Tag Archives: the moon

At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Continue reading

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2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Splitting Hairs, Scalps, Games: Nats Keep One Head Intact After Braves Doubleheader

The Nationals “forgot” that John Lannan is allergic to gatorade. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Scores: Braves 4, Nationals 0; Nationals 5, Braves 2

Dame of the Games:

Roger Bernadina: 5-7, R, RBI. The Shark hasn’t often been spotted of late. He was swimming beneath the surface, biding his time, waiting for some vulnerable, unsuspecting, overly-Brave surfers to happen by so he could rip off their legs. Roger had a feast of legs last night.

Shame of the Games:

Steve Lombardozzi: 0-9, 2 K. If Steve Lombardozzi were a cat and his at-bats yesterday were lives, he’d be dead.

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Coming off Friday’s game in which the good morale of the Nationals was wrenched out of their smiles, put in a meat grinder, sat on by a man who just died of obesity, and fed to a pack of rabid wolves, their prospects for Saturday’s doubleheader seemed grim.

They bounced back quickly in game one. By which I mean they bounced from the horrible place they were after Friday backwards to an even worse place. A place where they get shut out by someone who has hardly pitched in the majors in two years. A place where it’s eternally 2006 and all the women look like Sean Burnett in a wig. Let’s not be in that place any more, please.

Unable to cause any pleasure under the Sheets, the Nats found themselves just 1.5 games ahead of Atlanta and in serious risk of surrendering the series lead by the end of the weekend. Their greatest hope of fending off this onslaught and regaining some modicum of momentum was a man who hasn’t been seen in many moons around Nationals Park. An old veteran once beloved by his people because they lacked anyone better to love, now cast aside in the face of younger, stronger, more able men. A bitter man who probably hates the Nationals more than anything else. Continue reading

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Bryce Harper: Range We Can Believe In

Every good candidate needs a good slogan, and we’ve found one for Bryce Harper’s campaign for the final spot on the 2012 NL All-Star Team. “Range We Can Believe In” evokes both the powerful emotions that people felt during Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign and the even more powerful emotions that people feel every time they see Bryce Harper running really far to catch a baseball.

So make yard signs, bumper stickers, facebook groups, shirts. Write it in bathrooms, at the top of your PhD theses; use airplanes to write it in the sky, and massive space paint-cannons to write it on the moon. Let everyone know that they have a new reason to hope, and it’s Bryce Harper’s ability to run down balls in the gap.

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