Tag Archives: Tim Lincecum

I Left My Steroids in San Francisco: Nats Are Going Home To City Not By a Bay With a Win

Time Lincecum would have had to hold his glove up a little higher to effectively hide the fact that he was sleeping. Also, he would have had to not be the starting pitcher of an ongoing baseball game.  (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Giants 4

Dame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI, R, 2 K. Once upon a time, Danny Epinosa was having a horrible season. Now he’s having a league average season. And he lived average-happiness-level-ly ever after.

Shame of the Game:

Melky Cabrera. While he was not technically in this game, this is retroactive to all previous games he played against the Nats when he was cheating. No one cheats against the Nats and gets away with it. No one except the people who haven’t gotten caught, that is.

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It shouldn’t come as that big of a surprise that so many Giants take steroids. Barry Bonds, Guillermo Mota (#s 2 and 1 in historical importance to the franchise, respectively) and now Melky Cabrera. It’s been right under our noses this whole time. Right there in the name, in fact. What is a giant if not a man using a ton of steroids? How do you think all the famous giants of myth and legend got so big?

Did Atlas just wake up one day and realize he could lift the entire planet? No, he obviously pumped himself full of man-power-juice, then did some crazy workouts Paul Ryan-style, then grabbed the earth and put it on his shoulders. How did Polyphemus become enormous and mutate himself into only having one eye? A strict diet of pure testosterone, raw vegetables, and raw sheep. Duh. And the Big Friendly Giant? Not so friendly when the roid rage hits.

Which is all by way of saying that of course the Giants are on steroids. Melky was caught, but I have little doubt that the rest of them have some kind of unnatural substances swimming around their veins. Or else they would have changed their team name already. Continue reading

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Lince-came, Lince-Saw, Lince-Was-Conquered: Nats Reign Through Rain

Angel Pagan sees a real giant behind the center field wall, and doesn’t react very bravely. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 3

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 2 2B, R, RBI, K. This may not have been the best performance of the night, but it was certainly the most All-Star performance of the night. Tell the world you agree.

Shame of the Game:

Tim Lincecum: 3.1 IP, 8 R, 7 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 2 K. Time Lincecum is having a very bad year. The kind of year that makes you wish “I wish I could have that year back.” But he can’t, and he only has a finite number of years to live before he dies, and this is one of them. That’s certainly a shame for him.

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I know, I know. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else while Bryce Harper is still in contention for the NL All-Star Final Vote. I, too, expected the world to come to a complete standstill until this matter is correctly resolved. But, apparently, gravity doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation, so the world’s still spinning. And because “schedules need to be adhered to,” the Nationals still played the Giants Tuesday night.

Fortunately, the Nationals overcame their certain preoccupation with Harper 2012 to do a little Giant-slaying. A giant’s weapon of choice is usually a large club, but it was the Nats that did the large clubbing in this game. Incidentally, after the game, Tom Gorzelanny did a little “large clubbing” of his own, which is what he calls it when he goes out to clubs specifically for designed for fat women. Sadly (for him) and happily (for the overweight women), he was no more successful in his seductive efforts than usual. Continue reading

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