Tag Archives: tragedy

2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Introducing: The World Baseball Classic as a Metaphor for Actual Historical Conflicts

As its subtitle suggests and should be pretty obvious, The Zimmerman(n) Telegram is a blog that primarily focuses on Nationalsism. But sometimes we must transcend that Nationalsism to take a broader perspective on the totality of baseball and the cornucopia of humorous delights it presents. Sometimes, we must embrace Internationalsism.

The World Baseball Classic is one of those times. Now, if you’re new to the WBC, you might be at risk of confusing it with the World Series. The World Series, like the World Baseball Classic, also involves baseball, and also is referred to as a Classic (of the Fall variety). The main difference between the two names is the sense in which the word “world” is used. In the World Series, “world” is appropriately used to describe the only places that are important: the United States and a tiny sliver of Canada. In the World Baseball Classic, “world” bizarrely refers to the entire earth, as if any of the rest of it was worthy of worldliness.

For all you visual learners.

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram will be taking a unique approach to WBC coverage. We recognize that what makes the WBC so much fun is that the teams struggling against each other for supremacy in the tournament represent actual countries, who have fought actual battles/had actual diplomatic spats with each other, in which actual people died/were offended. Because of that, every game will be representative of some awful or mildly annoying historical event. Obviously, we have no choice but to find those events and metaphorize them.

During the regular season, when we want to use historical wars as metaphors, we have to first assign countries to each team and then pick a conflict. But for the WBC, the first half of that task has already been done for us. It’s almost too easy.

So when the “World” Baseball Classic pitches off tomorrow night, just sit back, relax, and wait for us to trivialize some tragedy! And never fear: we will of course also be carefully documenting the adventures of the three Nationals serving as ambassadors to this important international summit.

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Happy 69 Wins!

The Nationals are about to win their 70th game of the season, which is a very bittersweet moment for us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. On the one hand, it’s nice to see them get so many wins so early. On the other hand, a part of me wishes they could stay at 69 wins forever.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on those Nationals teams that never made it to 69. The 2008 and 2009 Nationals, we salute you. You endured great tragedy and immense deprivation. As for the 2010 Nats, who finished a 69-83, well, you got an entire offseason of sitting on 69. Bet that felt good. That’s really when this team got turned around.

Now, before Craig Stammen gets these last three outs, celebrate 69 wins however you feel is most appropriate.

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