Tag Archives: Toronto Blue Jays

Nats Sign Caleb Clay

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Collin Balester has been completely replaced.

Continuing their thrilling offseason, one that rivals the Blue Jays’ in terms of excitement, the Nats have signed Caleb Clay to a minor league deal. Clay is one of the only players in MLB history to be a compensatory pick for a team losing Bill Mueller. What an honor, perhaps even a Hall of Fame worthy accolade.

Clay has been in the Red Sox’s system since 2007, posting decent but uninspiring career numbers. Hopefully our organization can mold him into more of a star.

Get it? Cause he’s clay. Clay molds? No? Ok.

Since he’s still young and depending on how he develops, this signing could be a bargain. I hope all this money going Clay’s way though doesn’t make him feel overprivileged and lead to a life of laziness. Money can corrupt people, I just hope it doesn’t corrupt this potential bargain.

Get it? Cause he’s clay. Henry Clay? Corrupt Bargain? No? Ok.

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Moore, Moore, Moore! How Do You Like Him? A Decent Amount

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Harper getting to third base and showing off his “Oh Face.” (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 2

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-4, 1 2B, 2 R, 2 HR, 5 RBI. Moore had the game of his career today and a performance that propelled the Nationals to a victory.┬áTyler Moore wouldn’t have played today if Adam LaRoche wasn’t a little roughed up. I would advise Adam to keep his knees away from Nats fans wielding metal pipes who want this to happen again.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Drabek: 4.1 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 2 BB, 1 K, 1 Injury. Drabek was the 2nd Jays starter this series to go out with an injury. A little suspicious, maybe the players just don’t want to face the Nationals. A fine way to trick the team into getting you out of the game, but if I didn’t want to play, I always went with the not being good enough at all approach. Of course, if I did want to play I had to settle for weeping.

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The Nationals came into Canada and beat them up worse than that time that country beat up Canada in that war which was probably not a big deal since Canada doesn’t get involved in many international conflicts in a big way. Still, the Nationals swept the Blue Jays this afternoon. Strasburg was superb as always, Stammen was thoroughly effective as always, and Lidge was dominant as never in the last 5 years. The big story was Tyler Moore though, who turned in a career performance and showed that he truly has made it after all (bum bum bum… bum!).

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Chien Up: Wang Controls Balls Well and Squeezes Out A Satisfying Result

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Clippard had a bit of a hard time understanding how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Blue Jays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 3-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce has come into Canada strong by going 6-8 so far in this series, and blowing everyone away. Upon first arriving in Toronto, he remarked that it was kind of the city to erect a giant space needle to represent his manhood, although claimed it was a bit on the small side. Perhaps his quality performance to this point has excited it enough for it to grow another 3 or 4 stories.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Encarnacion: 0-4, 1 K. Edwin hasn’t produced out of a crucial part of the lineup in these two games against the Nationals. I think we’re exposing him for the poor player he actually is. I knew his torrid pace to start the season couldn’t keep going. He couldn’t keep seeing the ball that well; we all know people in his family don’t have good eyes.

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Playing on turf is tough for most players. The ball does weird things, it’s bad for your legs, it’s disliked by many players. But the Nationals have been playing so successfully the first two games of the series that they clearly like it. Well little do people know, the Nationals have tremendous seasonal allergies, and being inside an artificial dome is what they have dreamed about for years. They can finally stop having watery eyes, except for the ones caused by tears after seeing Davey put Espinosa back in the leadoff spot. They can finally have clean nasal passages, except when Ian Desmond accidentally sticks marbles up there thinking it would be a cool prank to play.

Toronto is really an allergic person’s paradise, and the Nationals have been thriving. Steps have already been taken, after seeing this success, to rid Nationals Park of all allergens. The field will be torn up, the stadium will be enclosed in a giant bag, all food will be thrown out, all fans will not be allowed to bring in fabrics and will have to come naked, and rubber gloves will have to be worn by all players. I can just imagine it now, two teams of naked men in rubber gloves performing in near darkness in front of thousands of also naked people. That’s how baseball was meant to be played.

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The Morrowind Dies Down: Nats Take Advantage of Injury Like Lions, Thankfully Don’t Go 0-16

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You know what they say. Give up a home run, grab your penis. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Blue Jays 3.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 8 IP, 4 H, 3 BB, 2 ER, 3 K. Jackson finally won a road game, his first one as a National. Before each away game to this point, Jackson had confusedly asked “Where am I?” never bothering to look at a map or listen. While the team had told him the truth until this point, they brought a “Welcome Home” banner and hung it in the clubhouse on this trip. Jackson was ecstatic to be in what he believed was his home, but devastated that his microwave was nowhere to be found. Jackson is not very bright.

Shame of the Game:

Brandon Morrow: Loss, 0 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 1 Injury. Morrow left the game early with a strained side. Maybe next time he shouldn’t order the peas and carrots.

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The Nationals were riding high going into Toronto, in part because of their sweep of the Red Sox, but also because of Canada’s more lenient marijuana laws. This was a big moment for the nation’s team to show Canada that America means business, and they did just that in some very American ways. LaRoche and Ankiel launched bombs, Jackson fired bullets, and Sean Burnett ate so many Big Macs that his performance in the 9th was filled with shit. But in the end the Nationals came out on top of Canada just like America has in every way ever. Except geography. And social health programs. And human rights. And… you know what, fuck that. AMERICA!

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Boston’s Sad Swan (Boat) Song Sweeps Fans Off Feet, Team Off Field

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Ian Desmond’s interpretive dance routine caused a 23 minute delay and a decline in attendance. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-4, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 1 SB. Bernadina got the game winning hit, driving in Harper in the top of the 9th with his clutch double. His hit was certainly helped by the hustle of the great, white, Bryce Harper. Shark’s blow felt like a hammer to the head for Red Sox fans, who were already nursing their emotional injuries from failing so far. It was a whale of a loss for Boston, leading to a Nationals sweep. I’m sure the Sox hope they could mako something out of this final game, but they left feeling blue.

Shame of the Game:

Alfredo Aceves: Loss, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 1 K. For a man named after a pasta dish, Aceves surely doesn’t satisfy the Red Sox fanbase in a similar way. Some would say that’s cause he’s not beer and that’s all people from Boston consume, others would say it’s cause he keeps blowing games and is 0-4 on the season. I guess you could say that Alfredo is a real ace in the hole for the Sox. The butthole! Cause he pitches kind of like shit.

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The Boston Tea Party. The ride of Paul Revere. The Nationals mid-June 2012 sweep of the Red Sox. In increasing importance, these three events are some of the most iconic happenings in Boston’s history. Washington came into Boston, despite the many minorities on their team that the people there frown upon, and took all three games. Some will say the only reason the Nationals were so dominant is because the Red Sox senses were dulled by their in-game meals. At this point though, I think soberness and healthy food is more of a shock to their system than the current game plan.

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