Tag Archives: toes

The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

Image

Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dan Uggla Forgets How to Do Baseball, Nats Win in 13

I’m really looking forward to coming next time for Toetown Tuesday, when presumably they’ll replace all the intense pictures of players’ faces with pictures of their wiggling toes.

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 2-6. It might seem like an unorthodox choice, but Kurt Suzuki had the accidental infield single that set up Chad Tracy’s dramatic walkoff easy groundball to second. You’re the Dame of the Game, Kurt Suzuki–take a Kurtsy.

Shame of the Game:

Dan Uggla: 1-6, K, that one play that ended the game. The “uggly” pun is almost too easy. But then it’s really his fault for living up so obviously to his last name.

——–

Last night’s game was The Most Important Game of the Year for the Nationals, and I was there to witness it. What an honor. I was also there to witness The Most Important Drizzle of the Year. What an honor.

When the rain finally went on its merry way, the game got off to a pretty exciting start. The Braves scored a run. The Nats scored a lot of runs! The Braves scored one less than a lot of runs. That all added up to things being tied after four and a half innings, which I naively thought at the time would be halfway through the game. Silly me.

Another exciting game of ¬†the crowd-favorite “Put Circles in the Circle” is completed. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ivan the Terribly Good: Tsar Stars as Yankees Sweep Nats

The Yankee outfield meets for their daily ritual of checking their forearms for weird bumps. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 4, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, HR, RBI, R. If the Nationals offense yesterday were described as “comatose,” LaRoche would be the lone wiggling toe that would prevent a passerby from assuming it was a corpse and throwing it in a ditch.

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: .2 IP, 2 R, ER, 2 H, K. Brad Lidge may be gone, but fortunately there are still people in the bullpen who can be counted on to give up runs when the need arises or repel women trying to get in the clubhouse.

——-

The Yankees have done many impressive things in their history. They have employed some of the best players of all time. They have won more World Series than any other team. They have spent more money than any other team. They have made more people hate them than any other team. But there was always one jewel missing from the Yankee crown. One achievement that, year after year, has ever eluded them. On Sunday, the Yankees finally caught their White Whale. They swept the Washington Nationals. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

Image

With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

———-

The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win.¬†However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,