Tag Archives: trains

Great PR Campaign: Puerto Rican Efforts Persuade US Players to Lose

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Angel Pagan believes he’s a choo-choo train. It’s kind of cute. And also a frightening sign of severe mental illness.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, USA 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War.

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Americans always look good early on. However whether it’s because of a breakdown in strategy in some sort of competition, or because your metabolism slows down as you age and obesity finally kicks in, the USA tends to look a lot worse in the end. Take the Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But at the very end they floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they could have done a lot more.

Then we look at the WBC. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But then in their second game the Americans floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they also could have done a lot more. Friday’s game was strangely similar to the events of the late 1800s for these reasons, and also because a couple fans were taken as POWs. Loria wanted to make sure the stadium was filled next season and had no other options.

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I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

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Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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Mountains of Det: Detwiler Towers over Cubs in Win

“Hey Adam, see those guys over there? They’re on the Cubs.” “Heh.” (Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 7 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Just in case there’s any correlation between the size of the actual national debt and the size of the National Det’s goodness, I say we start a few more wars, give universal health care and college education to everyone, and build a government-funded tower to the sun.

Shame of the Game:

The Cubs. They’re just an embarrassment to humanity.

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82 isn’t a very exciting number in most contexts. It’s a B- on a test, a mildly warm day in degrees Fahrenheit, a normal weight for an anorexic person, and a terrible speed for a major league fastball. But it does have a significance when applied to the number of wins a baseball team gets in a season. 82 is the number that differentiates the teams that succeeded more often than they failed from the teams that failed more often than they succeeded, or worse yet, the teams that succeeded and failed the same amount and thus had zero effect on the universe (lookin’ at you, ’05 Nats. Why’d you even bother?). The Nationals are now guaranteed to finish the season “at least a little bit good,” even if Stephen Strasburg decides to lock the rest of the team in a  closet for the remainder of September because he can’t stand to see them playing without him. Continue reading

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An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.

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Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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