Tag Archives: twitter

2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his. Continue reading

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Nationals Re-Sign Adam LaRoche

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Don’t look so angry, Stephen. It might be Morse who’s out of a spot in our lineup, not you. Why, you’re our best hitter.

Davey Johnson got his Christmas present just a few days late this year. Even though a delay in delivering his gift was a risky move, considering that someone his age could crumble to dust at any moment. But Davey finally got what he wanted, a returning Adam LaRoche.

Just a little while ago, Adam Kilgore reported that LaRoche had agreed to return to Washington. It seems Adam finally caved on needing three years, as the Nationals and he agreed to terms on a two year deal. I think this works well for both parties. The Nats get their star first baseman from last year on a short term deal to see if he can prove himself again, and LaRoche doesn’t have to commit to something for all that long. We know he’s had trouble with that in the past.

While many are delighted by this signing, it could be bad news for Mike Morse. With LaRoche returning, and a new outfielder in Denard Span, Morse is without a spot in the Nationals lineup. Could this be the end of Morse in DC?

I would hate being Mike right now. He’s settled down in DC. I mean how do you think his Twitter handle (@DC_Beast38) would take it if Mike told it that all the friends it’s made mean nothing anymore. That it has to move to a new city and make new friends. That it had to change its name to something yet to be determined. This is the problem with being a baseball player. You have to settle down never being sure how long you’ll stay. And then when you have to move, you have to break it to those you love and ask them to change as well. Poor Twitter handle.

UPDATE: LaRoche is guaranteed $24 million and can earn up to $37 million with a mutual option. Despite all the speculation, its clear that LaRoche had 24 million good reasons to stay in DC:

  1. He likes playing in DC.
  2. That is a lot of money.
  3. The Nationals are playoff favorites.
  4. Other cities are scary.
  5. He likes this taco place near Georgetown.
  6. His car is broken and can’t take him anywhere.
  7. He just bought a Nationals hat for his son and he can’t just be spending hundreds on hats.

23,999,993 more reasons to come.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day

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He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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Zach Duke Retweets Us

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An accurate depiction of my emotions when I found out.

We have made efforts in the past to reach out to Nationals players, trying to make them and their followers aware of our efforts here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. One time recently I tweeted at Michael Morse in Morse Code, asking how he felt. He replied with “Sick!” He was either failing to understand what I had asked, or he was desperately calling for help.

Just a few days ago, I tweeted our story about Bob and F.P. returning to F.P. Santangelo, which led to him following us on Twitter. I can assume he liked it, but maybe he just follows anyone who tweets at him. Although being followed by big names isn’t new for us. We’re followed by @IanDesmondNews which totally isn’t a bot or anything.

But just yesterday, a story of ours was retweeted by Zach Duke, right in the midst of Zach Duke Week. Here’s the proof!

Continue reading

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Follow The Zimmerman(n) Telegram From All Over the Place!

“I LOVE LOVE LOVE OHMYGOD LOVE The Zimmerman(n) Telegram, but I never know when a new post is up! I tried refreshing every second of the day, but then my finger fell off.”

It’s a common complaint that we get, and it’s time to address it once and for all. Sure, you can follow the blog through WordPress or on Google Reader, but don’t you want to check for new posts while you’re also looking at photos of an ugly acquaintance you don’t like with their weirdly lumpy boyfriend/girlfriend/child on a social media site? I know I do.

Here’s how to do it: just like us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/TheZimmermannTelegram

Or! Follow us on Twitter at @TheZimTelegram.

You will surely be rewarded, in this life or the next. Or the next, but probably not the one after that.

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