know. Hopefully he’ll realize why that was a mistake soon.

Adam LaRoche was dropped from tonight’s starting lineup at the last minute because of a sore right oblique muscle. LaRoche could be out anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks to a couple years to a couple cycles of the creation and destruction of the universe. The injury leaves the Nats without their normal 3, 4, and 5 hitters. It’s almost as if someone is methodically hunting down the Nats’ best hitters and…straining their muscles.

Ruben Amaro sure is subtle with his covert operations.

Tagged , , , ,

WASHINGTON NATIONALS DECLARE WAR ON PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

At 9:03 am this morning, Mike Rizzo walked into his office and immediately knew something was wrong. Someone had been there in the night. He could smell it, and it was a smell he knew all too well: the scent of cheesesteaks. Rizzo checked his computer, his desk files, his compartment of Spanish gold and pornography hidden under his floorboards. Everything was in its proper place. Puzzled, he sat down  to work…and then he saw it. His hamster, Archduke. Lying dead in his cage with a bullet in his head.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” Rizzo fell to his knees, shook his fists at the ceiling, and wailed. Not Archduke. No the one thing he loved most in the world, more than his wife or children. Who would do such a thing? 

But he knew the answer even before he read the note left in the cage: 

“Get out of first place. It’s mine.

-R. Amaro”

Mike Rizzo stood, concealing his anguish beneath a facade of icy determination. His whisper held the fury of a thousand charging Nyger Morgans.

“Never.”

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,